Why It’s So Important To Ignore Her After A Breakup
Sometimes the most powerful and effective relationship advice is that which is hardest to follow. Soft nexting is a good example of this. It’s the most powerful weapon you have in your relationship arsenal; nuclear-strength in fact. However many of you are not going to have the courage to ever try it, either because you fear it or because it opposes your Societal Programming so starkly that you can’t imagine it working.
Today I’m going to discuss another extremely powerful, simple-to-do-but-hard-to-mentally-accept technique that will change your life if you get it and practice it.
I’m going to tell you how to ensure an ex comes back to you after she breaks up with you, nexts you, LSNFTEs you, or otherwise leaves you. I have used this technique bazillions of times on scores of women with success rates as high as 94%. It works like a clock, IF you have the balls and self-control to do it, and many of you will not.
Ready? Here it is:
Completely ignore her for at least four months.
That’s it. Just ignore her. Don’t text her. Don’t call her. Don’t email her. Don’t Facebook her. Don’t “like” or comment on anything she posts on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or anything else. Completely vanish out of her life, like you were never there.
This is, of course, the exact opposite of what you’ll want to do. You’ll want to keep texting, calling, commenting, or whatever to try to “get her back.” When a woman dumps your ass, your oneitis, scarcity mentality, and righteous male need for “respect” will all flare up at the same time. You’ll want to contact her, often.
The problem is this is exactly what further turns her off. If you keep contacting her, her attraction for you decreases. If you want to fuck her again, you don’t want her attraction decreasing, do you?
Completely ignoring her ensures her attraction for you doesn’t go down. It either stays the same or, over time, increases. This goes double if she’s dumped you for another guy. If she’s with her new exciting NRE boyfriend, and you keep contacting her like a little puppy, her attraction for you goes into the toilet. And it’s your fault.
This is exactly why I have a FB / MLTR return rate of 94%. And by the way, that’s not a guess. That’s a real number pulled directly from my spreadsheets. 94% of every woman I’ve had sex with more than twice has returned to my sex life after leaving me. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for them to come back, sometimes it takes several years. This includes women who leave me and move in with, marry, or have kids with another man. Doesn’t matter to me; I let women do whatever they want, I’m having sex with other women anyway, and I know they’ll always come back.
Frankly, even that 94% is conservative, since many of the women in the other 6% are ones who move far away and never move back. So if you don’t count those, my return rate is damn near 100%.
How do I do it? There are many reasons, since I use all the correct relationship techniques. But if I had to pick just one of them it would be this: when a woman leaves me, I do the exact opposite of what other men do. I completely vanish out of her life and ignore her for many months. “Many” is at least four, often six to eight months. (Consider four a minimum.) During that time I just go have sex with my other FBs / MLTRs and focus on my work and my Mission. I know there’s a 94% chance she’ll be back at some point, so I don’t worry about it.
Two questions I often get about this:
1. Can you contact her after four months? What do you say?
After about 4-6 months, if I need to add some FBs or MLTRs on rotation, I will check her out as best I can without contacting her (via Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media she’s on), and see if she has a New Boyfriend. If she’s single or has an Old Boyfriend, then I will send her a quickie text with a casual comment like, “I just saw a girl walk down the street who looked just like you.” Sometimes I even just say, “How’s it going?”
It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you are non-needy, outcome independent, and don’t compliment her.
What if my quick checking reveals she does have a New Boyfriend? No problem. I just reset the timer and keep on ignoring her for another 4-6 months. Then I might check again. Hitting up an ex who has a New Boyfriend is a complete and utter waste of your time. She’s in NRE bilss with her New (temporary) Boyfriend so she probably won’t even return your texts.
Just wait until she dumps his ass (which she will), or worst case, wait until New Boyfriend becomes Old Boyfriend. Women rarely cheat on New Boyfriends, but women cheat on Old Boyfriends all the time.
2. What happens if she contacts you first?
If she contacts you first, completely out of the blue, then it’s okay to respond even if it’s well before four months. This is likely a indicator of interest, and is often a good sign.
Respond to her in a casual, non-needy, outcome independent way. Feel her out and find out why she’s contacting you. If she’s contacting you for a purely logistical reason, like she wants her leather jacket she left at your house for a date with her New Boyfriend on Saturday, then robotically address the logistics as fast as you possibly can and then terminate the conversation as fast as possible. Then start the four-month ignore timer all over again.
If she’s contacting you because she’s bored or just wants to talk, this is great news. Suggest she comes over to your place and proceed as normal into her pants. If you get serious resistance to the idea of her coming over or seeing you, terminate the conversation as fast as you can and reset the four-month ignore timer again.
Eventually, if you do this as I’m describing, you will have sex with her again. It’s virtually guaranteed assuming A) you do it correctly, B) you’re in no rush, and C) you weren’t a oneitisy pussy or extreme asshole while you were dating her the first time around.
Or, you can ignore my advice and keep contacting her over and over again to “be nice” or “maintain the connection” or “keep the interest up” or to “try to get her back.” All of this will ensure you’ll be stuck in friend zone forever and never get her back into your sex life.
Up to you.
Note/Update: I am no longer responding to any comments on this post. No, your situation is not “unique” or “different.” It’s the exact same steps for every scenario. Way too many of you are being complete pussies and not following the very clear and simple advice you’ve been given. Maybe other commenters can help you here, but I won’t.
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This is the correct advice. It’s not really debatable (well, I guess the 4-month mark is, which is give or take, depending on the circumstances) if you want to be romantically involved with her again.
This is right you MUST stay no contact. Although when it comes to relationships don’t expect a recycle to be any different. People don’t change and you’ll find you will both go down the same path and she will end up leaving you again. Recycled paper = good. Recycled relationships = bad.
I call the women that come back “boomerangs.” My longest so far is an 8 year boomerang but 2 and 3 year boomerangs are common.
The advice here is accurate but I would add a couple of things. First and foremost HOW you let things end is super important. NEVER EVER EVER be even a tiny bit emotionally punishing. I don’t care if she no call/no showed for your last meeting or sent you the nastiest break-up text ever. Take emotions out of it and simply be nonchalant.
Girl: This just isn’t working for me.
You: I totally understand. I have really enjoyed our time together and best of luck to you.
OR
Girl: You are such a selfish asshole. You get what you want and I don’t get what I want.
You: I am really sorry you feel that way. I have really enjoyed our time together and best of luck to you.
OR
Girl: War and Peace length text about blah blah blah
You: It sounds as if you aren’t happy and I totally understand your point of view. I have really enjoyed our time together and best of luck to you.
Well you get the idea.
The other place I slightly disagree is I never text them first. Not after four month. Not after four years. They have to text me or I don’t bother.
If your pipeline is being managed well there is no reason to go for a re-tread unless she comes to you.
“It’s the most powerful weapon you have in your relationship arsenal; nuclear-strength in fact.”
100% on board with this and have had it happen many many times…
Twice as powerful if there is a social network or FB obviously that allows her to see you instantly ok with it without you pointing it out for her.
Yes! Social media is such a critical tool for resurrecting these women.
Very good post. I moved away from one of my mltrs around 2 months ago, I have visited twice since. I live about 3 hours away. So now we don’t see eachother very frequently, however should I go no contact with her? because if we can’t meet and we communicate that is surely damaging my chances for future hook-ups?
Do I contact her once a week? or less frequent. She said she plans to visit me in about a month or so. The last time I was in her area we hooked up also. I’ve been seeing her for about 6 months consistantly now. Perhaps you could so a pot on long distance fbs/mltr relationships.
The rules are different for long-distance women. This is not a soft next or LSNFTE situation. She didn’t leave you for another guy or because she was pissed; you left her because you moved away. So nothing in the above article applies to you.
Yeah, a post on long-distance women is probably a good idea.
“…if you do this as I’m describing, you will have sex with her again. It’s virtually guaranteed assuming A) you do it correctly, B) you’re in no rush, and C) you weren’t a oneitisy pussy or extreme asshole while you were dating her the first time around.”
I think there should be a link to your ‘always make her cum’ post in there somewhere 😉 What would you think your return rate would be if you didn’t provide such quality sexual services during your relationships?
This blog is further evidence that libertarians are right about pretty much everything – government, economics, relationships, whatever.
I still harbor a suspicion though that females in nature would prefer to date multiple men simultaneously. But since society doesn’t let them do this they’re stuck with the rapid serial monogamy strategy as the closest approximation.
“I still harbor a suspicion though that females in nature would prefer to date multiple men simultaneously. But since society doesn’t let them do this they’re stuck with the rapid serial monogamy strategy as the closest approximation.”
Scientists have speculated that the shape of the male penis directly indicates that its function first is to pull out or remove any other seaman in the vagina before his own ejaculation. Therefore giving him a greater chance of his genetic code spreading forward. It would seem that men and women evolved with the idea that women had multiple “lovers” in close proximity.
I love it when science backs up an idea I have been having!
So you’re saying as long as she’s contacting you it’s okay to respond, but never initiate any contact with her? My ex, who has a new boyfriend of a few months, keeps texting me to keep in touch. 100% initiated by her over the last few months. I usually reply in a simple manner, but never let the conversation go anywhere.
@Diggy
I read that also – it’s definitely suggestive.
@Dawson Stone
Felt the boomerang effect over the years but never could come up with a name for it. THX.
@Tim
You’re right on the money dude! She’s just checking on you to see if you’re banging someone new. Just keep her in the dark.
@BD
Please do a long-distance women post ASAP!
@POB
Haha come to think of it, she did text me about a month ago and ask me if I was seeing anyone new. Thanks.
That’s a damn good question. I’m really not sure. My guess would be at least a 35% reduction in relationship retention and returns.
More or less, yes. But I wouldn’t keep responding if she refuses to meet up in real life (and fuck).
Don’t just talk! You must PITCH A REAL-LIFE MEET. If you do and she refuses, start ignoring her for at least two months.
If you keep responding to her over and over again with no sex, that’s friend zone shit. Don’t do it!
I will, but you will not like what I have to say about it…
@Tim
Hahaha, I knew it!!! Women (usually) are not a 5000 piece puzzle as most guys state. In fact once you date several of them you’ll start to see a pattern and expect some behavioral traits to emerge. The key here is self-control. Once you get a hang of it you’ll be irresistible to them!
BDs advice is damn right!!! If you really want to bang her pitch a date and escalate as fast as possible to sex. Don’t talk much and please don’t discuss the “relationship”. Remember, there’s nothing more between the two of you. Treat her as a FB. She’ll love it and feel really attracted to the “new” you, believe me.
And please don’t be a pussy and get back with her. Been down that road myself and it’s not pretty.
@BD
Don’t know about the other guys here…I want nothing but the truth.
@POB
Solid advice. I actually ended up blocking her # because she wouldn’t stop texting me, even though I told her to stop. I did pitch a real life meet once, she refused. So I’m going to keep her BLOCKED for at least a month. I don’t want her back, I just want to get my hands on those DDD’s a couple more times haha.
Hi BD.
Long story short. Broke up with 6 month ex in anger (went with gut) She slept with an ex FB within a week, while we were on a break. I know I made tons of mistakes here because I couldn’t control my emotions.
When she told me I cut her off completely for 2 months, in which she contacted me 8 times.
I replied a month back and invited her over she suggested a Thursday but I was busy. So I said Sunday, Sunday came so I txted her and said come over tonight, she said she’d let me know and didn’t.
I cut contact again, and she’s contacted me 3 times since even though she’s seeing a new guy.
What’s the best thing to do now?
@AC
What is the goal? To have sex with her again or to be back in a relationship with her again?
If the former, when she texts you escalate immediately to logistics to have sex but double book with someone else so you don’t care if she flakes or not and if she flakes don’t give her a hard time about it (assuming you want to have sex with her again sometime down the road). And if you are working logistics, make it fairly immediate. That night or next night at the latest to re-close her.
The fact that you know who she is seeing/fucking is a problem in and of itself. Waste of your time and energy and super beta behavior. She’s seeing a new guy I can’t why you would waste a minute of your time unless she is literally mounting your dick.
If you want to get back into a relationship with her you should have your head examined. See a therapist or get a dog.
I was doing a period of no contact, to work on myself and become the attractive me again and give her room to miss me. After about 3 weeks she sent me some snapchats saying she was hoping I was okay (checking up on me?) and that she heard I went to a party (realizing I wasnt at home depressed?). Then she send another a couple days later that she feels empty without me/US (misses me?). I kept it cool and casual and didnt act needy and start chasing her. Now in about a week a NC period of 30 days will have passed, which I feel is enough since she has already shown signs of interest. Im at a crossroads, Black Dragon. How should I proceed? What should I do? Or What would you do? I want to get her back and I feel like thats possible now, I just need the blueprint so to speak. Thank You BD!! (Feedback from anyone is open and appreciated)
@dawson
The trouble was it really fucked me up when she did that – it broke my heart (pure beta). But it was a big eye opener and took a way a lot of my naïveté regarding my expectations of women/relationships.
I wasn’t happy in the relationship and she was pyscho but I wouldn’t want to get back with her now because of her issues, so just after sex.
The only thing is I don’t want to keep giving her the choice to come over for her to continually reject it etc. what do you think?
You are right, I just find it weird she won’t stop contacting me.
She cheated on me an year and begged me to take her back saying she would do anything to make it work again so I took her back. A year after she moved out but before that gave me hard time giving me every reason to kick her out. I went no contact for 5 weeks and texted her to meet me again where she told me she is already with someone else and we could never be together again. I reminded her of how I gave her a chance but she doesn’t want to give me a chance. Since then i sent her a few dont care and needy texts and cried too. I guess she will never be contqcting to meet or fuck again…though id like to keep her as a fb. .but i couldn’t control ny emotions.
@AC
You do exactly what I said. Respond to her the next time she contacts you. Chit-chat for just a few minutes, then PITCH A MEET. If she says no, ignore everything she says for 2 months. Then rinse and repeat. The fact she has a BF is completely irrelevant if she’s contacting you like that.
@Javier
1. Stop being a needy pussy. “I want to get her back” is the exact wrong attitude. You should be fucking at least two other women right now so you shouldn’t even care. Consider her coming back a pleasant bonus, not something you “want.”
2. You do exactly what I said. Do NOT contact her. If she contacts you first, respond to her. Chit-chat for just a few minutes, then PITCH A MEET. If she says no, ignore everything she says for 2 months. Rinse and repeat.
Let me explain something to some of you guys. Many of you are asking “but what if this, what if that?” None of that crap matters. You just do what I said in the article above; it covers all of these scenarios.
1. Do not contact her first for at least four months. Longer is better.
2. If, and only if, she contacts you first, respond to her and chit-chat for a bit then PITCH A MEET.
3. If she agrees, go for it and fuck her. If she says no, nicely end the conversation and now start IGNORING HER for at least 2 months. That means you do NOT respond to her if she contacts you, and you certainly don’t initiate contact. (It’s a variation of a soft next.)
4. Always be fucking other hot women so you don’t get needy or start missing her. Read my oneitis article if you need to.
5. Go back to step 2 and repeat from there.
It does NOT matter if she has a boyfriend. It does NOT matter how you broke up. It does NOT matter what she says when she texts you. Just calm down and do the above procedure as written. It’s been massively field tested and works like a charm.
Hi BD,
Thank you!
As for fucking two girls at any one time, it seems like a dream/impossibility to me? Though I did have 3 dates 3 days in a row a month ago. I really struggle with it, but it doesn’t help that I only hit the club each Friday. When I’m out I’m direct and approach any girl I find hot, usually get make outs but find it hard to take them home. I’ve been told I act like a bit of a player.
I’m not a bad looking guy by any stretch, dress well, and I hit the gym. And vibe well with girls.
But I’m still not getting the results I want, do you have any advice for this?
Thanks BD. Like I said above I ended up blocking my ex because I told her 3 times to stop texting me. Same as ignoring her but I just don’t have to look at the texts. I’ll probably unblock her after 8 weeks or so. If she contacts me I’ll suggest we meet up. Appreciate the advice.
@AC
If you really had strong feelings for this girl my honest advice is why go back even for sex? The best way to get over someone is time. The more time the less pain.
I know of what I speak:
There are a million reasons why she might be contacting you and it isn’t weird at all. It is weirder (way weirder when they don’t). It is irrelevant why she contacts you anyway. Maybe she wants her ego fed that you aren’t over her. Maybe she just enjoys torturing you. Maybe she has a bet with a girlfriend. Why would you waste a moment’s energy on her?
You are lying to yourself saying you only want sex from her. We both know that’s bullshit. You want her to want you back (SUPER beta). That is all ego and emotions fucking with you. As you get older I PROMISE YOU sex will get better. I don’t care what a freak she was in bed or how good she blew you.
Find someone (or better yet several someones) that treats you right and take control back of this part of your life and excuse my French, quit being such a pussy.
@AC
Do like Tim said…block her number so you don’t even have to think about it. Takes 3 seconds to block someone and takes the temptation away.
BD this post though doesn’t apply to serial monogomists does it?
Thank you Dawson for your valuable insight, I’m gonna take some pills for my oneitis.
While knowing I wouldn’t take her back, I doubt I could stop feelings. Alas, I wish it were just sex, your post is me to the t. But your blog post was a great read and made me feel better.
Relationships just suck in my eyes, they’re nice for a while
Then inevitably fuck up for whatever reason, rarely worth it.
Ex used to moan at me for going to the gym and say it was weird that I read loads of books, and would never support my mission. I’m much better alone because there’s no one stopping me achieving my goals.
The last option sounds like a good idea!
@oscar
serial monogomists are trouble bro. they are branch swingers and are always on the rebound. girls like that push for a relationship because they are needy, clingy and insecure. they will also maintain realtionships with other guys behind your back in case they become single, they need safety nets. if you sense your dealing with one, do FB or FWB only.
@AC
You are welcome. I am glad you found my post useful. Honesty I wish someone had pistol whipped some sense into me back then. I am guessing you are much younger than me so you are way ahead of the game having wisdom in your 20s that I didn’t have until my 40s.
While I understand your perspective (that relationships suck), let me offer an alternative view of things. As I said in my post, romantic love as a real thing (other then brain chemistry fucking with your objectivity) is just an illusion. You should be glad to be rid of the illusions.
The good news (in fact GREAT news) is that as a high value man the world is your oyster. You can have great “relationships” but take them for what they are. They are women in your life for as long as you both make each other happy be it a night, a month, a year or whatever. You get to keep basically all the good stuff (except for irrational infatuation that does feel good but let’s be honest isn’t healthy) and get rid of all the bad stuff.
Most kids are sad when they realize there is no Santa, tooth fairy, etc. but now you just realize it was silly and didn’t really add to your life in a way that matters.
Hang in there buddy. Time will fix it and the best revenge is living well.
Guys I need help. These are the darkest days of life and i have been a student of game for some time. I am full of neediness pining over her and crying every so often Please tell me there’s a way to get her back. I can’t bear giving her body away to someone and seeking pleasure while I descend in this dark spiral. Tell me its possible for her to love me again. I need to know if there’s a way. What about all the promises..everything is possible in this world isn’t it. I am not sure how I will survive the next few months im on the edge ..Help brothers
@Ac and @Tim
Guys, believe me when I say I see a lot of myself in your stories. When I was younger I did exactly what you guys did when I was “in love” with some girl. Heck, I did that with my last GF (not that long ago) when I was already over 30, buffed and getting a lot of pussy.
In one sentence: “That’s extremely BETA behavior”.
You gotta beat that crap outta yourselves!!!
If you guys are as wise as you look (in fact you are opening up here and it takes a lot of guts to do so) you’ll follow Dawson’s and BD’s advices:
– don’t be needy,
– pitch a date only to have sex,
– ignore her for a LONG TIME if she does not act as you’d like to,
– and please, I mean please, if you still have strong feelings just FORGET ABOUT HER! Block everything, take some time to yourselves and when the time is right go fuck other girls!
On a bigger picture have a life plan!!! Start to build options, go travel, meet and sleep with girls from abroad, think about building your own business, man, there’s so much to do and so little time….so why waste it with someone that doesn’t deserve?
@Oscar
Dude you need to get a grip. This is 100% ego fucking with you. She cheated on you and you are butt hurt. You tied your identity up in that relationship and now your pain is coming from the loss of that part of your identity. It wasn’t healthy in the first place.
Read this if you haven’t already and maybe it will be helpful. It was to AC.
The question you should be asking yourself isn’t how to get her back buy why would you want to? Focus on being the best, happiest version of yourself and find some other women to fill the void left by someone that sounds awful and unhealthy for you.
@Dawson
I got over the cheating that doesn’t even bother me. What bothers me is she didn’t keep her promises she made when i broke off and she wanted to come back to do whatever it takes where is that “whatever it takes” that doesn’t even matter i got over it despite her trying to triger the cheating memories by deliberately mentioning something related and watching my reaction. I never showed any emotion at those attempts and then sge gave up. It seemed she would do everything to spite me abd test me but i remained mostly stoic. I don’t like her personality just missing the fucking I guess and just her mere presence. This is just scarcity based mindset and I can’t seem to help it. What is she doing now fucking some other dude instead of full filling her promises to grow old with me. Relayionship issues? Let’s fix it no but she planbed her exit well in advance…and waa waa waa…too fucking painful…
@Oscar
IMO you simply aren’t being honest with yourself about the cheating but I won’t debate the point. Doesn’t matter anyway.
It is TOTALLY irrelevant what she promised. If she doesn’t want to try again that is that (quite frankly you should count yourself lucky or this shit would drag on longer and will end the same way…badly).
Grow old together? Are you fucking kidding me? You need to put down your Disney DVD collection and go out and find your balls again.
Hey Dawson you are correct, I am 21 and have learned a lot of valuable information already. I know the mindsets that I should have and have learned to invest in my own self improvement no matter what.
I do find it depressing that love is merely infatuation/illusion/movie magic
Part of me desperately wants it not to be true, but it is proven time and time again by relationships I’ve been in and my friends have been in.
It was a hard lesson to learn. I still feel my emotions get in the way but I wonder how BD/players manage to avoid the emotions. I know most cant really avoid them even if they wouldn’t admit it.
I got into game when I was 18, overweight and insecure/anxious and improved a lot etc. but I’ve only come across the red pill things in the last few months. Wish id discovered the red pill back in those days for sure!
Thanks again!
@Oscar
Just forget about her and focus on yourself man. Right now you’re in an emotional state and incapable of ANY healthy relationship whatsoever. Take the time to invest on your dreams and things will fall right, I garantee that.
Dawson and POB thanks guys. This just feels like a never ending nightmare right now.
Oscar, you’ll get through it. Hopefully your eyes will be opened by the experience.
Take a moment to realize the disconnect between the words she spoke and the actions she took. Then remember always to IGNORE what women SAY and pay attention to what they DO.
None of my advice is directed towards people who practice monogamy because monogamy doesn’t work (unless you like drama).
That being said, while the above technique doesn’t work as well, it does work somewhat with monogamists. The same could be said of most the relationship techniques I discuss.
Of course you have to Ignore her since this is a bad break up! Try somebody else, there are a lot there where you will find better relationship.
@BD
Looking forward to the LDR post.
I am currently 3 months in planned 6 month soft-next on long-distance FB.
Long story short.
This woman is in town 2-3 times a year, but lately she has been avoiding the meet.
It goes like this.
Before coming to my town she contacts me and asks if our plan to hang out is still valid.
Then she arrives, couple of days later contacts me late in the evening or late at night, but suddenly ‘becomes busy’ when I pitch the meet while insisting that she wants to see me very much. We agree to get in touch later, I dont try to reschedule, and she leaves town without a notice. 3-4 weeks later she sends me one of these ‘hey what’s up?’ texts from the other side of the Globe.
Now she has done it twice, and I have not responded to her ‘hey what’s up?’ text after the second flake.
I decided that it is unacceptable behavior in my book, and that I am not wasting my time texting with her when she is 5000 miles away if she can not find time to see me when she is 5 miles away.
So my current plan is to ignore her long distance texts for 6 months, and then get in touch with her.
If she texts me again before the soft next period runs out, I will only respond if she is in town and hints at meetup. Then I push for the meet and reschedule if necessary. If she dodges the meet, I am hard nexting her.
@Mrj
You’re paying too much attention to her dude. If that’s your plan, set the alarm clock on your cel to tick after 6 months, forget about her (block her number if you have to) and go fuck other women.
My longest ressurrection was an ex that I didn’t see for 7 years!!! Kept casual contact (like 1-3 messages every year on FB) but really didn’t mind her. One day out of the blue we decided to have lunch. The next day I was banging her in my place. Time is really a charm.
So I tried and it doesn’t work hahaha.
Do I wait 4 more months to contact her again ?
Yes. I personally would wait 6 months.
BD, if my ex has a new boyfriend yet is still trying to text/call me can I still invite her over? Would it work? Pretty sure she’s pretending to be happy
Dude…it’s the same thing I’ve been saying. YES, invite her over. If she says no, immediately end the conversation and IGNORE HER for AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS.
Jeez guys. It’s not this complicated.
This strategy is wonderful where you have maintained alpha frame throughout and the chick knows what you’re about.
However, I would like your advice on how to approach this where the old relationship failed from losing frame and going needy alpha or beta. I am most interested in where you went needy alpha.
The no contact period will of course remain the same. I feel like immediately proposing a meet when you got dropped for being too high pressure/controlling will ultimately fail though. I feel like there must be a way to establish a cooler, outcome independent alpha 2.0 frame followed by a request to meet. Got two exes from my pre alpha 2.0 days who would make good fb’s, no real risk of wanting a real long term thing on my part either as they aren’t ltr material.
This my question is: how do you reestablish cool laid back frame after the 4 month period aiming for Fb status? Or any other approach here given this context that you would advise?
None of that is relevant and the steps are exactly the same. Exactly. The only difference is that the steps are less likely to work.
So to be clear: If the breakup was because you went too Alpha Male 1.0 / Needy Alpha on her, or went beta on her, or you were monogamous to her, the steps are exactly the same to a T; they’re just less likely to work as well. This is a good lesson to learn; hopefully you’ll do it right the next time you have a relationship.
Thanks for getting back so quickly. That seemed to me the likely outcome. These were from before I discovered/was just discovering the manosphere. Very obvious what I did wrong in retrospect with the benefit of the knowledge good folks like you help to share. Luckily there are always more out there!
What if you have to work with the woman? She’s my bartender and I’m an entertainer. We work together 3 days a week. She broke off the relationship. I’m ignoring her as much as possible but it’s a little difficult when you’re in a professional setting like this. Quitting my job is not an option. Should I just blow the whole thing off? She’s quite a bit younger than me (24 years).
I do not recommend workplace relationships for EXACTLY the reason you’re describing. Forget her forever and stop dating women you work with. And read this:
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2011/09/12/dating-people-at-work/
Similar to Joe’s question, what’s the course of action for contact at partys and other social events? Were still in the same social circle so occasional interaction is bound to happen.
No easy answers, other than to do your best. If you see her at a party, don’t approach her. If she approaches you, say hi, be nice for 30 seconds, then politely excuse yourself and go talk to someone else.
Also, plan ahead. If you know she’s going to be somewhere, be somewhere else if possible. If that’s not feasible, and if I knew I had to see a recent ex at a party that I had to go to, I would make very sure to show up with a woman on my arm who was better-looking than her.
Wouldn’t she forget about you if you don’t contact her for four months ?
If you behaved just like every other guy she’s dated while you were dating her, yes.
She wont call. She is too pretty and has lots of options, one man down 100 others lined up to fill his space. Only girls with limited options come back i.e ugly to average chicks.
I’m going on 2 months complete NC with the ex. I pitched a meet way back in August and she never got back to me…never said yes or no. But she’s still texting me and I’m still ignoring her since October. I’ve completely vanished from her life and I feel way better. Seems that she hasn’t forgotten about me though. I think I’ll give it another month.
They never forget. Trust BD advice they will call and they will be back . Just gotta let them stew.
If a woman leaves you, you ignore her to move on, not to get her back. There is no reason to get someone back after they decide to leave you. If you ignore a woman (who knows her value) she will ignore you right back.
@GApeach
” If you ignore a woman (who knows her value) she will ignore you right back.”
That’s true only if the guy did not show her any value when they were together. If he did she’ll keep in touch and make him a backup for attention/sex/whatever.
@gepeach… That’s not true… If you held your frame they always come back…why ? Coz you would be the only guy that held their frame …. What bd says is true …
I’m 51 years old and I was with a 43 year old girl for 7 months. She dumped me a little over 2 months ago. I could never get anymore out of her other than she was not feeling it. I was the typical nice guy beta. I texted and called her to much.fixed things around her house,bought her shit etc. Sex was mostly good but I had a few bouts of ed and premature ejaculation. We allways got along great and never had one argument. She was very even tempered.to much so.I really never knew what she was thinking.she was married once in her 20s and was with some guy before me for a long time.
I made the mistake of chasing her pretty hard on and off up until 2 weeks ago when I stopped contact.I’m 51 years old and I’ve never been so hung up on a girl my whole life.all I can think of is how do I get her back. Slap some sense into me
I think you already know everything you’ve done wrong.
Go have sex with someone new ASAP. And make sure she’s cute.
it has been 6 month since breakup 4 months since last contact. she hasn’t called text or emailed, must be enjoying new dicks immensely or is plain stubborn.
Not to be rude or an idiot. I am newly single. But why do all these women leave you in the first place? Plus, if she has a boyfriend and wants to cheat, you are cool with cheating? Would it bug you if the chick was with one of the guys on the site?
Depends on the woman. But usually it’s because they want a man to verbally promise them monogamy (even if he’s lying because he’s cheating).
Yes. Very cool with it. If she wants to lie to someone about being sexually monogamous when she really isn’t, that’s her business and her problem, not mine.
I never expect a woman I’m seeing to be 100% sexually monogamous to me anyway, so I never have this problem.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but one of my personal standards is that I will never have sex with a woman who is dating or married to a man I already personally know. Too much potential for drama there.
But if I don’t personally know the guy and she wants to have sex with me? It’s game on.
One question I have: when she contacts you after a while, and you’ve already gone through the 4 months of not contacting her in any way, is it really the best idea to almost immediately arrange a meet-up?
Doesn’t that possibly convey you’ve just been waiting to see her all this time, and that she doesn’t really have to do much in order to get back in your life? I’m just thinking it may look like I’d drop anything just to see her again or something.
Yes.
Not if you don’t act eager. All you say is something like “We should hang out, maybe next Tuesday,” and see what she says. If balks, tell her great, c’ya around, end the conversation, and resume ignoring.
If you keep pestering her like a beta, well then yeah, she’ll think you’re a pussy.
I did everything wrong trying to get me ex back. I was one of the guys that didn’t have enough self control the article spoke of. I would just like to be friends at this point but looks like I’ve been shut out for good
Why the hell do you want to be friends with her? If you still have fellings towards her, it will hurt you (a lot). If you don’t, she’ll probably be with other guys and change your status into a orbiter just to feed her attention needs. It’s a loose/loose situation my friend!
If you really want to do that, you should already be having great sex with another woman (more than one is better) and she (or they) must be good-looking!
Hi blackdragon
I posted a few months back.
i fucked my ex again. and it worked. the tips here are awesome. shes more keen on hooking up and loves the improved me 😉
Just gonna keep that open relationship frame.
Thanks!
Awesome! You just made my day.
Yep, this stuff works.
Good! haha
I have your book, i was wondering what the best chapter is for making and keeping an open relationship good is?
For example, how much ‘alpha’ traits such as being distant and non needy to in terms of replying and how much beta to add in. How often to meet up. etc
Thanks,
Chapters 13 and 18 specifically, though all of part four (chapters 12-18) would apply in some way.
May I ask the situation of a girl you dated and escalated but did not get her to go to bed with you? One woman who I failed to seduce now several months later is very flirty with me and I wonder if it is worth a try again, however, usually I do not try a second seduction if the first one failed.
I agree with you. I have an almost zero percent success rate for trying to have sex with a first-time woman months after she said no the first time. So I would skip it unless you have plenty of time to burn.
She contacted but was just shooting the breeze on V day. Does the 4 months start again ?
Hi BlackDragon I recently had to stop seeing a girl cos shes dropped out of university to go travelling in Australia. we’d agreed to stop seeing each other because the distance would be too hard to deal with.
She then moved back home which is about 130 miles away… the contact slowly stopped for about a week.. but recently she keeps initiating contact telling me that she misses me and shes thinking about me (which I’ve completely glossed over I haven’t said i miss or i’m thinking about her since we’ve ended).
I think shes hinting thats she wants to meet up before she goes away properly but Im not gonna ask her.
have you got any advice?
Only if you tried to meet up with her and she balked.
You guys really aren’t reading the directions here.
Go ahead and ask her. If she balks, ignore for 4 months. If she goes back home before the 4 months are up, that’s the way it goes.
And she’s 130 miles away so that means SHE comes to YOU, not the other way around.
I know she’ll say yes but money is an issue because she hasn’t got much left and she needs all of it for her (globe trotting)? I’d pay for half the fee for her to come to my city but I wouldn’t pay all.
What do you think? Is spending money on her out of the question even when I know its guaranteeing sex?
Thanks for getting to me anyway bro much appreciated
Sorry I guess we want her to come back to us and thinking about it susbconsciously everyday coz we don’t have no other plates. Your advice is pretty simple but hard to execute coz we still want to tap that pvssy.
Btw I bought your book. Hopefully by the time i finished reading it I be tapping her again . Can you write an article on why they would come back to you after such a long time ?
Is it okay to pay hookers for sex?
Are you that much of a loser that you can only have sex by spending a few hundred dollars on a woman?
Hopefully not.
Good god you guys are killing me.
YOU GUYS NEED TO MAN THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW.
THIS YOU’RE LOOKING AT AN ENTIRE BLOG FULL OF TECHNIQUES ON HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH NEW WOMEN FOR VERY CHEAP.
STOP WHINING ABOUT THESE WOMEN AND GET OUT THERE AND FUCK SOME NEW ONES.
Jesus…
BD,
Very traumatic breakup, but was months in the making. I’m 43. The relationship was 3.5 years. I acted tough up to the MOT, but when she said she wanted me to leave, I was a pussy and broke down. I do love her, but I endured twice the crap I ever gave her, including taking on her 3 kids,(I have no kids) and listening to her 14 year old daughter talk shit to me. I tried to put on the Alpha role, and never worked with her. I have left her alone, but dunno if I REALLY do wanna get back with her. I do miss her, but as you say, it must be ego. It’s still very fresh.
Can I have some real tips and advice?
Thanks.
Dave
@Dave
1) you’re finally free
2) if your cock is functional, there is A LOT of hungry pussy out there…
Dude, do the math!
One other thing – what is the opinion about kids in the relationship? Cause they are innocent, and you get attached to them. But I poured more time and money into them than their own fathers’ did. All that got me was…?
Unless you legally adopted them, you have no legal rights to those kids. If she doesn’t want you around them, you’re out of luck.
Forget her, move on, and learn from this experience so that you don’t repeat it. You were too beta in the relationship. Don’t do that again.
But she didn’t tell me she doesn’t want me around them at all. I was just asking about being in a relationship when kids are involved. For example, many of my friends told me that I should have never gotten into a relationship with kids, as you can never win if there is a dispute. Also, do you send birthday cards, etc.? Or is it cut and run. Tough deal…
…and she’s has already texted me asking if I’m ok? Smokescreen? I just said I’m fine thank you. Its only been a week.
What next?
You know exactly what to do. Read the post and comments above.
Tell her to fuk off. She is trash.
Short story. Had a girlfriend, fell in love with another girl. Cheated on her and had a relationship with the new girl for about 2 months. Wanted to break up but didn’t. New girl was heartbroken. We kept contact. AFter about a month I finally broke up and told her. New girl seemed happy… Spent some great days together. Then I was upset about her changing some plans of going to a party together. She didn’t cancel, just mentioned that she would be there anyway and I lost my cool calling her out about trying to prove how independent she is (was going through the break-up those days and was little sensitive). Anyway afterwards she became distant. Then had a chat and told me that she thinks it will not work out and that she doesn’t want her heart broken again by me.
Same rules apply here ?
What do you think?
None of you are a unique snowflake exception, no matter how hard you try.
Story – Girl dumped me after being exclusive for 6months, but we were never official. Acted alpha and non-needy most of the time, until she went home for Christmas break and I probably started calling and texting too much/ex probably came back on the scene when she was home. First meet up she gave me ‘the talk’ (dumping) and I acted kinda beta asking for another chance as it caught me off guard (never saw the signs). Got a text that evening as she regretted it and realised I liked her more than I showed from being icy from day 1. Texted back and forth but got nowhere as the ‘feeling had still gone’. 1 week after with no change, I told her I couldn’t do it anymore and sent her a ‘call me if you change your mind’ text. She replied with the ‘I will but don’t wait for me’ text. Been NC for 1 month.
She’s hot. She’s stubborn and never had her on Instagram/FB/Snapchat so no stalking or subtle contact either. I believe in the process and was high-value until it fell off the cliff. Spinning other plates but ego wants her to message me badly?
How’s that play out against a normal 4 month window…
The call me if you change your mind text was a fatal mistake. 4 months? I don’t think she be back in 44 months. Never ever let her know that you will leave the door open.
So, she tells me its over, and were not getting back together, then texts me the next day to ask “how are you?” Whats up with that???? I just said I’m great and left it at that.
Why would she do that?
Dave
She is regretting her decision and wants to know you’re still there and an option, in case she decides to take you back. She wants to know she still has the power. Give her the gift of vanishing, take the power back, and then you’ll know if she really wants you. Girls only want what they can no longer have, so best way to play it is, unless she is going to take you back – Ignore her.
Unless you want to be the beta boy who texts her and blows up her phone without getting laid, of course.
I don’t think she’s regretting it, but it certainly is confusing…now the weekend is here and she will vanish from all sight. I know it sounds bad but it really is hard to understand, and it leaves guys vulnerable. It kinda pisses me off…
Sure as shit, 8 pm on Sunday night, I get the text asking how my weekend was. Why???? I just said it was great.
Asking what I did, and to tell me about her weekend. I almost was pissed that she was telling me about it. I saw the kids on Saturday, and they keep asking me when I’m coming home. They aren’t my kids but I love them the same. It felt great to see them, as they are amazing. But other than that, why would she keep asking me and texting me???? Only asking guys, as I do not text her.
does this apply to women as well? he broke-up with me because he found a new woman who forced him to be exclusive because she got a visa and bought a plane ticket to visit him. He said he just want to be just friends for now because he is obliged to be loyal/serious to her and don’t want to mess around with other women anymore. He said that if things change he will let me know. I told him I don’t want to be just friends and I went straight no contact, it’s been 12days that I disappeared. What I find shocking is that he hates LDR and didn’t even meet that woman in person yet so why ditch other girls alread? He is in a band and is used to girls stalking him online and begging for another chance, so he is probably surprised that I’m the first girl who disappeared after being dumped. I thought he was great, I don’t understand why he is allowing himself to be controled by some online woman who he never met in person.
Here is a situation for you. Been with my girl/sons mother 9 years, she says I’m being a asshole cuts me off from sex so I get tired and tell her to move back in with her mom. She constantly says I did it because I’m a jackass, so she says leave her alone she needs to think. She is miserable at her mom’s called crying I say come back home she says no u haven’t learned to quit being a jackass that fast. What do you suggest
I got a rare one. I am an older guy who was with a young lady half my age. I was seperated and she thought we might end up together. I really cared for her. She decided she didnt want to be physical anymore so i blew it off. She got really angry and said i used her and embarrassed her. I coudnt beleive she felt that way. I tried explaining to her that wasnt true but she doesnt or wont believe me. We have had contact infrequently but when i avoid her it seems she makes some contact. A key is i am friendly with her mom, who chats me up at the gym. I dont know how this plays into the no contact rule but i need some help on that.
I think her mom wants to fuck me also but i have no interest. Girl is on her third boyfriend in 2 years, always in love thinking this guy is the one. We go the same gym chain where i see the mom. Exact sametime but im in one location and she is in another one nearby.
I’m not commenting any more in this thread.
All of you are presenting circumstances as if they’re unusual when in fact they’re common and normal, then asking me what to do, when I’ve already explained exactly what to do about 10 times in this post and in this thread.
SO after about 4 weeks of no contact she sent me an email. Just asking me how I am doing. Did not reply, but next day I went by her office to say hi. She was chatty, but I kept it short and did not bring up any personal matters. Back to no contact again, see if she tries to contact me again…
I totally agree with you BD on everything. The mother of the chick chatty me up is not in the usual though lol
This is the magic pill you’re all looking for…
If you created enough attraction, made her laugh, had a good time, and generally showed her you were the man – regardless of what happened when the relationship died or how she dumped your arse or how your girl is super hot or different to the rest. If you created any sort of real value when you were with her…
She will come back!
Maybe not in a week, or a month. But sometime. If you go complete NC and vanish nuclear-style. She will start wondering. Trust me. They can’t believe in their hamster brain you’d just leave her like a bad smell.
This recently happened to me. Dated a solid 10 in most guys books, she dumped my arse. At 5 weeks complete NC and she’s already sent me a IG ‘follow’ request haha. Unless she’s ringing me up, i’m still walking.
You have to take it like a man. Best way to stop yourself when thoughts of her start creeping – Imagine that smug look on her face when she see’s a text from you after breaking NC!
Currently, she’s in limbo when you go NC; she doesn’t know if you’re banging other hotter girls or crying in your basement, but its human nature to assume you must be moving onto to hotter grounds if you aren’t hitting her up anymore. If there’s any sort of attraction left – she’ll be back. They always come back. They can’t rationalize the lack of attention you don’t give them anymore when you walk.
Tips for staying on the straight path. Work out. Spin other plates. Jack off. Think about that disgusting look she gave you all the time when she was losing attraction…
The end..
@Realtalk
Spot on. 100% truth.
i must sadly admit i have showed some softness in the past. We had big mucho attraction and really liked each other but i was not on her radar for the whole enchilada ( dating alot, marriage, kids etc.) so she decided it would be better just to be friendly. I did the NC and it worked wonders. But then i caved etc and was on and off trying to establish contact. Now im totally invisible like a wraith. all in on this
Nice real talk . Any other advice ?
My advice above covers everything. Another trick I use for perspective whilst getting back on the straight path after a breakup relates to the concept:
“Resistance is futile” – That is, accepting reality for what it is, not what you want it to be. Understanding and accepting what you cannot control (i.e. the girl and her feelings) and realising the stuff you can control (i.e. your actions/reactions to her). This is really important as a lot of guys get into the ‘mental masturbation’ of –
“if only i’d done this differently’ or ‘If only she knew how much I really like her’.
NO – When you start losing the girl, or losing your hand at the poker table – You don’t double down. I.e. you don’t try to challenge or convince a girl otherwise when she’s losing/lost interest. You don’t stay and beg and try and win again. You walk…
You cut your losses. Don’t challenge her opinion that she wants to sack your ass. Accept it. By challenging her opinion, subconsciously she’ll disagree as it goes against her hamster brain, which in her world is always right/rational, which you are now challenging. Racing drivers always drive into a skid when the car starts losing control…
It’s like trying to slap your hand on water when you’re angry – The harder you hit the water, the harder it will feel back. Don’t try hard to convince a girl. Tell her you respect her decision and want her to be happy. Even if you don’t (haha) – remaining icy won’t lose you anymore attraction.
FINALLY – Always bear in mind whilst you’re thinking about the girl, your strategy to win her back, make her jealous or any other dark arts you have in mind to re-win the pussy. She is getting on with her life. She will barely think about you. She will be flirting with other guys. Seeking new dick and probably telling them you were a loser…
Guys often forget this about girls – Most are evil. Most will screenshot your needy texts and send them round the girls whatsapp group to laugh at.
SO, next time you get a girl. Remember – A girl is never yours, it’s just your turn!
God bless America, the millions of hot European Girls, and the joys of Tinder.
Happy hunting
Will you still have sex with her after she has had a kid?
What a bizarre question. Of course I will. And have.
I have been ignoring her…we split up almost a month ago. She always initiates contact with me via text. I do not. Again let me make this clear, SHE told me it was over, and SHE told me were not getting back together. But every 3-4 days she texts. We’ve had text conversations, asking “how are you”, and telling me about the kids. But I have left her alone, and I keep it short when she contacts me. Hell, I’ve already gotten on Tinder and match.com… Then on Friday at 10 pm, out of the blue… I get a text from her telling me about a band we like thats coming to town in December.
WHY???? I wait to text her back the next morning, have a small and brief conversation with her, and then it’s nothing the rest of the weekend. What is going on? I cannot figure it out. And please, don’t give me the line of “your being beta”.
I have over 3 years invested in this, she, and her kids mean a lot to me. I just get the feeling that people that care get viewed as soft on here. But can anyone give me a no bullshit thought on this? I have asked about this previously. Do I want her back. Of course. But she said she didn’t, and I just don’t know what she is trying to do by this.
I do appreciate your views on this site. BD you seem like a stand up guy, and some of the other guys do too. Man, there are some great articles on here that have already helped me. But what is happening is confusing and it hurts. How or when does it stop?
Hi Dave,
I hear what you’re saying. Nothing wrong with caring when you have invested a lot in a girl you like. Maybe you need to communicate with the girl more clearly. Explain that you’re respecting her decision to break up, and it hurts you to not be a part of her life anymore as you still care about her/the kids, and unless she is open to working it out/talking, you can’t keep going like this, i.e. just texting, anymore.
Then, vanish. Don’t keep contacting and replying as you have to respect her decision.
Texts mean nothing, girls fire them off ten a dozen. Maybe not in your case, but texts don’t mean anything. Go by her actions – has she called you to talk and told you she misses you?
Girls often just text for validation. They want to know they can still have you, even if they don’t want you anymore.
Give them want they wanted. Space. Time and space are the biggest weapons against women playing games. No words, not even by shakespeare will convince her to get back with you. It has to be from her.
Been through something similar myself recently – When they break up with you – they are effectively saying my life would be better without you. You have to respect that. They’ve thought about it long before they dropped it on you…
There is nothing you can do, that’s the point. There’s only stuff you can do to make it worse and prolong the pain.
Thanks RT. It is a hard process. I had all my eggs in one basket and she turned that basket upside down. I have to get the rest of my things from her house. I still have many things there. I just don’t have anywhere to put them, as I am staying with a friend until I can get a decent apartment. My friends tell me if she wanted out of her life so bad, she’d be pissy and telling me to get my shit out of her house.
They know her too. People want to place money on her “ticking clock”, in the sense that she got mad and she may be thinking she made a mistake. And that was the reason she texted me at 10 pm on a Friday night, at home, cause she knew I’d be out. But they also say that if your thinking she feels guilty, or regret, it’s probably not the case. She has yet to take blame or apologize for anything. I did all of that like a coward.
But your right…she hasn’t called or said lets meet to discuss anything with her. So, she obviously isn’t that bothered. I have had to let go of all those bad memories, and concentrate on me. I’ve lost 22 pounds, and I have 30 more to go. I’m back in the gym. I am trying to get myself back together.
I agree, this communication has to stop. I just hate it.
I have not bothered her at all. She initiates the text contact. When I am texting, I keep it light. But, after more than 3 weeks, we were speaking on text yesterday. She was telling me how she was still angry and hurt. But I have been hurt too. She actually did more damage than I did.
She was saying that me telling her that I have changed and gotten a new perspective didn’t mean that much to me cause she’s still hurt. But at the same time, she says that she wants to know that I’m ok. I asked her if she just wants me to leave her alone. She says she just can’t let go overnight, and can I just let her know I’m ok.
I told her I can’t just let go overnight either, and do we really have to? I asked if that what was most important, that we vanish away from each other after all we’ve had? I don’t expect any promises, and I don’t want to let go of the rope.
We have 3.5 years invested in this. I care for her and her kids very deeply. We BOTH made incredible mistakes and hurt each other. But, we have a bond. It is different for me and her. I love those kids, and I love her. If I didn’t, I’d walk.
But maybe now I have to?
@Dave
I get that breakups can be painful but you need to examine where the pain is coming from. Ego and emotions. Your ego is hurt that she ended it and your emotions are tied up in letting go of your identity as a couple. I don’t know all the details but taking on her kids means you have a least a healthy dose of “white knight” in you.
I am going to tell you what I really think and feel free to call me an asshole if you want but I have been where you are and know of what I speak. The kids are bullshit. I am not saying you don’t care about them and that you don’t mean anything to them but they aren’t your kids are while 3.5 years isn’t nothing it isn’t anywhere near an entire childhood. You are just using them as an excuse to stay attached.
YOU DON’T WANT TO LET GO. Until you do want to let go (which is the only way your pain will stop) you are screwed.
You need to block her email. Block any social media. Block her number. No contact of any kind. Don’t see who she’s added on FB and worry about what that might mean. Total waste of time and energy.
You are focusing your energy on all the wrong things. Get yourself in great shape. Spent time with close friends and family that you care about. Start dating when you feel like it.
If you do those things for 5-6 months and meet a few great ladies and feel good about your life and you STILL think about the chick you are upset about now…then and only then reach out to her. If you really have such an amazing bond it will last 6 months. If not, how special could it have really been?
My expectation is that in six months you will be like “Who? Oh yea I remember her.”
At that point being the best version of yourself you could perhaps have her back and on much better (non beta) terms but I am just stunned that a women with three kids is the best you can do.
Best of luck and remember EVERY SINGLE DAY that you don’t break off ALL CONTACT is extending your suffering. You have no one to blame but yourself.
story – (long one 🙁 ) i met a gal like a friend on jan 2014 .. we had some oral play..bt nt fucking on may 2014 i proposed her fr marriage.. aftr tht v were on just oral play..she said me nt to make intercourse till marriage.. one day she left the city for holidays in october2014 ..whn she left aftr 2 days i got a phone call from her.. she was totally drunk out..and told me i am fucking with a guy ..he is with me.. we had sex today..i was going for holidays was a lie .. i m here to meet my friend..and v r fucking from last 1.5 years..i am nt a virgin. I went to the stage of depression and anxiety . i was all mad. textng her calling her. she blocked me on fb . she blocked me on cell. blocked me on whatsapp. 2-4 tyms we talked when she called me and she always said i dont wanna tak 2 u. one day i thought i wll nt call or text her . but one day she asked me for coffee. we went for coffee. she invited me to join the morning sesseion of workout with her . i joined tht . she went out with me fo dinner on 1 jan 2015. it was going well. in feb 2015 she again starting showing ego. i dont wanna meet u and i wll nt reply of ur msg. as i was blocked in call. so i always msg her . tht day i maid a choice tht i wll not meet her . but aftr 7-8 days she again caleed me for workout . i msg tht i wll join later . after 10 days she again asked me 2 join . i was ignoring her . on 21st april she again asked me to join workout . i replied i will join in 2-3 days you carry on . till now i had not got any msg nor i hav texted her . now wht to do suggest me. is she regretting her mistake bcoz i think calling me in such a drunk out position was her mistake and thr was some influnce on her of the 2nd guy ..she alwyz said she loves me and want to marry me . we were talking to our families and was thinking to marriage in march 2015 . i think she still want to marry me. and by avoiding me . she wants me to make mad . so i come on my knee and ask her to marry me . In very difficult position please suggest me wht to do . i didnt fucked her . and i wanna fuck her
So I have an update again. I saw her 3-4 times in the office and had a great chat each time. But nothing sexual or relationship related. I was aloof and funny and she made some jokes herself. So I invited her to dinner with some friends because I was going away to a new place. She came, she was flirty, there was tension between us, and she even touched my leg under the table a couple of times. She will be moving in the same place I am and she was even suggesting stuff we can do once she is here… There was also a weird moment when we were alone when she asked how I was doing and she seemed a bit sad. So when I got her home to say goodnight we hugged for a long time, but she didn’t let me kiss her… So I didn’t make a big deal out of it and we told each other that we would see each other soon. I kept no contact and after about 4 days she texted me asking how the new place is. I responded casually and she asked some more questions.
Do you think she is warming up to me again, or is this a friendzone thing ? Should I keep no contact again ?
Hey guys,
I’ve been giving people advice recently but got caught off-guard today and could really do with some help (Dawson/BD). Been straight NC with the girl who dumped me apart from a small text exchange at week 5 over her adding me up on social media.
Long story short I was on a date today in town, rarely been going in since we split and guess who walks past the window where we were sitting. Yes, the ex. I did the satisfied smile and wave and beckoned her in – obviously she didn’t because I was clearly with another (equally hot) girl. Date ended soon after as it was a first date, so text the ex if she wants to catchup etc. Got a lame excuse why she was busy but said she’s around till May (lol). Kinda of ended it there…
I don’t really know what to make of it all – looked alpha as moved on with hotter girl who she just happened to see me with so looked good as wasn’t intentional, but I did message her and she kind of blew me out again….?
Guess it’s the classic – start NO Contact again line right? Even if I give the ex an inch I seem to lose frame and
@StupidGuy
@RealTalk
You guys are missing the point. I think the quote goes, “Living well is the best revenge.”
Answer yourself this honestly…if you strip out your ego and emotions is there REALLY anything about these chicks you are suffering over that is truly THAT unique?
If you were losing it over a Vicoria’s Secret supermodel who was worth millions (but was cool about being loaded) with the mind of Einstein and off the charts emotional intelligence all while being a rock star in bed (with an identical twin sister that joined you in bed from time-to-time) and as kind, nurturing and empathetic as you can imagine then MAYBE it would make sense.
But that simply isn’t the case. That woman doesn’t exist. To be fair, neither does her male equivalent.
There are lots of amazing women. TONS. Your problem is a scarcity mentality. If you really can’t your head out of your ass to realize that while these women might be high value (and I am not even saying they are) there are plenty of other high value women out there, then you are simply the architect of your own suffering.
The fact that you know when she last contacted you (“small text exchange at week 5”) or (“she even touched my leg under the table a couple of times”) makes me want to slap you guys. Jesus have some self respect.
I don’t contact an ex after things have ended EVER. Not after 6 months. Not after six years. Because I am busy with other new and interesting women it doesn’t even cross my mind to waste energy on what they are doing or who they are doing it with. When a women does boomerang (and probably over 75% do eventually…sometimes years after last contact) I insist on three things:
– If we are meeting up we are having sex
– Zero drama
– We meet on my terms…zero conditions
I am never a dick about it but when they contact you, you control the power dynamic. When you contact them, they do. Why on Earth would you intentionally put yourself on the losing end right out of the gate?
Enjoy women. Treat women well both in and out of the bedroom. Love them even. But if you worship a woman you are DOOMED. First it is ridiculous…no one should be worshiped. And second, it can only end one way…very, very badly.
Yeah thanks,
I seem to be fine with overcoming the scarcity mentality and the abundance of meeting new women etc. Getting over Oneitis and taking her off a pedestal as well.
Any suggestions for helping with the mindset part – as in even though all the above is falling into place my ‘ego’
still feels massively damaged like I want to get one over on the girl. To prove her wrong. I seem to have locked down a lot of the stuff apart from the ‘not caring’ at all vibe. I still kind of give a f*** and my ego is like I still want to win…
@RealTalk
You have to re-frame your thinking.
You are right…this is probably 100% ego. So let me say this once…the more energy you put into trying to “win” the more she wins. The opposite of love is ambivalence. To “win” (not that I think that is the right goal in the first place) you must race as fast as you can to ambivalence. If you met a girl tomorrow that was 10% hotter, 10% smarter, 10% better in bed, 10% younger, 10% more successful, 10% nicer…etc why would you waste 2 milliseconds on the other chick…the other chick you fucked already I might add.
Some other thoughts. Let’s take an average group of 100 women 20-40 years old. How many of them do you think you would want to date for more than getting laid? 10 tops right? And my guess is once you had sex and got to know them better that probably drops to 5-7 that you might really want to continue to have in your life for a long period of time. That means 95% of the time or more NO MATTER WHAT A WOMEN DOES you wouldn’t want to pursue something with her.
Now I know all of us in the Manosphere like to think we are “special,” “unique,” “different” or “fill in self aggrandizing label here” but even if you are a high value man (and 2/3 aren’t) there is still a significant percentage of women that won’t want us for whatever reason. The reason is IRRELEVANT.
I always 1/2 jokingly tell all women I start seeing that I will literally be the easiest guy in the world to break up with…that my number one criteria in being with a women is she has to be really into me. That all they have to do is say, “Dawson, sorry but my feelings have changed.”
When that has happened my response is always the same, “I totally understand. I have really enjoyed our time together and I wish you nothing but success and happiness.” The truth is I mean it. I don’t need to know who, why or what caused their change of heart.
And my boomerang rate with women in this category is over 60%…not that it matters.
Quit helping her “win” by trying to “get one over on her” because a) it probably won’t work and b) even if it did it was a poor use of time and energy.
Invest that time in getting in better shape, making more money and finding even higher quality women that WANT you…in fact are DYING to be with you. That my friend is WINNING.
Good advice
Strong advice @Dawson
Taking it all on board for the next one.
Ego doesn’t seem to have much use in game from my experience, yet ironically most of the alpha guys/jocks etc seem to have one to a larger degree, before they become indifferent. More hindrance than help anyway. Definitely trying to get around to the perspective that its better to experience something with a decent girl and learn the lessons the hard way, than not experience anything at all. You know you’re doing something right when you put yourself on the line, as it stings like hell when/if they dump you. You know its real and you’re progressing that way.
Funny side story – The reason I got Oneitis bad on the last chick who dumped me was actually caused by tinder. Got dumped, started hitting up Tinder girls as didn’t have the logistics/time to day/night game and met a girl off tinder. Thought she was from the same country/looks as the previous one and thought I was in. Until I met her… She was the most disgusting girl I’ve ever met. Much shorter, uglier than in her photos and put be back thinking how good the last girl was haha. Never go on a tinder date and run the risk of the ugly catfish straight away – Best just to get out and find ‘real’ chicks first.
Also – Don’t get my wrong, there are some incredibly attractive girls on tinder. Usually you can catch them just as they downloaded the app, as in, before 100s of guys have messaged them asking for sex and they delete it or no longer swipe. Haha. Met a German last year who wanted to cheat on her bf as he was using Tinder behind her back. The ‘fling’ lasted 1 day before was messaged she was going back to her bf.
Time is immaterial in game – I’ve had amazing experiences with girls lasting 24hours whilst some friends have dated girls for years without any excitement.
Game, what you say and do, is all relative to the girl and your own reality. That’s what keeps it exciting, you don’t know whether it’ll last years or minutes – and what will happen.
i didnt got any suggestion 🙁 anywyz its ok
Jesus I only fucked one chick and that from cold approach in 8 months since breakup and I thought I had game.
I am a female (or whatever pet name you call me) and I want to thank you for helping me realize what was being done to me. This is great! I will let all my lady friends know about this site. To say I feel empowered is an understatement
I usually call females “women” or “girls.”
Awesome! Please do! The more traffic I get here the more money I make. Thank you for spreading the word!
Wonderful! Glad to help.
I definitely screwed up!!! In our previous breakups I’ve always made the pussy mistake and contacted after 2 maybe 3 weeks. Seems I always miss her and she never misses me. However,this time I ended it (usually her) after finding private facebook messages a boyfriend doesn’t want to see. She claimed they were old messages during our last break up yet she packed her stuff and left without a fight or any emotion. She said as she was leaving that I would be calling begging for her back. I decided it was time to painfully move on for good and definitely was committed to showing her I was for real. The no contact began and lasted almost 2 months when she unexpectedly tried calling me out of the blue. I reluctantly ignored and she left no message. Usually when she wants something and gets ignored,her narcissism cuts loose and she will call,text,maybe even show up at your house until she gets a response. Not this time,which definitely caused unwanted curiosity and temptation. I managed to make it 8 days following her solo call. My pussy ass texted her a caption that stated “I know we don’t talk anymore but I just want you to know that I still love you and think about you everyday”. Alcohol was involved and the curiosity killed me. However, I am approaching day 3 of her ignoring my text. This whole thing is crazy and I was doing so good. I would really like some opinions or thoughts on this mess.
I just want to add some important ingredients to my above post. I could write a book about this almost 2 year relationship. I will try to shed light with short details. I was 35 and she was 23 when she was introduced to me unexpectedly by the neighbor kid,her cousin. We hit it off and started sleeping together after 2 days. We became inseparable for next month before she pulled a dissapering act for her baby daddy which truly stung. She came back and shortly moved in. We both thought we had found our soul mates and you would never know we were 12 years apart. We had a great honeymoon phase and had the greatest sex I have ever had. I have had sex with about 40 girls and relationships with about 10 of them. I have never made it past 6 months with the exception of my child’s mother. I simply find flaws, lose attraction,lose feelings, or simply get bored, sometimes all of them. This was not the case with her yet she had major flaws and wasn’t the prettiest girl I’ve been with. For whatever reason though, I fell and fell hard. I put this girl ahead of everything. I told her I wanted to take care of her and her son forever. I put her on a pedestal and would do anything for her. I was saying things and acting in ways that were all for the first time in my life. Our sex always got better and I now know that the sex is my major hangup and difficulty in getting over her. I developed a serious addiction to her. This girl was a freak just like me. She was fetish friendly, tried anything, loved exploring new things, aggressive at times,kinky, and the list goes on. Our comfort zones with each other was something I’ve never experienced and it started our first night together. So I find a girl I feel like I’ve known for years,acts and talks on a comfort level instantly that I’ve never received from anyone in any relationship, gives me a comfort zone I’ve never experienced with anyone, successfully convinces me that she has never loved or felt this way towards anyone, fully accepts all my baggage and habits…all this and top it off with my best sex ever…It’s safe to say I’m addicted to her. It’s real and she’s gone. I need help folks.
Thank god I found this blog. I’m 61, she’s 45. She’s a 9 or a bit more. Amazing sex. We’ve been on and off for 2.5 years. The other day she really lost it and slagged me off for three hours. I did not say a word. I left.
My other interest is 40. So yes, it is possible. I’m nothing special but now I put myself first, I do much better than I did when younger. It’s the way of the world.
Why am I here? Just to confirm to you guys that if you had something, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK. Regardless of what they say to you.
So move on, don’t worry and respect yourself. Completely ignore for at least two weeks – longer if you can manage it – if and when you do reply to them, make them do the work. If she doesn’t contact after 4 months (it’s usually about 2 weeks maximum) then give it a shot or consider getting right out of it.
AND you want sex. Don’t confuse love with lust and don’t confuse loneliness with love. Not that you should be lonely anyway. God luck all.
@Realtalk
What you say is correct?
@Tim. You are suffering oneitis. You know the cure. Get that beef in any available bun pronto, and I mean ANY AVAILABLE BUN.
“I’m 41 years old and my husband has recently told me that he wanted out of the marriage and he actually left a few days later, after 21 years of marriage.After the initial shock wore off and I was able to think straight I purchased your spell I was able to persuade him to give me and the marriage another chance I had to wing it with only your strategies in my head Many, many thanks for your resources…”drisaachelpcenter@outlook.com .. Regards
@ Jean Clark. Hi there. There are many websites concerned with getting our ex back. Some for men, some for women and some for both. The one thing they have in common is using counter intuitive methods to achieve our goal. I followed one in particular which was aimed at both sexes. I think the women outnumbered the men. There was a very high success rate in re-establishing an old relationship. BUT, keeping them for any length of time was the main downfall. I wish you well but be prepared.
@RealTalk
If you created enough attraction, made her laugh, had a good time, and generally showed her you were the man – regardless of what happened when the relationship died or how she dumped your arse or how your girl is super hot or different to the rest. If you created any sort of real value when you were with her…
She will come back!
Question: Even if she is stubborn and has an ego bigger than a guy?
@James
IMO you are missing the larger point. She may boomerang. She may not. All that you are doing is wasting your limited mental energy on something that you can only impact in the negative direction by taking action. If she wants to come back on terms you are 100% comfortable with then great. If not, you have moved on to bigger and better things.
Wasting energy on someone that at least for the moment isn’t interested in you simply shows self esteem in need of repair and a case of oneitis. Wait until she contacts you and don’t waste another second on what she might or might not do based on whatever.
@James
Exactly what Dawson said. You can’t make her come back, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. You need to be in the mindset that she isn’t coming back, move on with your life and improve, and if she does come back – you can decide then, if that’s what you want. Most likely you’ll have moved on and got over the pedestaling oneitis and no longer want her back…
I always find that a few months down the line you’ll find a new girl who’s hotter and more into you than the last, and then you won’t bother. If you’ve read all my posts, I went through this earlier in the year. Don’t even know how long it’s been but I’ve moved onto a new girl, and guess who shows up and messages me again. Yeah, the old girl and she wondered what I was upto
I never replied as I was in bed with the new girl and her soft kisses distracted me from replying. 100percent happened last weekend. Now that is living well and it felt real good. All thanks to this blog/dawson etc.
This is what this is all about. It’s about you, not some girl who’s made a decision for you. Its about what you want, when you want, and how you want it. And if it doesn’t align to your thoughts. Walk. Forget being tough, funny, rich – Being a man is respecting yourself first!
The hottest thing about any girl, is one who is really into me. She has to be a fan. A massive fan in fact. Half heartedly going into anything in life is a waste…
@anyone who might be interested: Me 61, she 45. She gave me the elbow couple of weeks ago. I went straight into no contact AT ALL. Today, I got this text:
Not many years back I would have gone into panic mode. But now I can translate this (plus I have back up plans). It means, “I had to contact you but must seem to be strong. Please contact me.”
I won’t be. Keep smiling all. They always come back except when they don’t, which is rare. If they don’t, you don’t need them.
@RealTalk
Amen brother. Articulated perfectly!
@Al
Dude I hate to break it to you but they shouldn’t be back-up plans. “Stop thinking about me…” might mean “…please contact me.” but it also might mean “I am about to get a restraining order.”
That is about as clear a signal as I can possibly imagine. Honestly if I got a message like that from a woman I wouldn’t let her boomerang unless she begged me. And I mean BEGGED. Your time is too valuable to waste on someone that would talk to you that way.
But as you say, no need to panic. Like RealTalk said, find a woman that can’t wait to be with you and focus your time and energy on someone that deserves it.
@Dawson. Thanks for your input. Your words of caution are well noted. This one’s behaviour was BAD! So she’ll be getting the full 4 months anyway. Plus, not sure she can get a restraining order based on what she thinks I am thinking. I must stress, I disappeared off the face of the earth with this one. There has been NO contact at all. The point I was making is the power of no contact. She had no need to contact me at all. But, call it a fishing trip, call it what you will, she was trying to provoke me into replying. Which I haven’t and won’t be doing! And that is SO important. Don’t reply whatever they say. They are cunning and manipulative. It can be so very difficult to keep silent. But it must be done and it works. Begging will be good.
I am seeing someone else………….. and not spending a great deal.
@Al
Let me ask you this…why contact her in 4 months? In your own words she behaved badly. Let her contact you and even if she does contact you she should “have to make it up to you” for her awful behavior.
I don’t know how cunning most women are. And most people are manipulative when they don’t have power and aren’t getting what they want.
What I have done in the past when I feel even slightly tempted is I block every single way for them to contact me (and of course this means I can’t contact them either). All social media, email, and cell phone. It is very quick and easy to do so. This actually increases the bar they have to clear to boomerang. It removes any temptation on my end.
When I have done this in the past they usually just create a new email or text me from a friend’s phone in an effort to reconnect. This even further sways the power dynamic in your favor because you will both know she had to go the extra mile to contact you.
It is great that you are seeing someone else but if you are watching the calendar about when you are going to contact her (4 months, 6 months, whatever…) you have already lost the battle IMO.
thanks @RT & @Dawson.
you read this and you will say….wtf were you thinking dude!
i am 35-1wife-1kid, very well off financially & “generally” happy in family. she joined our company about an year ago 35-1husband-2kids, well off and very unhappy with husband. starts talking to me and eventually we fall in love. she kissed me first and she wanted to make love to me. even at that stage i hesitated asked….if she really felt the need to do so & she said YES. i did not initiate anything. later on i started loving her more. i was ready to give up everything and marry her. we had a great time together. problem started when i couldnt spend more time with her. i became needy and 1 day when fustrated, i sent her an email and said bye. since that day, i just cant take her off my mind. its as if she is in my DNA. i begged, pleaded…did everything but she isnt willing to take me back. i was atleast partially happy before she showed up but now i am completely fucked. man…shit comes in all shapes and form. fuck cant talk to anyone also. have started working from home more frequently now. but no matter what, she come screaming into my thoughts every few mins. very difficult.
All you need to do is re-frame your thinking. A negative thought only lasts for 60 seconds or less unless you re-enforce it. You create your own misery by fixating on a married, cheating woman that already has two kids that aren’t yours. I mean do you really think that is the best you can do?
You need to learn from your (even in your own eyes) obvious mistakes and be vigilant to not make them again. Love/lust/infatuation is just brain chemistry. Understand all that it does is mess with your ability to be objective and clear headed and will guide you into making bad decisions like considering marrying an already married woman with two kids because She’s So Special, Not Like The Rest or My Soulmate.
You have to see how ridiculous it all sounds don’t you?
Silly, silly boys. That’s what sort of message games like this send to women. The truth of the matter is, these sorts of tactics only work on women with little or no self-esteem. As a seasoned and mature female, I’ve seen it all at this point and most women know games when they meet them. Ignoring a woman for any length of time, especially weeks or months is deadly to any existing attraction she might genuinely have for you (or forgiveness). After a break-up, regardless of who is at fault, a woman allows herself time to mourn and once that period passes, she has moved on. I promise you, any woman with an ounce of self-confidence will have long since moved on in 4 months and any budding feelings, once tarnished, never return. Your best bet with any woman is something we rarely see in the male species… open and honest communication. Be it known, it is oft the male species that struggles with this, not women.
The best dating advice I ever received is the most honest and truest thing I’ve ever found value in: Women and men will never truly see eye to eye until men stop treating women like poorly behaved men and women cease treating men like poorly behaved women. To sum it up, stop thinking like a man. That is your downfall.
Peace.
Demonstrably and provably wrong. It works on women over 30, over 40, women with Ivy League college degrees, women who make more than $100K a year, etc.
That isn’t what I recommended. Did you even read the article beyond just the title?
Hey guys,
first of all, thanks for your advice.
After reading the article I have got a lot of self confidence.
Now to my story:
My Ex girl breaks up with me before 3 days, I keep cool and accept the fact, that it is over.
I deleted her Number etc. And since there I did not contact her.
Should I just now wait till she contacts me ?
I just want to fuck her again.
Thanks guys!
PS: sry for my english I am from germany
By the way, she is 26 years old and I am 20, and we were together for about 1,5 years.
@Enrico
I don’t buy for a second that you “…just want to fuck her again.” If that was true you wouldn’t have had any need to delete her number.
Be honest with yourself about how you are feeling or it will impair your ability to get the result you do want…her to come back to you.
I personally only delete someone’s number, etc. if I feel tempted to contact the person. If you don’t feel tempted to contact her there is no reason to delete or block her.
And yes…you wait for her to contact you. She dumped you so if she wants you back she is going to have to ask and ask nicely. I wouldn’t contact her in 4 months or 4 years. As time goes by so long as you haven’t gone beta/pussy/stage 5 clinger in her mind she will amplify the good experiences with you and minimize the negative ones. She will likely come back.
Your goal should be to fill your life with fun, attractive, interesting women so that when she does come back (and most do) you will be able to behave in the most outcome independent way which will not only maximize the likelihood of her wanting to get back with you but her willingness to do so on your terms.
@Dawson Stone
thanks for your reply bro!
Ok, sure I want her to come back, but I does not want to stay there like a needy pussy u know what I mean, because of that I delete her number, and do not contact her anymore, I want to live my life and prove her that I can live without her.
I mean today is the 4th day without her and I was afraid of texting her back, because I had a lot of feeling for her..
A time ago I made the misstake to beg her and realize that this makes everything just more bad..
But know I want that she is the one, who comes..
The only question in my head is, what if she does not contact me in 4 months for example. And should I forget her till she contacts me, because I do not want to make hope and than she will not contact and I’m disappointed.
But on the other side I do not want to contact her because of my ego, I do not want that she controls me..
thanks 🙂
And another thing that makes me think is, in the internet they talk about a no contact strategy and it should be just 30 days, now I do not know how long I should ignore her
In my opinion I would NEVER contact her. Let her contact you. Assume you will never hear from her again and move on. Don’t pretend to move on…move on.
Don’t have hope she will contact you. If she does, she does. If she doesn’t, so be it.
NEVER CONTACT HER FIRST.
It can only reduce whatever your chances are of having her back in your life in any way.
@Enrico
Bro, you’re 20!!! C’mon!!! You’re damn young…
1) Go lift some weights to better yourself, build some real life self-esteem and make some friends with the right mindset (add the “get buffed” effect as a bonus).
2) Go have fun with other women ASAP! You have a whole world of amazing pussy awaiting for you! I know it’s hard right now but you gotta have the guts to go after it. I 100% garantee it’s worth the initial struggle!
3) Man up! As Dawson said, if she does not want you anymore, accept the facts and move on. I’m sure things will be a lot different for you down the road.
Hey thanks guys for your support!
I will stay cool and live my life, and I wont contact her.
I’m still liftin bro
I cussed her out and called her a bunch of degrading names. I did it because she disrespected me and every time I broke up with her, one night she would tell me to go die and get into a car crash and the next day she would always contact me like nothing happened and apologize and I accepted her apology. She started throwing tantrums with me first and then I finally lost it and cussed her out and now I feel bad because I shouldn’t have stooped down low to her level. Now she finally is the one to say she’s done and breaking up with me. But yet she always contacts me. When she calls, I pick up and all she does is scream and yell at me telling me it’s over. But then when I hang up, she’ll continue to text me to tell me it’s over, but she never goes away.
I’m starting to go No Contact now and have to force myself to not answer her calls or text her back. I have been regularly working out and bettering my physical well being before but now, after all this drama, I feel like I am LOSING motivation to work out. Kinda counter-intuitive. I think my emotions and ego are too involved? I don’t have much of an appetite to eat. I don’t have any interest in meeting new girls or trying to date anyone new, is this because it’s too fresh out of a break-up that I want to follow through with? I feel like all the times we say we’re breaking up, it’s just words, we never do break up, we gather our emotions and realize all the bad things we say when we cuss each other out was under emotions.
@Dawson Stone
Hey bro I feel so bad.. yesterday I saw her with a new guy kissing.. First I was very angry etc but later she calls me and we talk and she tolds me that she does not love me anymore but want to stay cool, and man 1 week after we broke up.. fuck life
@Enrico
I really am sorry you are hurting. Everyone (man or woman) has been there at some point by their mid 20s.
A few questions and please excuse my harsh language but you need a wake-up call.
A) Why the fuck were you somewhere she would be and ESPECIALLY somewhere she might be kissing a guy?
B) Why would you be angry? You are broken up.
C) How can she call you if YOU HAVE HER FUCKING NUMBER BLOCKED?
Fortunately this is all fixable but not if you don’t collect your balls and quit being such a pussy. Don’t get me wrong, break-ups SUCK and the suffering can be intense. But only YOU can make it better and only YOU can make it worse.
There is one simple rule when you get dumped by someone that you really like. DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT OF ANY KIND FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS. Now let’s talk about what no contact actually means:
– You block her number- You block her email
– You unfriend her/unfollow her/etc. as well as anyone that she is friends with
– You DO NOT spend time with anyone that could tell you what she is up to
– You DO NOT use a friend’s account to check out her FaceBook or whatever
If you are doing this correctly she could die and you wouldn’t know about it for those three months.
Next, hit the gym every day for the next month. Not 3x a week. Not 5x a week. SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
Drink ZERO alcohol for the next month. FUCKING ZERO. A drunk broken hearted guy will text her and regret it.
Create an online dating profile and start going on dates. I don’t care if your heart isn’t 100% in it. You need to see that there are other women (BETTER women) that would love to be with you.
If you choose not to do those things then you are the architect of your own suffering. If you do them you will be shocked by how much better you will feel in a week, a month, etc.
Six months from now you will look back at how you are acting now and want to get into a time machine and pistol whip yourself.
Good luck.
@Dawson Stone
A.) I was walking with friends on her street and saw it from the window bro..
B.) Sure we were broken up but it is hard for me to accept that other men get my girl, but now I do not give a fuck what she is doing, because I’m disappointed and just want to go my way but my ego want’s to fuck her a last time (yes it sounds really crazy).
C.) Bro I did not block her number, just deleted.
Thanks man for your support, it motivates me to go my own way by ignoring her and just to be cool.
I started the no contact and my target is focused. I will not contact her in any kind of way.
Thanks!
@Dawson
had I read your/bd/RT comments earlier, I wouldnt be in this shit presently. its like the Oracle explaining it to Neo in the Matrix. You know its ego and needs to be ignored, yet, the feelings of missing her, missing the things she used to do, missing looking into her eyes, missing having dinners etc etc… keeps on lingering in your mind even months after the breakup.
its been 3 months now, last contact was on May 7. I am ‘definitely’ not giving in this time. Her birthday is on June 7. i do wish to wish her, but wont. already begged and pleaded enough. No more now.
thanks for the support guys. I have read your comments over and over and over again to understand them as deeply as I could and there is only one conclusion…..let her go!
@Darren
Glad you have found people’s comments on here helpful. Let me add a few more thoughts. One of the best ways to get over emotions (there is no getting around feeling them but how long they keep their grip on you can be mitigated) is to introduce objectivity whenever possible. Was she:
the smartest woman you ever met?
the most facially beautiful?
have the best body?
the most exciting and adventurous in bed?
the most ambitious?
the most self aware and emotionally intelligent?
etc.
In case you aren’t sure the answer to all the above if “no.”
When you catch yourself remembering some positive aspect of her or your relationship just remind yourself of the above. Even if she was high value there are TONS of high value women out there.
I hope it goes without saying that not only should you have no contact but you should have blocked/deleted any way to contact her now even if you wanted to.
Good luck.
Completely ignore her for at least four months.
BD: Man, this shit is tough. I mean, I have done 7 days so far and it is driving me crazy. I forgot to brush my teeth this morning! & 4 months – dang!! But, I’ll do it. Keep my self strong and do it anyways.
Credit to BD on this…straight up one of the best “in your face” blogs with honest, no BS content I’ve seen in a long time! I read entries from the entire thread and still didn’t see a couple questions addressed that I have.
1) I totally understand the NC rule and holding to it no matter how hard. However, (and I know every girl and relationship is different), but is the NC strategy just effective to get her to continue periodic sex and we should settle for that long term or is there success with it bringing her back for a long term relationship so you can get back to banging her every day?
2) Should we consider it a success if it means we are resorting to sharing her with other guys on a regular basis and brings back sex with her just once every 2-4 weeks or so?
3) If we are bringing them back just for sex and have to settle knowing we are likely not the only guy in she’s talking to and we know from past experience she’s on the pill, but doesn’t like condoms, shouldn’t we be leary about catching what one of these other guys might have?
Keeping a long-term relationship is of course possible, but that’s a completely different set of techniques. This thread is about what to do after she leaves. Your question is more about what to do before she leaves. Completely different topic.
As opposed to never having sex with her ever again, like with most monogamous relationships? Yes.
Never forget what you’re comparing this to.
If she’s actively fucking other men, yes. You need to see an original copy of a recent STD test, otherwise you keep the condom on when you have sex with her.
I have been sad beyond belief for the past seven weeks because my boss broke up with me after three incredible secretive months together. I found this blog and it has really changed my mind about the likelihood of her coming back. I realized today that Blackdragon is exactly right. I looked back on my past and these examples came up:
1) I was in bed with my girlfriend in 2009 when another woman I was occasionally sleeping with came to my door at 1am and refused to leave until I met her outside. This resulted in her leaving in an angry huff an hour later AND my girlfriend breaking up with me in the morning after one long sleepless night. Looking back, I was sleeping with the girlfriend again in just one month, and I was sleeping with the other woman in about six months. They really do come back.
2) I was with another woman on a trip to Vegas in 2007. Words were exchanged and an ugly breakup ensued. She switched seats with me on our flight home and she told me to never contact her again. Three years later we slept together and then she married someone else whom she now regrets choosing over me! They really do come back
So, here I am reading Blackdragon’s amazing blog and all of these wonderful comments from people who’ve gone through the same things and suddenly I realized – why am I worried, they really do come back. I’ve seen it, first hand, three times and counting. And let me tell you: I didn’t know about the four month rule back then, but in every case I was actually already ignoring them simply because I had lost all hope. But they all came back! I hope this helps some of you 🙂
I broke up with my ex a few days ago because she wanted a “break”. I acted cool and it wasnt a bad breakup, been on NC since. She sent me a message saying “hey” two days ago, I didn’t respond, and yesterday said “hey” again to which I also didn’t respond to.
Am I doing the wrong thing by not responding if I want her to boomerang?
James, read the post and the comments.
– 4 months minimum no contact (6 or more is better);
– fuck other women ASAP;
– after that pitch a date on your place, escalate, sex…if she does not comply, rinse and repeat the whole process;
@POB….I’ve seen both strategies in the posts on James question about whether or not to respond to texts so soon after the breakup/separation. BD said (in the beginning of the blog) that if she initiates the contact, it’s a good sign and ok to proceed with a meet up and then into her pants, but you are saying it’s best to wait much longer and continue to ignore, I’m guessing to hopefully make her miss you more and second guess herself.
Is it really best to just assume that if she texts you, and you get the sign from her she wants to meet to jump on the chance right away, or could the staying to the ignoring long after after she texts you a few times seal the deal on her thinking “oh well, he’s moved on for good” and missing your chance with her? Or are they both good strategies and it depends on other factors on which strategy to use?
@James
It depends on your state of mind and your goals. Do you have a bit of oneitis with her? Do you simply want to have sex with her again from time-to-time or do you want to be back in a relationship with her again (I would say “hell no” to this but that’s another conversation)?
If you are still hung up on her at all I wouldn’t “not respond” I would block her number so responding or not responding isn’t even an issue. If she wants to contact you again there are a million ways for her to do so and the fact that she has to escalate her level of effort to contact you improves the power dynamic between you substantially.
If you really aren’t that hung up on her I guess I would ask why bother? If you two were dating exclusively for a while wouldn’t you want something new and exciting versus someone you have already had a bunch of times? But if you are going to bother (for whatever reason) I would quickly escalate and make it clear that if you are going to meet with her it is for sex (be nice about it but firm) and if she doesn’t want to, no problem but then block whatever new form of communication she used and move on. Again, if she wants to reconnect with you on YOUR terms it will be easy for her to do so.
It’s my personal opinion that going back to giving her attention so soon is a minus because:
1) you’re doing it in her own terms. She asked for it, you gave it away for no good reason. No DHV my friend, her pussy just dried out on you;
2) you’re still in an emotional state. You can bullshit yourself all you want, but after a break-up with a woman you like you are not outcome independent. This is why going out and/or doing other girls is a better way to test independency. If you still have deep feelings for her, you’ll notice it right away when you’re around other women who want to get intimate.
It’s not easy to become outcome independent! You have to put yourself to the test over and over again. This is why we say you should fuck other women ASAP, specially after a break up. Any girl who’s at least fuckable to you is ok. More than one is better.
The ocean is full of fish!!! Gotta have the balls to get on that boat and sail away from your comfort island.
@Dawson
Honestly I do want to get back together at some point, I know what I did wrong in the relationship, she fell in love with me cause I put myself first and had an alpha mindset, but gave in to her needs as time went on and became the bitch in the relationship. This week post breakup has made me feel great about myself and how I now learned so much from being with her.
I’ve hooked up with two former FWBs since breakup, but shits not the same, I felt like an emotional wreck after both because in my mind I wanna be with my ex and these girls just don’t cut it.
Another thing that I would think is a factor that I haven’t seen discussed on this thread is whether or not the NC zone will benefit all types of guys (alpha 2.0, alpha 1.0 and beta) or would it vary based on her already knowing the type you are and what she is looking for?
@ James
I agree with you. I’m eight weeks down the sudden breakup road now, but only seven days into full No Contact. I’ve been with three different FWBs during the past two months, but nothing has made me remotely begin to forget her. I’ve also started hanging out with two other women just to fill the time and do the things that I always loved doing with her – long walks, wine bars, dining, long talks, etc. All of these things lessen the impact of not having her around, but the only thing that really seems to help is getting one day further down the No Contact road. Each No Contact day gets easier and I suppose that there is a “hump” after which you really do begin to forget about her somewhat more each day. It seems like only then can your mind begin to relax and she will usually, around the same time, begin to remember all of the good things you shared while letting go of whatever negativity drove her away. Jon Favreau’s character in Swingers went through exactly the same emotional breakup S’storm that many of the posters in this string have endured – and Vince Vaughan described to him exactly why and how forgetting about her is the ONLY thing that begins to make her start thinking of you again. If you’ve never seen that movie, I recommend that you rent it tonight. Jon’s torment is our torment and his redemption is the moment many of us wish for.
@James
Let me say it in a different way. If you can get a women back sexually you can usually get her back into a relationship. Your problem is your oneitis will kill ANY chance of having the right power dynamic. I mean you sound like her pussy is made of gold and her nipples spray Cristal champagne. I have been with hundreds of women and sure some are hotter than others and some are better in bed than others and some are smarter than others and some are cooler than others but there really isn’t THAT big a difference except IN YOUR MIND!
So long as you act like this one particular chick is SomeOneSpecial, NotLikeTheRest, etc. you are not going to get her back with the right power dynamic. The irony is the only way you will get her back on the terms you want is when you don’t want her back (or are ambivalent to if she comes back).
I am sorry but that’s the cold honest truth. Best of luck to you.
I really wish there was a magic oneitis pill to cure all you guys. And I do not say that in a good manner.
You need to man-up right now! Take the fucking hit and go meet other women for fucks sake!
Stop trying to win her back, to guess what she’s up, to count the days you’re not together…just stop that beta shit once and for all. You’re drooling over something that was never yours in the first place.
If you ever want to fuck her again (and I said fuck, not get back together in a monogamous shitty relationship that will never work long term), set the alarm clock on your smartphone to tick after 6 months and go have fun!
I don’t care if you don’t have feelings for the new women you’re fucking, continue to do that (and add new ones to the fold) and soon enough she’ll be just another one who left some good memories on you.
She’s not that important damn it!!! Focus your attention and efforts to better yourself and to fulfill your mission and go be happy.
@POB
Amen brother.
Dude I totally hear you, but not everyone is in the same place in their life. Not saying this is me, but some guys on here may have been in an engagement and planning to start a family with the girl. I mean things like “just snap out of it” and “go fuck other women whether you have an interest in them or not” the day after you break up isn’t exactly realistic and I’m not trying to be a “Debbie/Danny Downer” or whatever, but fuck a little realism needs to be considered also, lol. It’s no doubt this is what is needed to mentally move on and not fall into a 6 month depression, but it ain’t gonna happen overnight with every guy whether they are a whiny Beta or not.
@Steve B
I know what you’re saying and yes, I partially agree with you, but if these guys are coming to places like this they are clearly seeking to improve their relationship lives.
If BD, Dawson and myself say things that sound cold or harsh or angry is because we’ve been there before. And we will never go back again.
In my case I say “thank you” in my thoughs everyday, specially to some good old friends that had the balls to tell me the cold-hearted truth when I needed it (without regards for how I was feeling in that particular moment). That’s what real friends do!
Remember: It does not worth it to feel like that for anyone! Life has much more to offer!
If you think carefully you’ll see that in all those cases suffering is a choice. You can choose to suffer or you can choose to be happy! Simple as that.
Mind you I never said it was gonna be easy! In fact it’s quite the opposite, because untill you become good you’ll be served bowls and bowls of shit from women if you try to behave like an Alpha. They’ll test you till your balls drop. But in the end it’s totally worth the effort.
@Steve B
Even if you want a relationship because “some guys on here may have been in an engagement and planning to start a family with the girl” the same premises apply. The point POB and I are trying to make is if you set up things with a scarcity mentality you have royally screwed yourself and done so unnecessarily.
And for me it isn’t a matter of “snap out of it” or “just go fuck someone” but of being objective, rational and level headed. Anyone that can remove their ego and emotions from the equation (and Jesus it isn’t that hard) will make far better decisions.
I can make the argument for days that men shouldn’t marry but even if I were to concede that some men might want to get married all the same rules still apply. If you have to have any control in your life and marriage you HAVE TO have options and keep those options available. A women that knows her husband will only stay married if he is treated well WILL BE TREATED WAY BETTER.
@Dawson and POB
I got another text from my ex saying “are you going to answer me?” Should I respond to this one or not?
@James
What part of BLOCK HER FUCKING NUMBER is confusing to you? Then you don’t have a decision to make. You clearly are not in a place where you can be outcome independent so block every possible way for her to communicate with you.
Hit the gym. Spend time with friends and family. Travel. Read. Get your head on straight. She may boomerang again when you aren’t in such a bad place. She may not. Either way it is for the best.
@ Dawson & POB
Thanks for taking a minute to go into more detail and explain that you guys do know where I’m coming from. You guys are so good and right about pounding in our heads that it’s all about learning from what happened, realizing that you still have everything you did before you got shit on and then preparing yourself to never let it happen again by keeping and maintaining all options. If one goes down, you’ve got the others to lift you up. Almost like a mutual fund investment versus investing all your money in just one stock, lol. But anyway something inside does find it fucking tough as hell to comprehend that marriage almost isn’t even an option anymore for guys if we want to be happy. We all want to believe that those that we can be one of those “happy” in love couples that we see walking around (and ya I know some are faking it and behind closed doors they aren’t), but there are tons of others that swear they really share so many things in common and enjoy each other as best friends as well as lovers. If you’ve been living the single life a long time and your in your middle years and ready for someone to share life with, it’s like where the fuck can we find that and trust that without getting shit on? Because divorce has got to be 10 times worse especially if kids are involved. Anyway, I know this isn’t for this thread so not looking for a response.
@Steve B
Here is another less hopeless way to think about it. I use God as a near perfect analogy. I am an atheist and do not believe there is a God. However, I certainly can’t know this for a fact. It would be great if there is a heaven for me to go to when I die but I certainly am not going to live my life like that’s the case.
Women and relationships can be the same way. I have so many wonderful women in my life. All ages, races, levels of intelligence and education, etc. I cannot imagine getting married again, having kids again, living with someone again, being monogamous again. But in the same way I allow for the possibility of God and heaven I allow that any of the above while EXTREMELY unlikely is still possible. I simply say to myself let that be the SIDE EFFECT and not the GOAL of any romantic relationship I might have. I am still VIGILANT to always remaining objective about the women in my life but anything is possible.
Just my $0.02 worth.
@Steve B, this is a perfect example of the wrong mindset you’re into. The answer to these questions should be “I don’t know” and “I don’t care”.
Unlike BD and Dawson, I did not get married and I don’t have kids. Even so I was engaged (more than once) and had some long monogamous relationships in the past, so I feel really confortable talking about being with the same woman for a long time.
I’ll try to be brief…
I love my life! I work doing what I like (although there is a lot of room for improvement in this department), I have my own place, my finances are in check, I travel to where I want to, I have wonderful gorgeous women of all races and backgrounds sharing my bed, I have a loving and caring family, got few but trustworthy close friends, enjoy an awesome social circle, lift weights 4-5 times a week, look buffed and 7-8 years younger than my peers, etc, etc. Bottom line is my life rocks!
Now enters a new woman (I’ll call her Jane). Sex is awesome on the first weeks, we’re getting along great! After two or three months Jane decides I might be a good provider and start to make demands.
She says I don’t give her enough attention, that next time I go abroad she wants to travel with me, wants to meet my friends, etc, etc.
I talk to her, tell her I really like to spend time together but I will not compromise because I have other plans and things to acomplish right now. She asks me if I have other women, and I’m completely honest with her. She leaves a little sad but she understands who I am and say “thanks for your honesty”. I get back to my awesome life and go see other women in my rotation, who are also gorgeous, caring and enjoy spending time with me.
After ten months Jane texts me. Her boyfriend was (feel free to pick one):
1) caught cheating
2) boring and bad in bed
3) a controlling asshole
4) a douche who lived with his mom and did not know what to do with his life
Now she needs an honest Real Man who really understands her. We meet. We have awesome sex. She gets back into my life knowing I have other women, and our relationship resumes as nothing ever happened. I’m telling you, this is real life stuff that happens to me in a regular basis.
See my point?
Do I want to settle down and have kids? Of course I do!!! But I know exactly how and when this will happen. It will happen when I decide it’s the best time for me, regardless of any woman that gets into my life!!!
Fuck what society expects, fuck if people look down on me or tell me I’m wrong doing this, I DO NOT CARE. It’s my personal happiness who’s at stake here, and it’s more important than anyone else will ever be.
I’ll quit commenting on this thread because I really have nothing else to say.
My last advice would be to quit being a stingy bastard and start to buy good books on the subject (BTW, BD’s Alpha Male 2.0 book is awesome and worth every penny). Read more stuff about being a free independent Alpha Male because it’s an awesome life that’s worth 1000% living.
Best of luck to all.
@ POB
Thanks for being so candid. Great example and it’s basically what I do as well if I feel a woman is trying to come in make demands and change me which is the more typical case with me as well. I also have my shit together, may not be rich, but call my shots, own my home, own my business, lift about 4-5 days at the gym, good shape, look 5 years younger than I am (according to what people say), etc. etc. My problem is the complete opposite however. Although it’s not usually the case at all, so maybe once every 3-4 years, I will start dating someone I am really into and start thinking I want to be with her long term and I show interest in that and even though usually she doesn’t have her finances together or have as much organization to her life, she either can’t handle or doesn’t desire being in a monogamous relationship. Again, this is not usually what I am looking for, just those rare girls that come around once in awhile. So it’s the total opposite to your story. The question is how to keep her, not how to keep her from getting to close. But I know the advice will be you don’t want to keep any of them, just keep them on the rotation. All my point is that in some VERY rare instances you have relationships with let’s say “special” ones for whatever reason (looks, qualities, the way they make you feel, whatever) that you know only come around every 5 years max. Those are the ONLY ones that fuck with my confidence, definitely not the others.
@Steve, I’d say it’s just as simple: keep being happy and living a happy life.
People need to realize that they have zero control about what other people feel, say or do. I can deeply love someone and that same person may not feel the same about me. That happens, it sucks, but it’s life. This is why I do not waste my time thinking about that anymore.
If it ever happens that I love another woman someday (which I strongly believe will eventually occur) I’ll make damn sure to not spend a single second of my day worrying if she’ll ever leave me. If she doesn’t, cool, I will love her dearly and try my best to make us happy without damaging or suppressing my own happiness. If she does, well, I still love my life, have a mission and the sadness will eventually fade once I get back on track (which by the way will not take a lot of time or effort). It’s not that complicated!
Hope I’ve helped to shed a light on the matter.
@ Steve B
I’m in the same boat – the rare one that I could actually imagine never getting tired of just jumped ship when it became clear that I thought of her that way. She has major intimacy issues – a little was fine, but just one tiny bit more was way too much. I’d say that the only hope is to read the signs early that the special one is in fact an early jumper. It’s very likely that she’ll let you know that early on, telling you that her friends all say that she always dumps guys way too soon. This will make her sound picky but, in reality, it is just how she deals with intimacy. Your job – if she is truly that special to you – is to figure out how far is too far, and then stay on the right side of the boundary. Trust me, I know it’s hard to do – but the alternative is the unanticipated dumping, right in the middle of what seems to you like mutual, fulfilling happiness. I found this post (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/difference-between-setting-boundaries-and-shutting-people-out/) that was written by a woman who was not able to handle the closeness of a real relationship, and why that was the case for her. Very interesting reading, and hopefully helpful.
Thanks guys, appreciate the advice. Seriously not a whiny helpless guy, just the opposite. At some point in your life when you get “lucky” enough to be with that one and you put yourself out there and get your head chopped it’s like FUCKKKKK!!! Time is the healer and the advice you guys give going forward.
Hey guys,
could really use some help/advice because my situation contains some elements not discussed in the article or the comments.
What if you live in the same building and can’t have NC because you keep bumping into her AND to top it off
You’re leaving the country in the coming months? So, moving out is not an option…
I hope I’ll get some feeback, if not here’s my story for those interested:
Started dating this lady with Boderline disorder…didn’t know back then. Everything was amazing, especially the very frequent sex.
After a month, she gives me the cold shoulder for a week and then dumps me for silly reasons.
When we were together, I was not acting Alpha, but certainly not needy either. She would be the one to initiate sex (she had one hell of a libido), to beg me to spend the night with her. She would often cry after sex telling how special I was and how good I was treating her and that she felt she didn’t deserve it. She even said “I love you”. She would go on and on about wanting to get married and have kids soon because she’s 38…
I was skeptical about the nice things she would say because of her Borderline Disorder symptoms and my ego being relatively under control (I didn’t feel flattered or special…).
Anyways…
The day she dumped me I tried to keep my cool and accepted her offer to be FWB (again, we live in the same building).
We went out for dinner the same night she dumped me and once back at her place, I tried to escalate to sex (1 week without it after having it 3 times a day for almost a month…).
She rejected me with the classic low libido/cycle thing…so I went back to my place.
I bump into her the next day and go with her for groceries…seeing how indiferent she was to the whole thing, I fell into BETA mode and wanted to talk…
She got angry and said she didn’t want to talk, that we are not getting back together and that the whole FWB was a bad idea…I said OK and just left.
Couple of days later I got drunk and send her several angry messages about her playing me and waisting my time.
Went NC for 3 weeks then sent her a message just asking if she was OK. She replied normally and I guess I went back to NC…
After 2 months of NC, I bump into her and she says “oh you’re still alive?”. I ignored the comment and just acted cool (“Hey what’s up? how have you been…”).
I wonder if I should keep the NC strategy because:
1) I’ll keep bumping into her and be forced to act cool which sucks big time. Moving out is just not an option
2) I’m leaving the country in 6-8 months so I’m now in a “nothing to loose” mentality. She can’t move out of the country and I can’t stay anyways.
3) There’s obviously no serious future for us, but I wonder if there’s anything I can do for us to be FWB for my remaining time here, despite my beta downfall.
And YES, I know that deep down I want more than just sex. I guess my ego wants to prove her that I can bang her, give her all the emotional comfort she once needed, without asking anything in return.
I was thinking of sending her a message to let her know that I’m leaving the country soon and that in the meantime if she ever wants to “hang out” at my place she’s welcome (She’ll know I’m not looking for anything other than being a FWB).
The other option is to keep bumping into her, getting “hurt” and then leave the country with one hell of a failure as a souvenir.
BTW, I’m banging lots of other hot women, hitting the gym and keeping busy but I just can’t get her out of my mind.
Boomerang effect is just unlikely in my case because of the future geographic distance between us.
Any advice is welcome.
@Alex
This is a no-brainer. DO NOT CONTACT THIS CHICK AGAIN. You are already 0-2 contacting her first. Are you a glutton for punishment? And for the record you should never date/bang anyone where you work, live or workout. It always ends badly and you don’t want to change jobs, move or change gyms.
I could ask the obvious question about why on Earth you “…want more than just sex” with a woman you describe as insane but I won’t. Oh wait, I just did. 😉
If there is any chance this chick will boomerang the only way that will happen is if you let her contact you first (which I won’t lie seems unlikely given how you have handled things up to this point). If she does contact you first escalate to sex immediately. If she says no, return to no contact until she contacts you again. Rinse and repeat.
Listen, everyone has done this at least once. Learn from it. Remember it. The fact that it is a bit painful for a few months will hopefully teach you a lesson that hopefully you won’t ever repeat.
And NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be emotionally punishing when things end with a woman. Zero upside. Learn from it and move on. Any efforts you make to try to fix it now will only make it worse
I have one more comment for everyone on this thread……women think they are so fucking sly with their coy, deceiving manipulative ways and that we are easy prey and suckers to comply with whatever motives they have. FUCK THEM!! (and I don’t mean literally) I am damned if I am going to go down into a fucking depression or let it affect my attitude to the point I’m irritable and pissed off with other people I come in contact with and that have no clue why you are in that mood. I know there’s tons of you that are experiencing that kind of crap right now as you stare out the window wondering what you could have done better or what you did wrong. Don’t fucking give in and let them win by getting the best of you. Listen to BD, Dawson and POB and move on with your life and what comes back comes back and what doesn’t doesn’t and fuck her!! Have the mindset of being in a place 6 months from now that is so damn good she will be so fucking jealous of you she won’t be able to stand it. And just say over and over and over (with a smile)….fuck you bitch, you are the one that will be sorry, not me!
Possible tips for you, but I yield to BD, POB and Dawson as I am not sure if they will agree….
If you want to instill possible jealousy in your ex that broke up with you….consider this. If she is still occasionally texting you or calling but just out of supposed sympathy with no indication of wanting to see you, consider telling her that you either rented out another bedroom in your place to a new roommate. Obviously she will inquire to see if it’s a guy or girl and then you can reveal or not, but either way, it will peak her curiosity. Or you can say you have a new girl you’ve been seeing and it might not be best to see her (your ex) right now. I would be curious to see if BD, POB and Dawson think this is a wise strategy to instill a little jealousy in the ex in hopes she would stew on it and contemplate coming back or at least seeing you again. If so, after how long of a NC period and possibly not returning calls or texts?
Btw….I recently tried to do this and found a really cute girl at Wing House (like Hooters) that wanted to move in, perfect to create jealousy in my ex, but then she dropped the “can my boyfriend come over to visit?” I said, sorry, I rented to somebody else, lol
@Steve
While I applaud the creativity I don’t agree. If you are scheming ways to get her back, make her jealous, etc. you have already lost the battle. The opposite of love is NOT hate but ambivalence. Yes there is some possibility that a move like that might work for some very short period of time (and it might not work at all) but in the end it will end the same way.
What you need is a PERMANENT shift in the power dynamic. Imagine you had 4-5 young, fit, attractive, intelligent women that were low drama, sweet, and rock stars in bed. 2 or 3 of these girls were asking you if it would be ok if their even cuter girlfriend could join you two for a threesome from time-to-time. That you biggest problem was having enough nights in the week to fuck them all and still have any time for the gym, friends and family. If that were the case you wouldn’t even have time to think about “what’s her name.”
You cannot fake ambivalence. You need to create ambivalence. It is true that a happy life is the best revenge. But what is ALSO true is that when you are really happy revenge doesn’t even cross your mind because you are too busy being happy. Once you have achieved true ambivalence is when there is the greatest chance she might boomerang (which is NOT the reason to be ambivalent and happy of course) and boomerang on your terms.
Best of luck.
After she calls me and after probing says ok for a meet up,….this may be a dumb question, but are there any conditions (depending on what is asked and how it’s asked) where it’s ok to ask her (in a very subtle way) about why things changed with us from her viewpoint in an effort to see what may have made a difference?
The idea being that since some time has passed by this point, maybe she would be able to see the logic and that I’m listening to her and making an effort.
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but one of my personal standards is that I will never have sex with a woman who is dating or married to a man I already personally know. Too much potential for drama there.
But if I don’t personally know the guy and she wants to have sex with me? It’s game on.”
That’s pretty immoral, dontcha think?
But if pussy is all that matters to you, then go for it.
Just know it’s not very strong of you. It’s actually quite weak. No attacks here. Just the motha fuggin truth.
Please explain to me how having sex with an attractive women who wants to have sex with me is weak. I can’t wait to hear your answer.
Guys…..here is a big one (for me anyway) that I haven’t seen addressed on this thread. I have had success with and, in the past, without NC with this girl who is truly the hottest girl I’ve ever been with (seen her off and on since last October) and who “says” she would consider getting back with me (as she adds…but what’s the rush? lol). Yes she briefly moved in twice, very briefly. Anyway, she calls/texts and we hangout and occasionally have sex. However, I feel it my gut that the only way I can ever increase the likelihood of her permanent return is a longer NC period where I am too busy for her at times and not available to do things so that she knows she might lose me. She has recently come to find, and I’m sure suspected all along, that I have other girls contacting me (as she saw a couple texts and calls coming in) but still believes I don’t act on any of them and I mainly haven’t in the past 6 months.
That’s where my question comes in. When we do get together and do something like going to the beach for a fun festival type event going on. How the hell does a guy resist asking the hottest (seriously) girl you know and who you know is cool with you for a continuation of plans that day or another day? For instance, “hey, I bought tickets to the comedy show for us next Wednesday that you wanted to go to”? Or “do you want to go to dinner or out drinking when we’re done here?”
Is that an absolute stupid thing to do and is it making myself “too available” too often or is it game on as long as she’s having fun? Because one of the hardest things for me…..is purposely NOT allowing myself to be available if she is the one who initiates contacting me. Because I know she will hangout with me occasionally to do things, but my goal is her moving back in. Btw…when we do get together, it doesn’t lead to sex every time, only about 1/4 or 1/3 of the time and all of these things we do, dinners, places we go, etc. seriously adds up, but if it is just going to keep me in more of an occasional FWB thing and not a possible re-relationship than I need to change things quickly or she’ll think I’ll always be there as a future back-up. It’s wearing on my hopes, mental fortitude and patience all while I deal with absolutely knowing I need to keep cultivating other chances with other females to keep the confidence from dropping.
I have a new twist to the thread that may apply to others. What if you discover that you thought you were going out with the girl, but in actuality you were just being played into thinking your were exclusive with her the whole time? When she ends it, does it even qualify for the guy to be on this thread as someone who she “broke up” with?
This girl it turns out has been seeing multiple guys since last August and covering her tracks better than Ted Bundy. I know each of them think they are the only guy. She gets financial, physical and emotional favors from each of them and tells them all to be patient she wants to be with them long term, but to not “rush” things. I want to be with you after I finish school in a year and a half and have kids with you. Each time you try to say to her “actions speak louder than words” and “I don’t believe you really care about me because why wouldn’t you spend more time with me if I mean that much to you?” She then comes back with “Well that’s not true, but if you feel that way, oh well I guess you don’t want to be with me despite me always telling you that I want to be with you”. In other words she just turns it around on you for being the one with disgruntled feelings.
Is it really worth her toying with your feeling and your mind to just have occasional once every three weeks sex? BD, Dawson and POB….I have a feeling that more than one of us needs advice on this. The sooner the better because I am about to say adios for good and call her bluff once and for all with complete long term NC and she’ll eventually she’ll realize she lost someone who really loved her.
Well the same BS for me…I posted about this chick in March/April…we broke up, then we kinda got back together, but I hadn’t moved back in. Then we went on holiday, and she started her shit again. Name calling, accusations, drama, the lot.
Then I find out that during our first breakup, she had been hot for this guy with an Aston convertible. She was spotted in his car back in April. When we were on holiday, I asked her if she knew someone with a car like that. She said no. I blew it off. Then after we get back I get pulled to the side in the pub by a friend of mine that told me about this guy. He said that she was really wanting to date this guy but he backed off or whatever. But now he was back in the picture.
So, after a bunch of avoidance, I drove by her house, and the guy’s car was in front of her house. I didn’t knock on the door, I just went back to my place and texted her. She was busted. The next day she tried to turn it around on me, and say that she was humiliated when I texted, and all the usual drama.
Was I upset? Yes Hurt? Yes, badly. I caught her in a lie. I don’t think they are having sex, but who cares now.
She says she needs space and time to figure out herself. All BS.
But, the sad part is that if she owned up to it, she’d be better off.
So here we are again, not speaking and she may not realize that I’m not chasing her anymore. I have had enough of being told I’m not good enough, not enough money, I’m unhappy, etc. But she said she doesn’t want me to disappear. It is just tough to let her go and the kids, who I adore, and they love me. She’s just gonna have to live with this, and find out that I am a great guy the hard way. She’s very stubborn and selfish, so she may never.
She will be back as soon as this rich guy gets bored. Then she can beg me like I did her for 3 years.
Dave
@ SteveB
Are you not reading any of the comments? All this wasted energy over a chick just because she has nice pieces and parts. Seriously? Your issue is oneitis and what I can guarantee you is that the more you pine over this chick the less likely she is going to come back to you in any shape or form. And from what you have described I am guessing you are her 3rd string at best.
Have some self respect and let this chick go. If she contacts you escalate immediately to sex. If she doesn’t go for it let it go. Rinse and repeat.
Shit, you barely have any control over your own thoughts and actions…trying to influence control over hers is a waste of time and energy and won’t work anyway.
@Dave
Not to put too fine a point on it but do you realize what a needy bitch you sound like? Sorry to say this but if I was her I wouldn’t be interested in you either.
Why do you care? It is just your ego fucking with you. Find someone who WANTS to be with you…is DYING to be with you. Chasing a woman that isn’t into you is perhaps one of the dumbest things a man can do (and we do lots of really dumb things). Even if you got what you wanted it would be an awful outcome. She would hold all the power and you would be her bitch. Have lots of options…better options and then maybe just maybe you can get to a place where you have the power back. But if you get there you will see you didn’t really want her in the first place.
Point taken thanks, just baffles me that a chick can look you in the face and say repeatedly “I’ve told you how I feel about you and that I want to see you, but I wish I had more time for us between work and everything else……what do you want me to do?” It’s like she knows exactly how to keep your heart in the game. As if words and no action is actually going to keep a guy on the hook forever. Why would she even waste her time when she can cultivate new exciting romances? I just don’t get how they (women like this) think they are coming out ahead, but whatever. No response needed, thanks Dawson.
Seems like a stupid question, but timing is everything so let me ask you Dawson and BD…..when you say “if she contacts you escalate immediately to sex”…..is it stupid or wise to right up front before you meet ask on the phone if we can have sex or do you wait until you meet up and she’s back at your house to persuade her to sex? Also, since getting her to the house is not a problem, if she says she doesn’t “feel” like having sex or is “on her period”….should I complain right there about her not putting out again or just let it roll off my shoulders and then when she calls again, treat it differently by saying I can meet up, but only IF we’re having sex? Which is your advised method for all of us on here so we aren’t wasting our time on the wrong approach?
@Steve
You do it via text. Do NOT do it in person. She doesn’t come over unless she knows in advance it is to have sex with you. This is an extreme example but I recently had one chick that was giving me a bit of an attitude and I had kicked out of rotation beg her way back in. My condition for letting her back in was she had to come over to my apartment and was not allowed to speak a word. She had to come in, take her clothes off, have sex and leave and was not allowed to speak a word. I call this the “Helen Keller.”
The other thing I would do is DOUBLE BOOK. If she is coming over at 8pm have another chick booked for 10pm. If she comes over at 8 and all goes well cancel your 10. If not, tell her nicely that she has to leave and then keep your 10. I would also suggest escalating her even further via text after you have your hookup session scheduled. This way you remain as outcome independent as possible.
“I hope you are going to it make up to me for your shitty attitude with that body of yours tonight.”
“What are you going to be wearing for me tonight? Not that you will be wearing it long.”
Don’t worry about scaring her off. That’s the goal. You don’t want her coming over unless she 100% wants to and 100% wants to have sex with you. If she is wishy washy about it you don’t want her. She had better REALLY want to come over and fuck you or else she doesn’t get to. Simple as that.
The chick I Helen Keller-ed the other night is 1/3 my age (yes you read that right) and very attractive. But I set up the power dynamic in my favor and as a result I tolerate zero bullshit, game playing and drama.
But let me be specific about how I would do it when hearing from an ex by using an example from a few weeks ago. I hooked up with this girl about a year ago. She’s 21 and very attractive. Here is the exact transcript:
HER: “Dawson, it’s Ashley. I’m upset we left off on a bad note. Now you don’t even bother texting me back anymore. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. :(”
ME: “We didn’t leave off on a bad note. I was never upset with u”
HER: “I thought you were. I was hesitant to reach out to you because I thought you’d reject me.”
HER: “I’ve matured a great deal since last year. I think we should give it another try. Let’s meet for lunch/drinks around noon?”
ME: “I get to the city a couple of days a week. But if we are going to re-connect I want it to start in my bedroom. I want to make sure you can do as you are told.”
HER: “I will have to be your girlfriend for those special privileges and I already gave you an idea of how awesome it could be.”
ME: “lol. That’s not how this works. I totally understand if that doesn’t work for u.”
Two day delay in her responding…I honestly had forgotten about our exchange until I saw the response below.
HER: “OK. What’s your new address and what time would you like me there?”
Then I double booked her. She was 6pm and I scheduled a 9pm as a backup and I was 100% outcome independent.
Thanks Dawson. I know it’s sounds and looks bad. And, of course, EVERYONE that knows her, and some who don’t that I have spoken about this, tells me to never speak to her again. I just need to let her go. I am trying. It is hard. She knows how I feel. And she has the advantage. It’s been nearly 4 years of trying to prove myself to her.
But, I am getting in great shape. I have lost 40 pounds, I’m in the gym 4-5 days a week. I guess I need to get on tinder and POF and start hitting it with some hot chicks now. It may be the only way I get past this woman.
It’s funny how ego and emotions can really plague your thoughts and self control. We have tickets to Fleetwood Mac in a week, and I paid a fortune for them. Waste of money now…
@Dave…….put those tix online asap (craigslist, amazon, etc.) unless you can get another girl that is worth it to you to go with of course. I’ve had to do it also ironically to only be back on again with the same girl days after the show is over. Cost of doing “business” in a world where chicks have all the advantages.
@Dawson……got it thanks. Granted I think you will tell me it is more tricky with girl that you have been seeing and allowing to see you and hang out even at the house without demanding sex. Changing that requirement I would think is much harder than with a girl that doesn’t already have history of no specific demands. By the way, not sure it is matters, but this girl is 25 years old and smoking hot and is a model. Incredible all natural 34DD Playmate level body. She has is cool with sex, but like once every two weeks, not near as often as I want or need.
@Steve
People accept what you give them. If you tolerate certain behavior, that is what they get used to. You may not be able to “re-train” this one but so what. Move on and find another chick that looks like that. I promise there are TONS of them out there. If you treat a woman like she is one-in-a-million she is going to expect to be treated that way. I am not saying treat them badly but don’t treat them like they are higher value than you are or you are screwed.
Next time you have sex with this one, make a video and then any time you want to relive the experience play it back. 🙂
@ Dawson….I love the double booking strategy, but if they are both coming to your house I’m sure it can be risky if one would happen to come early or stick around after and watch your door. Anyway, I have something else I absolutely have to ask about and something I haven’t seen talked about on here yet. What is your feeling and BD’s feeling on when you are out with your girl and she is constantly on here cell texting every 4-5 minutes. I bite my tongue every time because I don’t want to go Beta on here, but all I can think is are all these texts and her smirking expressions really only in response to her girlfriends? How do you guys not give a shit about that? As long as you are getting sex from her it doesn’t matter to you?
@Steve
That never happens to me. A chick that is on her phone the whole time isn’t that into you. And I don’t go out with chicks that aren’t really into me. Most of the women if they have to do something on their phone usually apologize before they pick up their phone and say, “I am sorry but I am waiting for a message about my work schedule” or some such. To be fair, I too am not on my phone.
There are four key variables in my opinion and you have to optimize them for yourself:
– How hot the girl is
– How much drama the girl is
– How expensive the girl is
– How much fun (both in and out of bed) the girl is
While it might seem nice you can never have all four. You can never get (and keep) a chick that is a near perfect 10, zero drama, zero/low cost and super fun and sexual. But regardless you should never waste time with a girl that isn’t that into you. If she is on the phone that much I would hook up with her once and move on or move her to pure FB status because I doubt she will be texting when you are fucking. My guess is moving her to FB will be difficult or impossible because she wasn’t that into you in the first place.
Thanks for making my day! lol Despite that she says she wants a future with me (but not to rush it) and that she wants to consider having a kid with me (she says she’s nearing that time where she really wants one) it sounds like her actions don’t match up with her words. I love investing my heart and soul in something when it ends up not being appreciated.
@Dawson….Here was the text dialogue this morning on her way to work.
Her: Good morning
Me: Good morning, you must have had a good weekend
Her: Yes I did
Me: Good, I thought I might hear from you yesterday. Do you want to meet up?
Her: Yes
Me: When?
Her: When I get out of class this evening
Me: And I want to see you in bed when we do
Her: We’ll see how I’m feeling
Me: Ok, but it’s been awhile so
Her: Sorry, I’m not a morning person
Me: Ya I know, just be ready when we meet later because I want you
I’ll let you know how it goes. It will be too late to double book and I am working on other prospects and almost there, but not to that point yet because I foolishly have been putting 90% of all my eggs in one basket the last 6 months. During that time only had sex on two occasions with two other girls. Never again!
@Steve
A few missteps highlighted below:
Her: Good morning
Me: Good morning, you must have had a good weekend
Dawson: Respond “gm” Why would you assume she had a good weekend and even if you did assume that why would you say so? Zero upside.
Her: Yes I did
Dawson: She rubs it in a little.
Me: Good, I thought I might hear from you yesterday. Do you want to meet up?
Dawson: Even if you did think you might hear from her yesterday why would you say so? Again, zero upside and makes you look needy and like you were waiting around for her to grace you with a text or phone call.
Her: Yes
Me: When?
Dawson: I might instead say something like “Let me know a couple of times/days that might work for you.” Your time is more valuable so she gives times first.
Her: When I get out of class this evening
Me: And I want to see you in bed when we do
Dawson: This would be OK if the power dynamic was setup correctly (which is most certainly isn’t) but because it isn’t you get the expected result.
Her: We’ll see how I’m feeling
Dawson: That’s French for “I have all the power and I will let you beg and plead a bit more before I even consider it.”
Me: Ok, but it’s been awhile so
Dawson: So what do you do…on cue you proceed to beg a little.
Her: Sorry, I’m not a morning person
Dawson: French for she isn’t a morning person for you.
Me: Ya I know, just be ready when we meet later because I want you
Dawson: Again this won’t work because you have the dynamic setup all wrong.
I wish you luck my friend but I’d bet $20…no make that $100 she either A) cancels or B) you see her and don’t get any.
I have been getting texts from her during the day about other unrelated things like her past car insurance company, etc so I am sure I will see her later, but you’re right whether she puts out is certainly not for sure. Remaining positibe. Point taken on the text dialogue. I need to stop the insinuational hints you referred to in the beginning thinking it will actually make her feel any sort of guilt. When she gets to the house tonight I am guessing that you will advise to establish sex before going to dinner to avoid her feeling rushed for time later if dinner runs late. If she squabbles, I am going to point out that just Friday she wants to keep seeing me and ok’d sex 100% going forward and that she has always been able to count on me for everything I do for her and I need the same from her if this is going work.
No. No and No. I would cancel the date for tonight. Your power dynamic for this evening is totally blown. Dinner? Are you insane? Why would you take her to dinner if you don’t know you are getting laid? Tell her something at work came up (or whatever) and you will have to reschedule. Quit making yourself so available.
Pointing out what she said before cannot help you. You need to say less and act more.
Next time you plan to have her over pour some wine and within a few minutes escalate to sex. Do not plan in advance that it will be dinner or anything else. Just a drink back at your place. If she is DTF she will be fine with that. Maybe do dinner after sex (so you can rest for round 2 after dinner) and only if you are hungry. Just my $0.02 worth.
@Steve
So what happened? Inquiring minds want to know.
Guys,
Ok, so my ex is now wanting to go to this concert on Friday we planned. How should I play this? I do not trust her, and I think she may seeing another guy as well.
But, I agreed that we would go, and she asked me about it. I didn’t even bring it up. We always love going to concerts. But, I just don’t know what should happen, or what I should say to her.
I’m sure she will say something about our relationship. I haven’t called, or texted her. She always initiates all communication, as I refuse to chase her. She can be quite calculating as well. But, I am not going to be a plan B, beta any longer with her. This is how it started in April the last time we hooked back up. She went out with me one night, and we were on our way to getting back together. Then she flipped out, and was a total bitch to me 4 weeks ago. I’m not interested in anymore drama from her. And, yes, I am using the definition as described by BD.
I am actually meeting up with a really hot chick tonight, that has some 6 week old huge breast implants. So, it seems like a win-win for the near term.
I appreciate your input. Cheers.
David
@David
It would seem to me that you have answered your own question. You have something of high value (tickets to a concert you want to go to) and you must decide on whom you will spend that high value asset.
Option A:
Spend it on chick you have already slept with, that you don’t trust, that you know to be manipulative, that probably isn’t that into you and gives you drama and aggravation.
Option B:
Spent it on chick you haven’t slept with that is super excited to see you, really wants to spend time with you and genuinely would appreciate going to a concert with you.
Duh.
@Dawson….sure enough she cancelled that night because she said she had to find what she needed for the next morning for the school (copy of birth certificate, tax papers, etc). I would like to believe that could have been done a little earlier or within a short time, but it is true that she had to get her financial aid set up for her two year physical therapy degree which classes start Monday. Anywayyyy…..she came over the next night and stayed the night and had sex. Fast forward to tonight, we were supposed to go to the beach around 12 but she said she had to go to the school to finish submitting everything they require so she could start classes Monday. Well, she called me around 10:30am and we talked about a couple things and then she said she’d let me know when she gets done with the final paperwork at the school. I know she wasn’t there but maybe an hour or two so I texted her around 2pm to see if I shoudl expect her soon and she texted back “Can’t come right now, I’m busy”…..then she finally came over at 6pm (keep in mind she works 7am – 3pm tomorrow and the next day). We proceeded to go to a local hangout, had drinks, something to eat, she was very tipsy when we got back to the house at 9:30pm and within a few minutes, she said she had to get back home that she had something planned with her cousin (who she shares an apartment with). I was like seriously?? I tried to say I don’t want you driving an that she should let it wear off a bit before driving back, but she wouldn’t have it. She said she has plans tomorrow night (Sat.) but that she would spend the night Sunday night and we could go to the beach or on the boat Monday before her class starts from 6-10pm on Monday.
Her birthday is July 5th and I asked 3 months ago to spend that weekend with her, but oh no, her cousin (if you wanna believe it) already booked reservations for her birthday weekend. However, she keeps saying she wants to get married when her 2 year degree is done, lol. This girl is on the go constantly and absolutely gorgeous. Even another girl hit on her tonight! Anyway, I have come to the realization that I need to fuck so many other girls to try and get this girl out of my head because there is no way I’m not sharing her, no way. I need to decide whether or not I want to continue even fucking her knowing all this because when I’m not with her it fucks with my head big time. I am a VERY picky guy when it comes to looks and she seriously is one of the most beautiful girls and incredible body (wish I could post a couple pics so you believe me) and I tell myself what do you expect and that I should be “lucky” just to have her once, twice a week. And I know you’re gonna say dude snap out of the damn oneitis, but until you are charmed by this one, don’t doubt for a minute that she wouldn’t reel you at some level if you were in my shoes and I’m totally serious even you. No matter what you do or how hard you try to make a relationship with this girl (at this point anyway), she is just going to eat up the attention from anybody she feels is worthy of her affection. Meanwhile, and it’s hard for me to admit this because I don’t want to accept it, but she texts and keeps you feeling like you are so special to her and uses her busy work and class schedule to cover her tracks. Honestly, I can hardly believe she doesn’t breakout with a laugh as she tries to justify everything and her crazy schedule and why she’s running here and there at all hours. She literally can not be sleeping except between 1:30am and 6am most days.
So here’s the question…..with all of what comes with this one, would you accept just seeing her once, maybe twice a week if lucky if you know that this is the game I’m going to have to deal with and try to see if she settles down her ways in time and truly give the time needed to see if she would want to have a relationship (because I know for a fact that she wants kids in the next couple years if not sooner from overhearing her with her girlfriends on the phone who each have a young child themselves) or would you turn it loose and move on to a girl (which there are others I can develop) that wants a one on one monogamous relationship or maybe instead of that the just sticking with the freedom of seeing multiple girls but no longer seeing the one we’ve been discussing?? That’s the question because despite the jokes about the oneitis thinking, I know I won’t find the same looks as this one especially since she’s 20 years younger than me. And yes I realize that even if it was possible to have a relationship with this one, it would come with having to deal with guys constantly hitting on her when I’m not around and is that worth it as well. So what would Dawson do? lol Give it up all together or deal with it as a side piece with either no future intentions or possible future intentions??
Btw…..because of her work schedule and school it’s always been almost impossible to dictate to her when to get together on my terms because it would conflict with her schedule and not work out. So I usually let her text me instead of the other way around. From the comments on here in this thread from you and BD it sounds like that’s better than being the one that texts her. Let them come to you
Can you love someone to bits but have sex with others on the side? I know i love someone for sure but still want to have some change to have sex hot chicks. Its Very usefull site
QUESTION?
BD and everyone to reply
I may have a strange story and I am bit stuck what to do now.
I am married with 4 children but I also have a girlfriend since 2.5 years but now we are in breakup situation with my GF.
When we met first, she had a BF and i told her about my family situation n told her that i will never leave my wife n children for no one. We were very attracted to each other and I asked her if she can leave her NF so she did after couple weeks and we shared a flat and moved in. Before we move in, I told my wife abt it and told her either she accept or leave me but i knew she will not leave so unhappily she accepted.
i wanted to live true life n i dont like lies too.
I m muslim & my wife is stricter muslim n she said the main problem she has is that she should become muslim so her soul will accept it. I asked my GF and she became muslim too for me and our love. She gave up drinking and me too for over a year & she fasted full Ramadhan and learned to pray but just for me without me knowing as I thought she wanted to. I didnt push her n when realised so told her that she dont have to if she dont want to.
She had some financial difficulties for paying rent etc so I was paying mostly and she was paying for food etc at home but I know she was not with me for money as her EX was doing same but she still chosen me with my situation so it was love full of feelings.
Sometimes she was helping my children and coming my home but she was not happy to see my wife n my wife too.
I was staying/sleeping half week here n there.
I also introduced her to my family n sister etc.
Her family was not happy about it as she also told them and her friends knowing about my family and introduced me but her father refused to see me when I went to her country Czech republic. Her friends and rest of her family was behaving nice to me.
She couldnt speak proper english n didnt have proper job but i helped her with everything i could as i believed we will be together for ever and she felt same in start.
Everything was going ok for 2 years but feelings started to change the more freedom i was giving her the more it was going bad and she started to complain for small problems and she became colder day by day and me too when I was not having warm reaction from her. Meanwhile we planned 3 weeks break down to see our feelings. She couldnt last more than 2 weeks but asked me to see her.
After that we stayed together for further few months sharing rent etc and planned to move to smaller flat near her work. This time we had some non attracted situations and felt more happy staying at my home instead of her but still missed her occasionaly but when i was seeing her i was pretending attracted n i was making first move but she bacame colder as i went on holliday and returned the 2nd day of moving to small flat as told her in advance to pack n move small stuff n i will move heavy items when i return.
She felt bad as i am not with her in such situations but i left her my car too as flights were very expensive in other dates.
This new flat was affordable for her and she had good job too.
I was away for two weeks n when i returned she did not kiss me juicy one n she was still angry. After couple days we slept n i knew she want to kiss me n have sex after we had drink n talked but we slept together but i didnt kiss n didnt make sex.
things got colder n after 10 days we argued about feelings n i left n told her to call me when she miss me or feel same for me.
she texted me that we better finish as no same feelings left n no future due to my family as one day she will want to have kid n she cant like this.
she knew ip wipll not give her kid for 5 yearys untill i m sure we will never break up and see do we have future or not.
Its 2 weeks i did not reply her at all but she asked to see me but i ignored her sms twice.
I dont know why she want to see me and I know that i still love her and want to see her but want she beg me or i understand that she has real feelings. If not so i will find someone which i can to live with me all life with my situation as one woman is not enough for me.
QUESTIONS?
1. Was she with me because she loved me or because i was supporting her as now she can afford things her self?
2. Will she come back to me?
3. Does she still love me but feelings got frozen temporary due to anger?
4. Is my situation normal and happened to others that two partners agreed wife n GF to be with one guy?
I will appreciate your coments
QUESTION n STORY OF WIFE & GF?
They both Knew from start n accepted.
BD and everyone to reply
I may have a strange story and I am bit stuck what to do now.
I am married with 4 children but I also have a girlfriend since 2.5 years but now we are in breakup situation with my GF.
When we met first, she had a BF and i told her about my family situation n told her that i will never leave my wife n children for no one. We were very attracted to each other and I asked her if she can leave her NF so she did after couple weeks and we shared a flat and moved in. Before we move in, I told my wife abt it and told her either she accept or leave me but i knew she will not leave so unhappily she accepted.
i wanted to live true life n i dont like lies too.
I m muslim & my wife is stricter muslim n she said the main problem she has is that she should become muslim so her soul will accept it. I asked my GF and she became muslim too for me and our love. She gave up drinking and me too for over a year & she fasted full Ramadhan and learned to pray but just for me without me knowing as I thought she wanted to. I didnt push her n when realised so told her that she dont have to if she dont want to.
She had some financial difficulties for paying rent etc so I was paying mostly and she was paying for food etc at home but I know she was not with me for money as her EX was doing same but she still chosen me with my situation so it was love full of feelings.
Sometimes she was helping my children and coming my home but she was not happy to see my wife n my wife too.
I was staying/sleeping half week here n there.
I also introduced her to my family n sister etc.
Her family was not happy about it as she also told them and her friends knowing about my family and introduced me but her father refused to see me when I went to her country Czech republic. Her friends and rest of her family was behaving nice to me.
She couldnt speak proper english n didnt have proper job but i helped her with everything i could as i believed we will be together for ever and she felt same in start.
Everything was going ok for 2 years but feelings started to change the more freedom i was giving her the more it was going bad and she started to complain for small problems and she became colder day by day and me too when I was not having warm reaction from her. Meanwhile we planned 3 weeks break down to see our feelings. She couldnt last more than 2 weeks but asked me to see her.
After that we stayed together for further few months sharing rent etc and planned to move to smaller flat near her work. This time we had some non attracted situations and felt more happy staying at my home instead of her but still missed her occasionaly but when i was seeing her i was pretending attracted n i was making first move but she bacame colder as i went on holliday and returned the 2nd day of moving to small flat as told her in advance to pack n move small stuff n i will move heavy items when i return.
She felt bad as i am not with her in such situations but i left her my car too as flights were very expensive in other dates.
This new flat was affordable for her and she had good job too.
I was away for two weeks n when i returned she did not kiss me juicy one n she was still angry. After couple days we slept n i knew she want to kiss me n have sex after we had drink n talked but we slept together but i didnt kiss n didnt make sex.
things got colder n after 10 days we argued about feelings n i left n told her to call me when she miss me or feel same for me.
she texted me that we better finish as no same feelings left n no future due to my family as one day she will want to have kid n she cant like this.
she knew ip wipll not give her kid for 5 yearys untill i m sure we will never break up and see do we have future or not.
Its 2 weeks i did not reply her at all but she asked to see me but i ignored her sms twice.
I dont know why she want to see me and I know that i still love her and want to see her but want she beg me or i understand that she has real feelings. If not so i will find someone which i can to live with me all life with my situation as one woman is not enough for me.
QUESTIONS?
1. Was she with me because she loved me or because i was supporting her as now she can afford things her self?
2. Will she come back to me?
3. Does she still love me but feelings got frozen temporary due to anger?
4. Is my situation normal and happened to others that two partners agreed wife n GF to be with one guy?
5. Shall i lose her or not?
6. Will we have future like this or not?
MY GF is 7 out of 10 beautiful for others n 8/10 for me. Everyone is amazed when they see her. She is one of the pretty girls.
I will appreciate your coments
QUESTION n STORY OF WIFE & GF?
They both Knew from start n accepted.
BD and everyone to reply
I may have a strange story and I am bit stuck what to do now.
I am married with 4 children but I also have a girlfriend since 2.5 years but now we are in breakup situation with my GF.
When we met first, she had a BF and i told her about my family situation n told her that i will never leave my wife n children for no one. We were very attracted to each other and I asked her if she can leave her BoyFriend so she did after couple weeks and we shared a flat and moved in. Before we move in, I told my wife abt it and told her either she accept or leave me but i knew she will not leave so unhappily she accepted.
i wanted to live true life n i dont like lies too.
I m muslim & my wife is stricter muslim n she said the main problem she has is that she should become muslim so her soul will accept it. I asked my GF and she became muslim too for me and our love. She gave up drinking and me too for over a year & she fasted full Ramadhan and learned to pray but just for me without me knowing as I thought she wanted to. I didnt push her n when realised so told her that she dont have to if she dont want to.
She had some financial difficulties for paying rent etc so I was paying mostly and she was paying for food etc at home but I know she was not with me for money as her EX was doing same but she still chosen me with my situation so it was love full of feelings.
Sometimes she was helping my children and coming my home but she was not happy to see my wife n my wife too.
I was staying/sleeping half week here n there.
I also introduced her to my family n sister etc.
Her family was not happy about it as she also told them and her friends knowing about my family and introduced me but her father refused to see me when I went to her country Czech republic. Her friends and rest of her family was behaving nice to me.
She couldnt speak proper english n didnt have proper job but i helped her with everything i could as i believed we will be together for ever and she felt same in start.
Everything was going ok for 2 years but feelings started to change the more freedom i was giving her the more it was going bad and she started to complain for small problems and she became colder day by day and me too when I was not having warm reaction from her. Meanwhile we planned 3 weeks break down to see our feelings. She couldnt last more than 2 weeks but asked me to see her.
After that we stayed together for further few months sharing rent etc and planned to move to smaller flat near her work. This time we had some non attracted situations and felt more happy staying at my home instead of her but still missed her occasionaly but when i was seeing her i was pretending attracted n i was making first move but she bacame colder as i went on holliday and returned the 2nd day of moving to small flat as told her in advance to pack n move small stuff n i will move heavy items when i return.
She felt bad as i am not with her in such situations but i left her my car too as flights were very expensive in other dates.
This new flat was affordable for her and she had good job too.
I was away for two weeks n when i returned she did not kiss me juicy one n she was still angry. After couple days we slept n i knew she want to kiss me n have sex after we had drink n talked but we slept together but i didnt kiss n didnt make sex.
things got colder n after 10 days we argued about feelings n i left n told her to call me when she miss me or feel same for me.
she texted me that we better finish as no same feelings left n no future due to my family as one day she will want to have kid n she cant like this.
she knew ip wipll not give her kid for 5 yearys untill i m sure we will never break up and see do we have future or not.
Its 2 weeks i did not reply her at all but she asked to see me but i ignored her sms twice.
I dont know why she want to see me and I know that i still love her and want to see her but want she beg me or i understand that she has real feelings. If not so i will find someone which i can to live with me all life with my situation as one woman is not enough for me.
QUESTIONS?
1. Was she with me because she loved me or because i was supporting her as now she can afford things her self?
2. Will she come back to me?
3. Does she still love me but feelings got frozen temporary due to anger?
4. Is my situation normal and happened to others that two partners agreed wife n GF to be with one guy?
5. Shall i lose her or not?
6. Will we have future like this or not?
MY GF is 7 out of 10 beautiful for others n 8/10 for me. Everyone is amazed when they see her. She is one of the pretty girls.
I will appreciate your coments
Sorry,
I edited few times but its posted few times so kindly read the last one
Hey BD, thanks for an awesome blog.
I have an question to this post, how do you act if you happen to run into the girl a bit more often?
I followed ur advice and I got a girl back (my ex) and we started seeing eachother again but then some months after I became beta and she ditched my ass. I started seeing her in the clubs and being a beta I kept chasing her and her attraction dropped and then I started ignoring her but she now shes seeing another guy..
She contacts me to get some old stuff, I act robotic like instructed and exchange small conversations and thats it, no chasing or trying to convince her anything or mention the new guy. Im 100% sure the things you write works as ive tried it myself but my question is:
I live in a smaller city, I am gonna run into her more often how would you act around her? Would you even say hi or just ignore completely, or say hi and keep a small convo then leave?
Obviously im never gonna text, call etc, She came over today and picked up some stuff and asked how im doing and I just said im doing ok and that I gotta go (saturday) and told her we speak later (not gonna contact her ever again at this point).
But yeah, I understand the concept of ignoring/not contacting in the online/phone world but how would you act in an actual meetup (nightclub, foodstore, gym etc)?
Anyone else also more than welcome to reply and yet again thanks for an awesome blog and im gonna buy ur book, you helped me alot ;).
Best regards.
Hi
Great advice, wish i had read this earlier… So i did the opposite and pestered her after the break up, she then blocked me on FB… I’m currently 6 weeks into no contact. Is there still a chance if i leave it long enough? I did recently see her on Tinder but quickly swiped left…
Thanks
Alright..so what do you suggest in this scenario
Short version: ltr 3+ years, broke up a month ago, did nc, jealousy, social proof etc., got back together on my terms (or so i thought), 3 weeks later same shit happened (her shit tests, her jealousy, my jealousy, a few of my beta fails, broke up again “we’ll talk again after some time passes”, she started seeing a guy 2 days later, didn’t tell me about it, met up with her barely (“i’m busy blabla” typical excuses), during the meetup it took me 45 secs to tell her what i wanted to say (no neediness, indifferent “oh well, ” attitude), nc 5 days she messages me “hey”.
TBH if she didn’t already “branch swung” and started already posting on her instagram photos with this new guy (even if she told me she loves me blabla(no, I don’t give a shit)) I would be more open to the idea of patching things up, but in this case I want her new fling or whatever to fail miserably and yes I want to keep her at arms length and punish her for that behaviour..so still NC or respond indifferently.. (No i dont want to meet up with her yet, we both need time and the fact that she let someone else kiss her or even fuck her after all this time is not making her any more attractive to me)
She contacted me after a few months by text and said somewhere she went today reminded her of me. I responded by asking how she was and she said she is happy and well. She asked how I was. Would you respond or ignore?
BD, you said that “It’s virtually guaranteed assuming A) you do it correctly, B) you’re in no rush, and C) you weren’t a oneitisy pussy or extreme asshole while you were dating her the first time around.”
My question is, since a lot of guys (if not most) that get dumped by the women in their lives are probably not outcome independent, or are either in a state of oneitis or neediness; will “completely vanishing out of her life and ignoring her for many months” still work most of the time for “recovering betas/ AFC’s and alpha 1.0’s (even if it’s not at the high 94%-100% range)?
I feel absolutely sorry for you that you feel the need to view relationships between women and men as competition. I don’t think you’re a bad person but definitely one coming from a lot of hurt. I am sorry whoever hurt you.
I do hope there is someone that will be able to show you a wonderful relationship where you can be yourself. Or perhaps, encourage you to REALLY take your time to seeing if that relationship was actually right for you.
I wanted to be offended but I also understood for someone to show this much miscommunication there are underlying issues. The good news is I’m glad I stumbled on this blog. I’m glad if someone were to show such discerning behavior, I would wish that person well and I hope that person would be able to understand all sides of the story before making such extreme behavior.
Just a reminder: I’m not responding to any more “What do I do in this case?” comments here. If you want to know why, scroll up to my last comment above where I explain it.
I will respond to other comments though.
The short answer is yes.
The longer answer is, even if you were utterly beta / AFC / monogamous / pussy in your relationship, your odd of getting her back are still higher (or at least “less bad”) by doing this than by maintaining platonic attention with her.
You’re pissed off because as a woman, you know that what I’m recommending WORKS.
If you have anything of actual substance to say, just let me know.
It’s not working because you only have 15 followers on your Twitter. If it was really working, I would see you on TIME magazine. Reality, you know it. You are not that popular. Again, I’m not here to hate on you and I think you’re perfectly a good person. Do I think you’ve made wrong choices? YES!!! So has everyone else!! The wrong choice you made was you didn’t listen to yourself when dealing with a very dramatic girl going through a shitty time in her life. You weren’t able to accept the time you had with her was shitty, but looked at her as a shitty person and now that has made you look at all women including myself. GREAT! Let the mental abuse begin.
Blackdragon, do you realize all these guys that are coming to you for problems was probably because you probably contributed to them? The formula is pretty easy. Girl hurts you, you get hurt and hurt other girls, THOSE girls hurts these guys. This cycle never ends. NEVER just guys, “some people” get so stuck on the smallest details of the break-up when the reality is you both were in different phases in your life. Humans are flawed, humans make mistakes. A relationship between flawed humans make a relationship toxic. I can go on saying this guy has done me wrong, throw in the towel HATE MEN and make a ‘hate blogs’ like you. Reality, rejection happens BUT rejection makes you a better lover. You shelter yourself with this hate, you end up having harder time in life because as you get older, dating becomes trickier.
You can say whatever you feel, I’m pissed, I’m this girl. Go ahead, NOT YOU, but your symptoms, do your mental abuse on me. I’m already aware of people like you. Black Dragon, you can’t piss me off. I just know you’re going through a tough time. I know you’re not gonna change right now, but eventually who knows. You might find that one girl who sees you for all your mistakes and you like her for all of hers. Quite frankly, I’ve seen people like you turn around. The GAME OF THRONE’S director of photographer was just like you. One thing he realized was humility. He was hurt but he understood he was creating a crappy ground for other people to get hurt.
I just wish that girl that did hurt you was mature enough and aware to see why she shouldn’t have been having a relationship with anyone at the time of your break-up. I think your story and blog would’ve panned out much differently because you seem like a person that can love. You’re just going through a rough patch. 😀 I hope that was actual substance for you. I can never hate you, I certainly know how you feel. At the same time, what you’re doing isn’t helping anyone. And if it’s helping anyone, it’s a quick band aid to fill your self esteem, but in the long run underlying issues could be rejection, fear of being alone. Anyways, that’s for you figure out. You’re smart, I’m confident you will find a girl you will love. Sometimes I just hate it when girls have self esteem issues and they take it out on guys like you. Like Karma, those girls get their fare share too. I had to work with them. Lonely and depressed. :S
I do agree on one thing! I do agree on ignoring a girl who’s emotionally unstable alone. At the same time, I also agree on being the bigger person and ending it with her so you both can move on. Understand the relationship was no good for either of you and enjoy your freedom. =D
I don’t do this very often, but I’m in a playful mood todtay. Time to play “Fun With An Irrational Hater!”
I have 8,800 Twitter followers, plus another 2,700 on a different account. The link to the correct account was right on the Twitter page, before I updated it. (Do you not know how to read? Did you graduate high school? Wait, don’t tell me…public school, right?) Anyway, click the Twitter icon again, Darling. I made it easier for you.
I thought you just said I’m not popular. How then would I get all these guys to make problems in their relationships?
I’ll let that one stand on its own.
Actually I’m going through the happiest time of my entire life, which is saying something.
One of us is definitely going through a rough patch, but it’s not me. Projection much? This guy who dumped you…why don’t you go troll him instead of me?
But please, keep going. This is too fun.
You mean because of my daily inbox full of positive emails? Many of which are from women? Or because of my almost 9,000 Twitter followers? Or maybe my thousands of books and ebooks sold with a 3% return rate? Or this blog which is one of the fastest growing blogs in the manosphere? Or something else?
Yes. Clearly I’m helping no one here. You’re right and everyone else is wrong.
Please keep commenting! I’m lovin’ it.
Weeeeeeeeeell… thank you for letting me comment. It’s a real pleasure. =D
Sir, you can tell me how much you paid for your lousy degree to be able to achieve 15 twitter followers compared to my friends who have millions of twitter followers who never needed to tell a internet troll they have a degree. Says much about you!!! lol Man, was it that easy to troll you to make you tell me about your life. Good grief. I know health care is expensive in the states, but heck there must be some affordable coverage to get you a psychiatrist for your Narcissistic Personality, Bi polar, Schizophrenia disorder??? Oh wait, you probably don’t have any money to pay for it.
Oh boy, please-let-the-world-know-you-have-15 twitter followers and A DEGREE and you can’t even properly link your most active twitter account to your website and you demand me to read your mind. Oh, WOW, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! =D
Remember Black, you won this conversation and I never had to share a lick of my personal info with you.
E.Z!!!!
Oh, side note, maybe you should focus on the positive things I said about you during the last post I made because I said many good things about you. It’s YOUR FAULT you chose to read the negative. Just saying. <3
Remember Black
Zero dollars. I never went to college. I was too busy making six figures without it.
And you actually still think I have 15 Twitter followers. Simply amazing.
But now you’re name calling (the only place one can go when one runs out of arguments), using the standard hater playbook by calling someone a narcissist. So we’re done here. Thanks for the entertainment, and I’m sorry for your recent breakup. You’ll get over it soon I’m sure.
“A Girl” Im not sure if you are for real or not but for you to actually put so much time and effort into trying to put someone down just is just pathetic.
If he has just 15 twitter followers or whatever then why do you care so much about what he writes? And do you have any clue whatsoever about human psychology? I guess not.
What BD is writing in this post DOES WORK, I tried it myself and the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it and when you ignore a person you remove yourself from his/hers life which makes the other person doubt their decision. It applies not just in relationships but in friendships and business also.
Hey Guys,
Posted my breakup story back in March and literally 4 months later the old girl is now hitting me up again, as I ignored her and remained a challenge. Will spin that plate again – Fair play to BD on this point. However, whilst I was ignoring her I started dating another girl in the meantime, and 3 months into being ‘exclusive’/fwb with her it has broken off as well.
Slight twist to the story this time, which BD hasn’t covered and many guys face, so I hope you can help me out again (Dawson/BD):
Started dating new girl; acted a challenge; alpha and got her investing real quick. Met her family and kept things fun and unpredictable. Rocked her in bed and got her driving/picking me up from places we went to. Slight dread game as she kept saying how I will only get bored of her. She posted pictures of us on social media and all her friends gave their approval. All great so far. Anyway, long story short she’s currently training to be a teacher and they’re all staying together in a hotel and genuinely busy lots of the time but went out every friday with ‘all the teachers’ (some are male). Didn’t care as knew she was invested, but one week she started becoming ‘more busy’ and acting distant/cold. Called her out on it and forced it out of her that she kissed another male teacher on friday in a club. Called her straight up as couldn’t see her in person and she didn’t care at all (as interest somehow miraculously dropped) even though I stayed the night 4 days before. Said she didn’t want to meet as felt too guilty and its now over as I ‘won’t trust her’. I asked if she wanted me back anyway, to which she replied she didn’t feel it anymore, and that I’m too good for her. Ended the convo.
Question – What happened here. Did she get an opportunity and an alpha took advantage or did the ‘honeymoon phase’ end and she realised it wasn’t going anywhere as fwb? If I did want her back whilst maintaining value, how would I go about it? I.e. Does ignoring a cheating girl who used cheating as a breakup vehicle, ever come back by vanishing on her?
@RealTalk
No one breaks up with someone because they think the other person is too good for them. That’s like the bullshit they say that it’s good luck when it rains on your wedding day. The “It’s not you, it’s me” is just French for “It’s you.”
I have had at least a dozen different women tell me they have cheated on a guy so that he would break up with them. Somehow they see this as less hurtful than just dumping the chump which I don’t get but I have heard it enough times that I think it is quite common.
As I have said countless times and I will say it again here, why do you want her back? You have already fucked her and she clearly isn’t that into you. Move on to women that do want to be with you and if she boomerangs fine…escalate IMMEDIATELY to sex and if not, don’t waste any mental energy on it.
One other comment. I have no idea why getting her to drive you around places is DHVing in your eyes. I would argue it does exactly the opposite. Just my $0.02 worth.
@Dawson Stone
I seen you do alot of good posts here, I have just one question:
I am following the post and ignoring my ex since I am moving on, but I would love to have her as a boomerang in my life.
How should I you act if I run into her more often at the club, supermarket, gym etc? since I live in a small town I do see her around.
I assume when being dumped I should never ask her out again unless she makes the effort, and to never text, call or facebook stalk etc, she has to contact me. But when I keep running into her quite often and I told her I am not interested in being friends, should I completely ignore her when I see her or still act somewhat friendly?
Since this was never brought up in the original post I thought I will bring it up here, I guess there are no clear answers but would be nice to know I should approach it in order to have biggest success rate of her (or any future girl for that matter) contacting me again so I can escalate it into her pants.
Thanks
@Crimson
The answer is simple but the execution is perhaps more difficult. I can tell by what you are writing that you are still hung up on this chick. It might just be ego (it probably is) or perhaps something else but it doesn’t matter. The fact that you are even asking the questions is part of the problem.
What you need to do is move on with your life. Let’s say this ex never existed. How would you live your life? THAT is exactly how you should live your life now. The fact that you run into your ex because it is a small town is unfortunate (it does increase the time it takes to get over someone) but the behavior is easy. Be nice and friendly. If you are passing each other on the street do not stop and chit chat. Just smile a genuine smile and say, “Hi Michelle” and keep walking. I would argue that when possible, avoid places you would be more likely to run into her so long as it isn’t really altering how you are living your life. But if you know she used to always to go a particular bar on Thursday go on Wed instead.
I would go even further and block her number, email and unfriend her / remove her from any social media. The more energy you spend on thinking about her the longer it will take to get over her. You shouldn’t be ignoring her. You should be blocking her. ERASE her existence from your life to the best of your ability. If she wants to come back into your (esp in a small town) it will be easy for her to do so. Make her WORK to get back in bed with you. Don’t spend any of your energy on her.
Do not try to run into her when you have another pretty girl on your arm. Do not date someone she knows in an effort to make her jealous. Just live your life and be the best version of yourself (for you, not her) and if she boomerangs, great. If not no big deal. Happiness is the best revenge (even though revenge shouldn’t be the goal).
Hey guys, stumbled upon this blog when feeling low. Here’s my story. Hung out with this girl who lives in my apartment complex for like a couple of months. We’d hang out like 3-4 times a week and things seemed to be going well. Then, out of the blue, she turns hostile, I may have said something to turn her off but I’m not sure what triggered the reaction. Me, panicking, start acting needy/beta a couple of times (two times max) and then she tells me about how she wants an easy friendship etc. I let her know that will be tough and we’re better off not staying in touch. She apologized but I wasn’t clear about what. I get rid of things that remind me of her and begin no contact. This was three months ago and we have run into each other 2-3 times since. Every time we ran into each other I would just acknowledge her and walk away.
The NC period was/is hard and I have been fighting so many urges to text her, go and talk to her etc for I know her routine and places she’d be at a certain time. Still hurts not hanging out with her but I have been dealing with it better day by day. A couple of days ago, out of the blue, she comes up to me asking me about my tablet (seriously) and how she’s considering purchasing one of those. She spoke like nothing ever happened and I casually answered her and walked off.
Now, I’m getting the feels again and would like advice. How do I take it from here? Go and talk to her? Wait for her to come talk again and then pitch a meet? Don’t want to take her back right away for she stomped all over me the last couple of times we met (pre-NC).
Regards,
Super Beta.
@Fidel……just my 2 cents…..it sounds like you’ve been doing great with the NC and keeping your urges from getting the best of you. Since you are so invested in that dept. I would say don’t throw away what you’ve accomplished now, UNTIL she comes at you with something more meaningful than convo about your tablet. She may likely not want to be the first one to be obvious about wanting to get back together and stubborn about her pride, hoping you make the first move, but if you stand firm and hold to your ground, IF she really wants you (which you don’t want anything less anyway) then hold your ground and she will eventually break down and give in. That’s if she notices that contacting you about side things isn’t working. Meanwhile, you have to be working HARD on connecting and fucking other women even though you may not being feeling totally confident. This is the time you have to suck it up, be a man and continue to hunt. Don’t be putting all your eggs in one basket hoping desperately for her to come back. Again, just my 2 cents.
@Fidel
Steve is right on. Maybe a bit nicer than I would be. I would say quit being such a pussy. You don’t even say if you two had sex or not…don’t know if “hanging out” means sex in your world. If it doesn’t mean sex then seriously you never had anything anyway and I wouldn’t waste 1 second of my time and energy on it.
If it means having sex then read on.
Let her do all the work. Be friendly but just exchange a few words. If she were to continue to show interest on a number of occasions and say something like, “What are you doing right now?” I might respond, “Well I can have you out of those clothes in about 30 seconds if you want to come back to my place.”
ESCALATE IMMEDIATELY TO SEX. Doesn’t matter if it is via text, email or face-to-face. If they say no, no biggie. I have been surprised how often this has worked.
@Dawson @Steve
Yeah, I’ve been stupid. Wanted to take it slow but it didn’t really help. Yeah, no sex, which is why I used “hanging out” 🙁 . Should add that we’re both from a slightly more conservative/orthodox culture which has contributed to me being very very Beta.
Yes, I am “meeting” other women and definitely trying to move on, not waste any time on her etc. but her coming back to talk has messed things up a little. I’m not putting my eggs in one basket (at least trying not to), but was just curious how to approach it in case she starts chatting a little more often.
@Dawson
Thanks bro, solid advice and you are absolutely right.
The fact im even asking these questions here means im not over her. But its time to get my head straight and move on following the advice given and start a new happy life being an alpha 2.0!
Best of luck and thanks again guys for valuable information and a good blog.
What if i can’t check her out on Face book because i have her blocked? Should i unblock her and send her a friend request? Because without being friends on face book i won’t be able to see if she is single or has a boyfriend? Face book is the only way i can check on her without contacting.
@Eddie
Seriously? Are you even reading the comments on here? DO NOT contact her. Not on facebook. Not anywhere. If she wants to get back with you she will do so. You chasing her has ZERO chance of working. If you are checking out her relationship status on FB you have already lost.
I understand i shouldn’t contact her at all first ever. But i did read above that after 4 to 6 months, you will check her out on face book to see if she is single or has a new boyfriend. But i blocked her on face book. I was asking if i should unblock her from face book after the 4 to 6 months? You can’t see their status unless you are friends on face book. That’s all i was wondering. If not, i will leave her blocked. And see if she calls or texts me first within months.
hey man good advice im really gonna try that now i started working in a kitchen a few months back just to get on my feet working 2 jobs my boss and i ended up fuckin around wile she was with some one had a family they broke up but be for they broke up she pulled me asside and was telling me how she felt about me stole my number out of the office and started txting me we ended up seeing each other for a few months then it was all out of the blue
this isent working for me iv been keeping u in the dark bout some things ( not being able to have kids) then ran back to her baby daddy who not sure now into some drugs when she left him and now she ran back to him he moved back in mean wile shes already been threw this a few times with this guy the simple im not happy line whats your take on that
@Eddie,
IMO you never contact a woman first. NEVER. If she is interested she will contact you. You screw up the power dynamic if you reach out to her.
O k Thanks Dawson Stone. I will leave her blocked on face book. And vanish for like 4 to 6 months. And see if she calls or texts me within 4 to 6 months. Keep it casual and short. Ask for a meet and if not, end the conversation fast.
Will this still work for me if i do everything right? Even though she has stayed in contact with me the whole time we been broken up? We were together almost 4 years. no kids. never married. she was with someone and living with him, but still calling and texting me a lot first. and wanted to meet like twice months ago. but nothing happened. We cut ties last week. I will not contact her at all anymore. Wait and see if she does first.
@Eddie
The key is to stop worrying about if it will work. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. But letting her contact you is the best chance you have. The key is how you act when/if she does contact you. IMO you have to immediately escalate to sex. If she balks, she wasn’t coming back anyway.
Good luck.
My ex girlfriend dumped me in 2007 after five months because we were “not compatible” – and this was devastating, out-of-the-blue news to me. I immediately tried everything to get her back – phone calls, flowers, texts, calling from different numbers, etc. I over-pursued as much as anyone possibly could because I was desperate to get her back. Finally, she called me and angrily told me to never, ever contact her again.
In 2010, she began texting me again, off and on, and we slowly rekindled a friendship despite her having married someone else. Last night, we hooked up at my place for the first time in eight years. She just now texted me and told me that she can’t wait to hook up again.
Ignoring and waiting both work – no matter how bad the ending was. The Boomerang effect is very real – and almost certain to occur – if the original relationship was sexually satisfying. The Long Game is a very long game indeed – but hope springs eternal and patience is rewarded.
Yup. I have had an 8 year boomerang as well.
But I will say that the better you let things end the easier, faster and less drama the boomerangs will be.
You are exactly right Dawson!!! If I had shown more patience in 2007, this boomerang might have taken just a few months 🙁 Live and Learn!
So if following all these rules, is it a better chance an ex will come back just for sex? Or get back together as well? If she contacts you first, what do you say? How’s it going? Ask if she wants to meet? If you she says no or declines, end conversation as quick as possible?
My love broke up 6 months ago and left me heartbroken, this made me sick and my problem became very very difficult and it made me almost gave up but after the love spell from Robinson Buckler, my relationship was restored instantly, I was happy that the outcome was fantastic, only 3 days after robinsonbuckler @ (yahoo). com started it all. Never in my life have I thought this would work so fast. My man reconcile with me and he started acting completely different, we make love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say that Robinson’s spells work! I can now say I feel happy once again, and like never before. It felt so good to have my lover back again, Thanks to Robinson,
Does all this help your chances of your ex coming back to get back together? or just sex?
One question:
If a girl wishes you happy birthday would you see that as an “contact out of the blue” and escalate towards sex or should I just say “Thanks :)” and wait for another reach out from her.
3 weeks since breakup and my birthday is in a few days im sure she will wish me something but im not sure if thats just for being polite or actually because she misses me.
Best regards
Hey Frankie, I had my ex wish me Happy Birthday too. But i think it was just because we were together almost 4 years. Just being nice and not like she will ever forget that date. I would say thanks. and end it there. and see if she reaches out again.
Black Dragon, you were so right well done. Your shit works man my ex wants me back after following your advice.
Also I ordered your book it’s great.
Now she is over the age of 33 so I’m keeping that in mind. Thanks again wish I had found your material sooner.
Glad to have found this blog… Good material!
I’m in my mid-40s and was with this girl (a 7.5/10) for 8 years, living with her for 7 years. Throughout the years she would go through cycles (every 2-3 years_ and tell me she didn’t feel the way I did in her regards. She would say she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me, felt very comfortable with me, blah blah blah. I always ignored her and basically told her she was nuts and proceeded to regularly fuck her in any which way possible. 2 months ago she did it again and this time she really booked and left. We were engaged and to be married next year. I figured 7 years were enough to know she wasn’t gonna go anywhere. I was wrong there! We never argued much and were pretty much upfront to each other about everything. I know she didn’t leave me for another dude. She went to live with a fat chick (stranger) in another town nearby.
Ever since she left, she keeps texting me about how I’m doing. I always answer: “Fine. Thanks for asking.” I’m in total ignore mode with her… Mostly because I could give 2 shits about someone who didn’t want to be with me anymore. Why in the blue hell would anyone want to go out with a chick that turned their back on you or worse if they cheated on you (not my case)???? There are plenty of other fish in the ocean! Since she moved out a few weeks ago, I’ve have a slew of girls (between 7’s and 9’s) lined up wanting to date me. I’ve chosen to lay low for a month or so, but I’ve already had a few dates… I forced myself to go out with them. Wasn’t really in the mood to see other people in the past few weeks.
After 8 years of monogamy, I’m a little rusty (or maybe don’t even care much yet/anymore?) in the dating scene. But it’s like a bike… A little practice and time and I’ll be back racing with the best.
I’m really enjoying this board… Some of you guys are spot-on with the advice for the younger fellas. You learn most of this stuff with experience OR you can learn from other people’s experience. Really good stuff!
I dated this girl for 4 years. She is a year younger then me. I’m currently going to be a junior in college and she is going to be a sophomore in college at the same university. 2 years ago we hit a pretty rough patch when I went to college and she was still in high school but we stuck together and she ended up going to the same school as me. We fought a ton and I was kind of an asshole while I was away at school before she ended up going there. She recently got this internship with a company and its all she has cared about all summer and she is going to do the same internship again this coming year. Last week I told her that she felt distant and working was all that mattered to her. We got in an argument and she broke up with me over a text just out of the blue. I left her alone for about 5 days not contacting her and eventually said we need to talk about this in person and she agreed. She got pretty emotional when I saw her and said she needed some time to figure out who she really is because she doesn’t know life without me. She claims she broke up with me so she can just be herself and see if I am really the one for her in life considering we are so young so she just wants to take time away. She also seemed to maybe be changing her look. Before she pulled away in the car after I talked to her I told her that I’ll still always be there for her and stuff. She also told me she loved me still before she left and let me give her a goodbye kiss. I know I sound like a pussy but I’ve been completely lost without her and I am definitely going to try not contacting her for 4 months. I have two questions however. 1.) does age matter for your method? 2.) considering we go to the same college, what should I do when I see her? Should I just be casual and say hi or completely ignore her. I’ll most likely see her a lot when we go out at night because we have the same friends. Sorry this post as long. Hope you guys can help.
Kk,
Why would you insist on pursuing a very tumultuous and difficult relationship? There are soooooooooo many women on this green earth… You just have to find one that you can get along with and who will appreciate you as you are. As an old Right Guard commercial used to go… “Anything else would be uncivilized!” Forcing relationships will eventually make you and her miserable, leading to an inevitable scission. It does not have to be THAT difficult.
@Kk
As funny as it sounds you need to listen to Jesus! lol
Move on. Don’t try to diagnose it. Solve it. Fix it. Whatever it.
If she decides she can’t live without you I promise you she will alert you to this development.
1) It matters perhaps a bit more in the short term but not in the long run. The general rules still hold
2) Be polite but don’t linger. Treat her like she was an acquaintance that you liked just fine but wasn’t important in your life. Without greatly modifying your day-to-day try to avoid her. Most guys instead look for opportunities to run into their ex. This is a mistake. The more you interact with her (in ANY form) the longer it will take you to get over her.
Good luck!
Thanks you guys for the advice it is helping me feel a lot better. Just yesterday she texted my sister saying how much she’s going to miss my family and stuff. Then she went on to tell my sis how we both need this break up and that it’s good for us. Girls make everything so confusing. I’ve been stressing the most about her hooking up with someone at school early on and that news will be worse than the break up itself. Do you guys think it is a good idea for me to try and make her jealous by hooking up with other girls? Or would that make it obvious that I’m trying to get her attention/jealous and turn her away even more?
@Kk
Seriously you need to get a hobby, hit the gym, get some more friends, get laid.
The more you obsess about this chick the worse you will make it. Let’s say a perfect 10 who was super smart, kind, a rock star in bed, sweet, thoughtful and had an identical twin sister that she wanted to share you with from time-to-time would you still be pining over this other girl?
You are young and don’t have any perspective…find some. This previous chick might be great (and I am not saying she is) but I PROMISE you there are tons as good and better.
And so what if another guy has sex with her? It changes NOTHING. In fact, if your sex life was any good with her it is more likely to make her miss what she had with you. And if your sex life wasn’t that great, you weren’t going to keep her anyway. Go out there and get good at sex.
Don’t TRY to pretend you are happy with someone else. BE happy with someone else. Don’t try to make her jealous about the new girl you are fucking. Enjoy the new girl you are fucking and if she gets jealous, who cares. The more you TRY to do things the more it is likely to turn her off.
Interesting reads here. I’ve myself been down with a severe case of oneitis. Seemed like the best thing ever, then blink, and it’s gone. Trying to figure it out will make you crazy. Thought I might add a bit of a tip though. Eventually you will come across one that just HAS to win a power struggle, and will escalate things to try and do that.
For example: I was following NC as best as possible. Had to keep her on Facebook because we had to both be on a trip within a couple months after the breakup, and frankly I didn’t want to deal with any escalation on the trip. She was all up in my Facebook liking, commenting, whatever. I didn’t respond, and didn’t even look at her page, much less like or comment there. I’d get the random no reason texts, cloaked in asking me a question. When the actual trip arrived she acted like an ice cube. I acted calm. Got home, unfriended her, and she retaliated by blocking me. Will I hear from her again? Who knows, but my point is they will find any way possible to retaliate. And you have to be ready to blow that off.
It’s amazing to know how many guys still go gaga over a woman that abandoned or cheated on them and think it’s a good idea to try to get them back. Remember guys… Those are women of very low value from which you should run away from and not walk! You should never give a shit about anyone who doesn’t give a shit about you. Listen to Jesus for once. 😉
Dated this girl for almost 5 years, out of the blue she dumped me saying that she couldnt do this anymore and that she thought time apart is what we need right now and that maybe in the future if im single and shes single we can work it out… ive been so far 1 month no contact and going to do the 4 months as you have mentioned. she promised me its not another guy or anything but her, that she “needs to find who she is”.. i think sex was pretty good..i mean i was her first, she lost her virginity to me. my question is i know there are plenty women out there but honestly i dont see myself with anyone else at the moment. if she doesnt contact me within the 4 months should i call it a lost cause and forget about her completely..
our relationship for the most part was great, hardly ever argued, always took trips together and spent everyday together maybe she just got tired and bored of me?
Wow Dave you and me are in the same exact situation… We both lost our virginity to each other as well. However we have only been broken up for a week and a half so a little shorter then you.
You have to think of it this way. You guys have been together for what seems like forever just like me and my girlfriend. Our girls are having second thoughts I think because they want to make sure we are the guys they want to spend the rest of their lives with you know? They want to focus on themselves and figure what’s best for them in life. Now I don’t know how old you guys are but a lot of people get married after dating that long. My girlfriend used to tell me she wanted to get married and all that shit just a couple years after college. Women are confusing they tell you all that bullshit and then end up leaving so who knows. I’m just gonna let it ride out and see what happens. Definitely not contacting her.
Jesus is in mid-40s, just fresh out of an 8-year relationship, engaged and was scheduled to get married next year… Just in case you guys thought you’re alone in these predicaments. Trying to justify her decision to abandon you makes zero sense, guys! THEY DUMPED YOU! WAKE UP! They simply do not give a drop of money piss about you! You need to realize this.
Simple advice: Become your best friend, do stuff that makes you happy, get in shape, make new friends. When you are truly happy, you become attractive. Then go out there, find the most amazing beautiful woman that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There are plenty out there!
JESUS
“…drop of *monkey* piss…”
I need advice. My ex called me last night. wanted to meet for ice cream. but then canceled after about 10 minutes. she is with someone else and living with him. been broken up about a year. we were together 4 years. she has been with him for about a year. she said we need to cut ties. i said o k. but then after a week or two, she ends up calling or texting me. She still has photos up of us on her face book. What do you think or make? Does she still care or have feelings for me? or not?
@Eddie
Do you really need advice? I mean come on already. It is plain as day.
She wasn’t that into you. Things ended. Things are “touch and go” with newer guy but wants to know she has you as a fall back just in case.
I am sure she still has feelings for you but those feelings are not strong enough for her to want to be with you. And what the FUCK are you doing looking at her Facebook? Are you a glutton for punishment?
Grow some balls, quick being a doormat for this chick and move the fuck on with your life. Don’t you have any friends that can slap some sense into you?
BLOCK HER ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA and EMAIL. Block her number. If she circumvents all that by using a friends phone or social media then IMMEDIATELY escalate to sex. This isn’t rocket science guys.
Sorry to be so harsh but you guys keep asking the same damn question over and over and over just in slightly different form:
– My ex treated me like shit
– My ex dumped me
– I haven’t moved on and keep hoping she will come back
– My ex gave me the slightest, tiniest indication interest
– What do you think it means and what should I do?
Rinse and repeat.
Dawson Stone. i hear what your saying, but i didn’t look at her face book. someone else did. just to see if pictures were still up of us. And i thought i read above that you will check her out on things such as face book without her knowing to see if she is single or has a new boyfriend. She said she still loves me. and said the guy she is with doesn’t love her like i did or have a connection like us. i never text or call her. she always does though. she said we need to cut ties. i said o k. then 2 weeks later, she still called and texted me. I don’t want to just fuck her. i would like us to get back together. I noticed the longer i stay away from contacting her, the more she contacts me. So that is great advice and works.
Just thought I’d post this shit works. I just fucked an ex last night using this procedure.
I’m hardly an expert on relationships and stuff, but I think one of the key points a lot of people are missing with this whole thing is YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON and get your life back before getting any results. This shit works when you do not give a flying fuck what she will do or how she will react to you when you contact her after vanishing. If you are still pining over a chick you dated and try and do this procedure, she will sense it and you will fail.
@Eddie
Listen to what people are telling you here. YOU NEED TO FUCKING FORGET HER. Shut her out. If she contacts you, you pitch a meet up (no offense, but I think she will know you are still hung up on her and will deny you). If she says no, shut her down for a very, very, very, long time…until she is a distant memory. Only then, would I recommend trying this procedure.
o k thanks guys. I will wait awhile and then try that. The thing is that she keeps inviting me to dinner a few times, but then backs out. So i just ignore her and then she eventually contacts me again. I act like i don’t care and continue to go out with other girls. The more i act like i don’t give a shit, the more she contacts me.
@whitedragon
You mentioned you had an affair with your boss.
My question is: how did you manage at work after the breakup? Did you not see her at all?
I too had an affair with a colleague & I can’t seem to keep my anxiety in control. I don’t speak to her, never look in the direction she sits but I am always very nervous.
Any tips? Thanks,
@Dawson
You’ve been very helpful, Thank you. I read your comments almost daily. I’m no longer with my ex but I do miss her, a lot. Even then, I don’t contact her. I would have if not for your advice.
Moving on is challenging, but as you rightly said, if she isn’t into you, it’s pointless. I remember her chasing me down when we were getting to know each other. Now, it’s a distant memory.
Anyways, thanks again. I do regret not knowing about this blog before and during the relationship.
To any doubters, this does work!!!!. I was in a “oneitis” relationship for a long time (broke up once in the middle and then got back together). I met a few girls during the first break up and completely cut contact with them once we got back together. Well we broke up the second time. I sent a text to 3 of the girls I saw in the middle and they immediately wanted to see me even though I never talked to them for over 5 months! You need to leave on good terms with all girls and make sure you treat them fantastic when you are with them.
The relationship was a great life experience. She’s pretty much a model but with major issues so after a period of no contact I knew it can’t be more then just an ego loss and it was like weeding myself off of a drug. We had some of the best times of my life, but she also made me feel like crap many times. Nobody deserves that. I treated her like gold 24/7 and well that’s why she still texts me and wants to see me regularly. She knows she can’t get better. Well she might be able to but it’s pretty damn tough! When she asks for a favor I tell her I’m busy and I’ll get back to her (which I never do). Sorry I’m not your bf I tell myself, you don’t get that anymore.
She’s banging a rebound guy yet she gets pissed when she sees new girls liking my stuff on social media or the fact I am having fun without her. That’s why she always texts me to see me. I never ask to see her or never text her, but I’ll see her and bang her if I’m not busy with other girls. She’s pissed that I don’t drop anything for her anymore. Well too bad, so sad, she ruined that and now I am in control. I went from Beta to Alpha.
I am currently seeing lots of girls and having the time of my life. I’ve been hitting the gym a lot harder then I ever have and I run on a daily basis. My career is thriving, I make great coin and drive a great car. My confidence is bringing in women whenever I go out. Here’s a tip guys. Wear a blazer with jeans when you go out. Women love men in blazers!
@Rob
I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing – it is really rough with a co-worker.
The worst part was that we kept talking about not “going too far over the line” each time we’d get more and more affectionate. Once all of the lines had been crossed I could tell that things were taking a toll on her emotionally. She is an incredibly well-respected professional within my company and I think that the risks she was taking with me were making her more and more scared about the potential impact to her career if anyone found out or began wondering.
The break-up came without warning and we had never shared a single cross word with each other. Based on our work situation (the fact that she is my direct supervisor and the amount of damage we could do to each other if any anger entered the equation) I decided to back away immediately after our last, cordial but firm conversation. But, losing someone you love is always hard – especially when it happens suddenly. I decided to minimize all in-person contact with her for four months (just like BD recommended) and I politely and quickly replied to all of her work-related emails and made sure that our monthly work review sessions were all conducted on the phone (still tough, but way easier than seeing her face and having her see me acting so nervous). There were just a few occasions where I simply could not avoid her – twice for meetings in her office with the door shut and twice in larger meetings. Otherwise, I eliminated all contact (texts, IMs, personal emails, personal calls).
I am just now nearing the five month mark and I’ve done most of things recommended by the other posters on this thread (worked out daily, started dating other women, seeing my FWBs frequently, took up two new hobbies, etc.). Every day has gotten easier and I feel that I can now see her unexpectedly in the hallway at work without panicking.
One other tip that I have is a product called Natrol. It’s a natural stress reliever made by GNC. I did a lot of research and it received rave reviews from people with serious anxiety problems. I’ve never had anxiety before now but I can tell you that Natrol helped me a ton – especially with the heart pounding that I felt whenever my thoughts turned to her at work.
I’d strongly recommend that you avoid seeing her at work for at least a few months, no matter what you need to do to make that happen. Trust me – she still remembers you and her perspective will change as the good memories sharpen in focus and the bad memories fade. On the other hand, the time apart may make you care about her less and less. Most importantly, you should definitely not talk with her about your former affair while you are at work – a harassment charge (or worse) could come out of the blue.
Good luck, and please keep me posted!
I have a question, its a bit OFF TOPIC but I will give it a go since its a situation that can occur and if anyone is interested or have time to respond:
I followed the advice in the blog, ignored my ex and moved on etc and I feel confident, alpha and started seeing new girls. However deep down I still love my ex and want to get back with her, but she has to make the work now as advised.
Last week I was at the club in the VIP area with a new girl i started seeing and we were having fun and kissing and suddenly I see a text from my ex (I was wearing red):
“Red is your color”
I look around and see her staring at me and the other girl, I got a bit chocked, trying to keep calm with alcohol and kept going on with the party. She was really trying to get my attention so my question is, how would you guys act here?
I admit that I still have strong feelings for my ex and would love for things to be simple and she just reaches out and I pitch a meet and go straight for sex, but since I see her out here and there it gets more complicated and in a situation like this I was not sure how the “correct” response would be.
Anyone has any advice? I already know what I did and if it was the right or wrong I dont know but im curious since I always want to improve myself and become more alpha by acting and doing things correctly.
Thanks
Many of you guys are nearly entirely missing the point.
The whole point isn’t “Do this and do that and then you will get the love of your life back.”
Yes it is true that if you part on decent terms (and often less than decent terms) and let her boomerang to you months or even years later you will have another chance to be with her and on better terms then before.
But the MUCH bigger point is that no one woman is worth pining over. First of all if you are reading anything on this blog you know monogamy isn’t a good idea for anyone…especially guys.
But the even BIGGER point is there is almost no benefit that accrues to you by being back and in a serious relationship with any of these women.
When I read things like “I still have really strong feelings for my ex” or “I will want things to go back to like they were” or “fill in ridiculous oneitis statement here” I want to strangle you guys.
Honestly you should enjoy women and treat them really well. Be kind and generous and thoughtful. But when you enter into a long-term relationship there is only one absolute…things will deteriorate. How much depends on you and the woman but drama will go up and happiness will go down. That is a guarantee.
I will repeat this one more time here and then I fucking give up. If you could find 20 different women that were smarter, nicer, hotter, kinkier, of all different types, zero drama, etc. and these women were beating down your door would you still be hung up on fill-in-what’s-her-name-here? Of course not. So stop trying to figure out how to game fill-in-what’s-her-name into getting back into a relationship with you and figure out how to be happier (which should be easy) NOT being in a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter.
I hear what your saying, but it sounds like your telling us to never get married and be with just one special girl for the rest of our lives. You can’t just go from girl to girl forever. Eventually, when you get old, you can’t do that or will set yourself up to be alone for the rest of your life.
Who the hell would give attention to someone you just broke up with? You’re free, celebrate by fucking whatever you can while you can until you’re dumb enough to waste money on a ring for someone who will make you hate them on top of imprisoning yourself to 25+ years of supporting kids who think you are a tool.
@Eddie
You DON’T hear what I am saying.
The point I am making is there are lots of women that are amazing. We are all born alone and we all die alone. I don’t mean to sound cynical (because I am not cynical) but your point of view is that men should “settle down” with that “special woman” so that we don’t grow old alone. Do you hear how pathetic that sounds?
First off, what if you do that and she dies before you do? Then what? You are basically saying you are going to settle for one person so that you have someone to care for you in your old age assuming your partner outlives you and wants to care for your old ass.
Dude, make and save enough money so you can have someone on the payroll to care for you.
I am nearly 50 now and I have at least 20 years more of enjoying young, beautiful women. My Dad is in his mid 70s and still has an active sex life. If I do eventually get to the age where shit doesn’t work anymore or I have no sex drive or whatever I still wouldn’t want to have someone around just so I have someone around. I will have family. Friends. Ex-lovers. Whatever.
Fear is the worst of all reasons to do anything…you seem to look at relationships from a scarcity and fear-based view of the world.
Going into 2 weeks NC.
Two questions.
1. My x last time i spoke to her before NC period told me she was meeting someone. I asked her if it was a date ? and she replied ” what is it to you…if I did” ( it ended being a out of town family member.) does the statement “what is it to you” mean she still has feelings … as in why do you care… you never cared about me”” along those lines…???
2. My x birthday is next week. Do i send her a Happy Birthday wish on a social media or text or keep the NC strict even in a case of a Birthday. ?
Thanks !
God Almighty! This post is still running! 😀
Anyway, just popped in to say, “My Boomerang Just Came Back” and most likely will disappear again soonish. BUT in the meantime, the sex is as good as ever it was. Better actually. If It wasn’t, I’d just cut contact completely.
Just do as BD and Co advise, play the waiting game, they’ll be back. 🙂
It does seem a lot of the point is being missed. Though the post talks about the ex returning, this is NOT what you should be thinking about. You shouldn’t be giving her a second thought because chances are she isn’t giving you one. Sure eventually she might come back, but ask yourself, do you REALLY want her back? This is the chick that left YOU. Even if she came back you you ever really trust her to be in a relationship? You will always be waiting in the back of your mind for the axe to fall again. She isn’t likely to change for the better, she came out on top in her mind, so why should she?
This is YOUR chance to become something else. If you did things that drove her off fix them. Fix them for YOU. Not for her. Go out, and live! I don’t care how awesome this chick was, there is another. And another. And another. As soon as you realize this then the ex will NOT matter.
@ Calm
You are quite correct if the ex is the one and only. If the “relationship” went bad it will go bad again.
And yes, you shouldn’t give them a second thought. But it can be helpful to know that most often, if you got things right in bed, they will come back for sex. So it’s good to keep them up your sleeve.
But if the pining male is young and has oneitis and wants them back so that “things are like they used to be” then it is time to move on.
But no contact does work. I’ve done it loads of times. And when you don’t give a shit and are truly outcome independent, somehow, it seems to work even better. Now, I wonder why that might be? 😀
If you have been having sex regularly with a woman, whatever she gives as the reason for leaving, generally it will be because she gets a dose of Disney or ASD or SP, or all three. So she gives drama and leaves.
Of course, she may not come back. She may just not like you anymore. But whatever the circumstances, return rates are very high if you follow a few simple rules. 🙂
If the sex is worth it, hang in there. if not, move on.
@Mike
You know the answer to your own questions. I mean are you really that dense?
1. Why on Earth would you ask her if it was a date? You might have well just have asked, “Hey I am still hung up on your and am pathetically jealous of a new guy you may be seeing and that he might be better than me so can you please calm my insecurities and tell me it isn’t a date?”
For God’s sake don’t be such a pussy and
2. Fuck no you don’t contact her if it’s her birthday, she wins the lottery, she becomes President, fill-in-pathetic-excuse-to-contact-her-here.
@Dawson.
I hear ya..
Anyways i’ve been busy lining up dates for a few weeks now, had 2 in bed up to now… I have a date lined up with a chick tomorrow evening- 23 yrs younger than me / i’m 49), I’m keeping fit and lifting weights at home. I agree the best is to keep ones self and mind busy.
Great site btw.
“When you enter into a long-term relationship there is only one absolute…things will deteriorate. Drama will go up and happiness will go down. That is a guarantee.”
Damn straight. Among other things, the woman is no longer afraid of saying the wrong thing, because you’ve committed, so she doesn’t have to worry about scaring you off. She feels free to reign fire from her mouth. Talking about typical mono relationship of course.
I finally split with the girl I’ve been mono with for just over a year today…and thank heavens; let me tell you a ‘little’ story. All you betas and Alpha 1.0’s out there, wake the hell up, because I have.
Before I did the dumb thing and went exclusive with her, I was keeping up to date on this site and applying the techniques, and things were going great. I’d been on more dates, and had more date offers, within a month, than I had for the previous 20 years of my life. Amazing.
But then I let my guard down, and one night this girl I just split with, she sent me a ‘wholehearted’ text stating her feelings etc because she knew I was seeing this other chick. And I fell off guard because I was new to it all, and stupidly forgot everything I’d learned here. I told the other woman I was gonna see someone else, and then fell straight back into the stupid monogamy trap. Jesus, it pains me just thinking how dumb it was. But of course, due to NRE, I didn’t think so at the time.
At least I’ve learned in my early 20’s
Anyway, yeah, me and the girl got monogamous and by 6 months, she turned condescending and spoke to me like shit. All I was doing was getting pissed off all the time at her (essentially spot on definition of Alpha 1.0, now that I look back). I must have spent essentially 90% of the whole year period just pissed off. I found that, as an Alpha 1.0, getting exclusive drags me into a ‘monog mindset’. I felt like my partner ‘should’ listen and do what I want. I got roped in real good. Almost everything that ever pissed me off during my time with her was due to her not acting exactly how I desired her to.
Had we not been in a relationship to begin with, I wouldn’t have felt like that (controlling), because I’d know I had no right to do so; to demand and expect her to act in certain ways. Outside of a relationship I couldn’t care less, and as an AM1.0 I think its a big trap to avoid.
Anyway, over the last 2 months, I notice things changing considerably. Withdrawing a lot. And by this point, it got to the point I had absolutely no desire to see her. Full stop. She’d also been talking down to me ALL the time by this point; lowered my self-esteem something ROTTEN.
So we hadn’t seen each other for a period of a few weeks, nor talked, and she brings it up. Hostile of course, talking at me as if I’ve been ‘naughty’. So she says she hates to say it but she’s enjoyed the time away from me. Feels we are considerably different, and clearly indicates its time to split.
So, perfect chance. I responded in a completely outcome independent way (actually used Dawson’s template examples near the top), and said ‘Okay, I understand totally… etc’ and she started saying I didn’t care and asking why don’t I care.
Anyway, I responded to ‘why don’t you want to discuss it’ with ‘I understand what you’ve said, and I agree. I wish to discuss it no further, but I agree that we are in no way on bad terms.’
She went off in a huff saying, ‘wishing I’d open up for once’, and saying its like I just don’t care and have accepted it, and I’m talking like I have no choice in the matter. But wtf, she already made her decision, and from how she stated it, it was pretty clear. So no, I shouldn’t have a choice in the matter. Make your decision and stick to it. Don’t say it otherwise. Annnnd I just haven’t replied…because I genuinely can’t be bothered. I don’t care, but I didn’t want to be so blunt, because I know she’ll be back (but I wont be getting mono again, NOOOOO SIREEEE).
Never again will I get in a relationship. NEVER. OMG such freedom. I cannot describe how much you should avoid getting exclusive, if you are someone out there weighing up whether to do this stuff or not. DON’T DO IT.
Hello,me and my girlfriend were dating for 2 years and we were living together for a year and a half.We had some issues and the relatonship ended in february.(basically i got lazy,needy,complacent and so on).During the first month we spoke twice (both conversatons initiated by me).I tried to ask her out but she declined the first time,the second she agreed to visit me at home,but told me she will be for half an hour or something and i told her that i am not interested in being her friend and if she wants,she can visit me,but told her to not force a time frame on me.Then a friend of mine called her to fix the “issues”.I didn’t even know about that.Since then she is cold towards me.I tried one last time to ask her out 4 months ago,she initially accepted,but called me the other day to tell she has a boyfriend and it wouldn’t be appropriate.She would like to keep me as friend.I told her that i’m not interested in being her friend,told her to not bother me anymore ,unless she is interested in meeting me and wished her well.One month later(3 months ago) she called me,i couldn’t pick up the phone,but called her back later that night,but she didn’t pick up.3 days pass by and she calls again,i didn’t pick up the phone,but called her later that night,she did pick up the phone that time and her first question was “why do you call me” i saw you did call me,but i didn’t answer.We spoke for a while(obviously her sister gave a birth to a child and she felt some nostalgia ,i asked her out and she told me that she has a boyfriend and it is not appropriate.I said ok,if you don’t want to date me ,just delete my number.i won’t call if it bothers you. I haven’t spoke with her since then.I think she is a serial monogamist.She had 2 serious relationships before and both of those were 3 years long.So do you think she will ever call back?Do i need to call her and apologize for being rude,by saying to her to delete my number if she doesn’t wan to meet me.
Any advice will be much appreciated
Thank you ,
Stoyan
@ Stoyan
Interesting that she has had three relationships of about 3 years. That’s about as long as monogamous relationships last.
Why should you apologise? You weren’t rude, you spoke the truth.
DO NOT contact her.
If she contacts you, you have a choice. You can ignore her or you can attempt to hook up. But she is probably just on a fishing trip when she contacts you to see if she can use you as “Plan B” when the new man goes wrong, which he will.
In any event, find another woman, preferably more than one.
You have at least learned that moving in with someone is not the way to go. 🙂
What you said at the end there Al, I consider myself incredibly lucky that you guys highlight these issues (when moving in; marriage) before being old enough to be in that situation.
I found this blog when I was 21. I made the mistake of getting exclusive still yes, but it won’t happen again and that’s hardly a drop in the ocean considering the crapfest I’d be in if I ever moved in/got married. You guys saved me while I am still young (just turned 23).
@ L
Yep, as the saying goes, “If I’d known then what I know now.” 🙂
We’ve all got it wrong at some stage, mainly because we just did what everyone else was doing.
So, don’t kick yourself, but never do it again! lol 😀
If settling down is something we shouldn’t do, then why does majority of the world get married and have kids? There is nothing wrong with wanting to devote your life to one special person.
No, there is nothing wrong with wanting to do that, just so long as you like drama, divorce, alimony, being unhappy, cheating, being cheated on etc. etc.
I am devoted to one of my lady friends. I do and will do a lot for her. But she does a lot for me too. AND she and I realise that settling down and being exclusive would ruin the fantastic life that we have now. She makes me happy. We have great sex. We have no need to comply with society’s demands that we should live together.
But you do ask a very important question. Just why does the majority of the world get married and have kids? Because, as yet, not enough men are refusing to knuckle down and be providers. But the tide is changing on that one. And, more and more women are starting to see the sense of remaining free and happy also.
Good stuff. I was with my girl for many years and we just broke up. I softed a week and she called so i had her over. I looked at her straight in the face and said: “We don’t have to end this, it’s been a lovely relationship. Enjoy your freedom, take care of yourself, hang out with you’r guy friends (beta pussys) and lets go with the flow”. She left all confused. My question is..should i do a 2 month soft through her bday even if she contacts me? Or should i jump on the oportunity to bang?
I am 30 and have yet to even ever find a girl that doesn’t want marriage.
I feel that most women want the marriage and kids so they have a sort of partner, safety net, protection for the rest of their life.
@ Shinealight
My advice would be, now that you have set things up, you don’t contact her first. Go silent. If she contacts you, you need to navigate through what she says. I can’t predict what she’ll do and say, nor can you. But be outcome independent. If it looks like sex is on the cards but for some reason it doesn’t happen, go silent again. AND look for someone else!!
@ Eddie
Exactly. And in return, they promise to have sex with you three times a week for the rest of your life. Not going to happen. Your choice.
Keep looking.
I have 2 in rotation right now Al.
So Al, you are saying that we should always be going from girl to girl for the rest of our life? But you will always be alone. Never have anyone to take care of you or when you need something. Especially if you have no family or siblings. and don’t have any kids either.
@ Shinealight
That’s great. Then not giving a shit about what the other one does should be easy. I guess you have a soft spot for her. I am guilty of that as well. So, just let her come to you. 🙂
@ Eddie
That’s the last thing I’m saying. That’s serial monogamy and doomed to failure. Make sure you have at least 3 on the go.
If you haven’t already, read the archive here. Start with this interesting conversation from June 2015, The Only 9 Options for Men as they Age.
Above all, prepare for your older age financially and physically. This will give you options when you are older.
@Eddie
You are asking the wrong question.
Do you want a romantic relationship with a woman or a caretaker? Even if I didn’t have family or children I have had fantastic women in my life that have taken care of me when I was sick or needed something. I have done the same for them. I also have guy friends that I trust and know are there for me.
You somehow equate having a woman with a pulse by your side as somehow not being alone. I can tell you I was never lonelier that when I was with a women I didn’t want to be with due to obligation, guilt, etc.
But let’s say you decide to take the ridiculous step and settle down with one woman so that you won’t be “alone.” You are all set right? What if she leaves you? What if she dies first? What happens to your loneliness reduction strategy then?
Romantic partnership should last as long as they make both people happy and not a moment longer. That might mean you have a series of month long relationships, a few 10 year relationships and/or everything in between. But if you are focused on “settling down” you have already lost the game.
When you see the world as a place of abundance you don’t think this way. You have a scarcity mentality and that will hold you back in every single area of your life.
@whitedragon
Thanks for the insight. She isn’t my supervisor. Similar roles, different teams though. It’s been almost 6 months now since the breakup. I was able to work from a different location and hence haven’t seen her in the past 4 months.
That being said, she still pings me once in a while on office IM. For many months I had blocked that too. Absolutely no cell phones at all. All blocked. Last week she sent me a word document that she needed help with. It was for her promotion. I did spend a lot of time and made it as perfect as I could. later on she said…you always help me no matter what.
Honestly, I want her to boomerang – no lying and Dwason will be mad at me. But, I’m definitely not asking her out. She absolutely has to. I just don’t want to chit chat for a few minutes with her every other day and not have her back in my life. It hurts. I asked her out for dinner about 2-3 weeks ago but she ignored and then I had to block her for a few weeks till a few days ago. It’s fucking complicated 🙂
While this won’t always work, I’ve noticed exes especially ones that there’s a close bond too almost ALWAYS come back eventually if you just completely throw them away and ignore everything. That for me recently included blocking from Facebook etc. (which may or may not have been a bad move). We sort of ended it on an emotional note but at the end she was liking some of my Facebook status updates and posts and that’s when I removed her. I think this will make her wonder about whether I’ve found someone else etc.
In the end it seems like the more you throw them away, the harder they come back for you eventually. I wonder why that is though with women? Even hot women like my Ex that’s back with her former ex right now has plenty of choices. Why do women tend to try to migrate back to their previous Ex boyfriends when they get thrown away? I’m not disagreeing with the fact that this works, but I’m wondering what the psychology behind it is for women?
New here and hopefully dragon and dawson don’t smite me down for asking this but here goes. Ill try to keep it short and sweet
Was in a strong 5 year relationship with this girl. Started to act like an alpha 1.0. I treated her like shit, gave her every reason to leave my ass and she did, good for her, for another guy. Not sure if this is crucial information-but he is much less of a man then I am, but probably much nicer of a person. In the time we’ve been apart (almost 3 years) I’ve become full alpha and the texts from her have started., though not entirely telling. Now I am not calling this situation unique, But I am looking for opinions/advice. Thank you.
@Dwason
I have a question for you. Please do not think that I am trying to trick you. Your comments have made people think and you are very well respected here.
Q: What advice would you give to your daughter?
I ask you because I have one & I’m 36 and have a hosts of issues. If I follow the lifestyle you suggest, I wonder what will my daughter learn from me and I fear she may never settle down in the future.
Thanks for all your advices.
@ Darren
I know you didn’t ask me, but, why should your daughter settle down???? Why shouldn’t she be free and long term happy?
@Darren
Thank you. I wouldn’t have thought you were trying to trick me. lol
I have already told my daughter (she is 15 1/2) that my preference is that she not get married but if she does I will pay for it and walk her down the aisle. I have also told her that I think what people usually refer to as romantic love is a horrible basis for a romantic relationship as it causes a lack of objectivity. That healthy relationships are based on value-based affection. I have told her that she should NOT want a guy to be with her because he is committed to her (regardless of in marriage or not) but because he wants to be with her and for not other reason.
My daughter has strong views about monogamy that she isn’t ready to hear from me on but I will get there when she is a bit older. In her early 20s I expect. In terms of being exposed to my lifestyle she doesn’t meet anyone I date. Zero exceptions. She knows I date more than one woman at a time, don’t want commitment but also treat the women I am with very well. She knows I have helped some with jobs, career path, networking, etc. She knows I am friends with women I dated as much as 8-10 years ago.
The most important word in your question was “fear.” IMO that tells me a lot. What YOU want for your is irrelevant. To Al’s point (I think) all that should matter is what makes your daughter happy.
I think what my daughter understands about me and my lifestyle is that I know exactly what I want and I accept nothing less than 100% of what I want and that I am probably the happiest person she knows. My hope is that she is able to figure out (maybe with a little guidance from me) what makes her happy and then builds her life around getting exactly that.
I hope that was helpful.
Long story short.
I’m 48 my X is 38
6 weeks in the NC.
Tomorrow I have a pool party at my bro. I’ve been seeing a 25 yr old. Friend for now.
Good idea to bring along to pool party. One of my X friend.. Friends will be there I know info will get back to her …
Do you guys think it will make my X
Jealous, want to contact me , mad, should I go solo etc…
Any insights would be appreciated !!
@ James
Of course you should take her. BUT be very Outcome Independent. Your aims should be:
(1) Walk in with this girl on your arm.
(2) Have a very good time yourself.
(3) Make sure your 25 yr old has a good time too.
(4) Use this date to make her into more than a friend.
(5) Knowing that this will get back to your ex, WAIT until she contacts you then see what she says. Cross that bridge when you get to it.
(6) The main aim is to have both these girls and more in your life.
(7) And the less you give a sh1t about what happens, the better the results will be.
(8) Be happy! 😀
@ James
I think the point Al makes with #7 is the best way to look at it. Giving a crap about what the ex does, one way or the other, is giving her control over you. Outcome independence is the path to take.
@ James
Further, I hate the use of the word “ex”
An ex is always a potential “not ex”
But to treat this as getting an ex back into a monogamous relationship by making her jealous is NOT the way to go. Relationships, when left to their own devices, are transitory. Have a good swim! 🙂
Thanks good advice indeed.?
@Rob
I agree with you – work can cause some serious complications! Are things improving at all, or are they pretty much the same?
My situation has continued to devolve. If anything, she is even more dedicated to her supervisory duties – actually, she has become probably the best supervisor I’ve ever had. However, she will not talk about anything not related to work – not even the tiniest detail. It is so frustrating and, even though she smiles at me during meetings, I know that I am one step away from an HR complaint if I ever even mention our past relationship again. Worse yet, I can’t call her at night or visit her or IM her about personal things – each one could be career damaging to say the least.
I’d say that you are in a pretty good position, not seeing her for four months. The more time passes, the higher the likelihood that she’ll reach out to you on a personal topic. Boomerangs come back all of the time but, like a watched pot that never boils, seemingly nothing you do can initiate the comeback.
make a long story short, had a fling with an old highschool crush, were both unhappily married, rocked her in the sack, she ended it because I got pissy one time as the situation was stressful, she was demanding a lot of my time. I soft nexted for a year on and off, she came back, we hit the bed for about 6 months, she ended abruptly, I started soft nexting again for a year, got no where, couldn’t get a sex chat out of her, she told me a few weeks ago to let go, and move on, she didn’t think of me that way anymore, etc, I started suspecting another dude came into the picture, last week I confirmed she was leaving her husband and going to work for a this other guy. I decided to follow Blacks advice, and hit the nuclear bomb, I had worried I had been a little too pussy like over that last year as she got me to admit I had feeling for her, but alas I hit the red button, I deleted all contacts with her, twitter, facebook, blocked her text, 2 days later, 2 days later, seven email from her, trying to justify it all, I need us to stay friends, nothings happed with this guy blah blah why are you being like that, my responses have been, – I’ve enjoyed our time together and the connection we shared, I’m glad I could make you O every time, ( which I did ), if you want to feel that again let me know. I think at this point ill go black for a month or so, even if she emails me, I suspect she already slept with the other guy and it wasn’t the wow she was hoping, i’m fair bit larger than average at 6 foot 2 and about 7.9 inches, so if im betting the new guy who I know is 5.9 or so and if average is his odds hes coming in at 5 to 5.5 inches. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want this girl anymore, she a train wreck as you can tell, but id like the FB if I can keep it and I was feeling a bit beta, but now I dropped the bomb and dam if alpha hasn’t ripped through me again. So had one boomerang with her soft nexting, now I’m doing the full ignore, this is going on 3 years now, so anyone who thinks this doesn’t work, trust in Dragon.
@whitedragon
I went to the office today after 4 months. Took lots of chocolates for my friends. She IMed me….Good to see you. I said thanks and that’s it. I sent a mass email to the guys letting them know of the chocolates. BCCed her as well. She didn’t come.
I still have trouble sitting on my chair. I leave my desk and sit in the cafe for elongated period of time. I still am nervous, improved but still tough. I used to laugh a lot. Now, I hardly speak. Just work quickly, quietly, and disappear. It’s just difficult. Very difficult to move on. Thanks!
Are there any stories out there when ex does ‘not’ boomerang? And what lessons can we learn from such life moments. Not everyone is Alpha 2 like BD! Question for us mortals. Thanks,
@ amigo
Of course there are stories of never seeing a woman again. And the longer you live, the longer the list will get. But we don’t worry do we. Because we are moving on and seeing other women. Or we should be.
Mind you, some boomerangs can take years to come back.
I had a wonderful (non monogamous) relationship with a girl for about 4 years, 25 years ago. (Yeah I know, I’m giving my age away). I honestly can’t remember how we lost touch now. I still think of this girl quite regularly. She was quite a girl and we had FUN! There are good memories and I’m grateful to have known her.
Truth is, if you are coming out of a monogamous relationship with your lost boomerang and are sitting there waiting with a view to getting her back into the same monogamous relationship, you are wasting your time. Assume that she won’t be back, date lots of other women, and see what happens.
The life lesson here is that relationships are transitory, not for life. 🙂
Al, I wish & hope she also thinks of you as regularly as you think of her. I am married with a kid. Had a 6 months relationship with a wonderful woman. That broke of too. I don’t want to give the lawyers my hard earned money and I can’t date either. To this day, 7 months now, I still think of that lady almost all day long. Does she think of me? I don’t know. But as Dawson Stone said….be happy in life. If she comes, she comes and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Simple, but execution – difficult.
I’ll admit though, I hate these stressful days. I literally hate these times. Anyways, I don’t have any hope of her returning. She’s too stubborn. So I guess, I’ll get back to my dull and boring life. Peace!
I fucked up….not even two weeks into a hard next i drove to her house and threw an article of clothing she bought me as a gift in her driveway. I banged two girls that day prior. Im getting lots of pussy and im still having an extremely hard time with this. I’m going to blow it. Someone fuckin help me here i feel like im suffering some major drug withdrawels here. Thank u.
I have one question I thought about:
In the article it mentions that you can check up on her facebook 4-6 months later, I havent unfriended my ex but I have unfollowed her and I dont see her page at all anymore since I stopped caring as much.
However I acted beta with her in the past and she is seeing someone else now, I know she still have feelings left for me but im ignoring her now and moving on until she makes an effort. Deep down I want her back which is obvious otherwise I wouldnt take my time to post this.
What I was thinking though:
Should I delete her from facebook to send a signal that I want to move on and that im not ok with her past behaviour (numerous flakes, disrespectful actions and she dumped me for someone else wanting to remain friends)? Or should I just continue living my life and be happy and avoid looking at her page. What im thinking is that she might think I am ok with her past behaviour if I still remain friends with her on facebook and by unfriending her I will move on faster and also send a message to her. Just want to say that I made it clear to her that im not interested in being her friend overall.
I know this is overanalyzing I was doing very well for myself but today I ran into her and her new BF and I just ignored them and didnt say anything but it still hurts to be constantly reminded of my beta actions and her moving on.
What makes me happier though is that im still young and shes older and in 5-10 years she will be uglier and cant rely on her looks while I can go out and be a complete stud living my life to the fullest until im 60+.
Thanks.
@Frankie
No you don’t. You don’t know shit and quite frankly you shouldn’t care. She might. She might not. If it isn’t irrelevant to you then you have completely missed the point.
Which is why you won’t get her back.
No. You should delete her from your Facebook because you have no self control and can’t be trusted to not do something stupid. Don’t send a signal you want to move on (are you like 15 years old?) ACTUALLY move on
Honestly if you guys could just hear how you sound! Why would any chick want to fuck you if you are such pussies?
It isn’t that complicated. Create a great life for yourself. Friends. Career. Wealth. Health and fitness. Amazing women. Just enjoy your life and the people in it for as long as they are in it.
Whenever you have a scarcity mentality it fucks up your decision making abilities. Any time you get even a hint of oneitis you have by definition created a scarcity mentality and it will get you a sub-optimal outcome.
@Amigo
In my experience the biggest factor is if you were emotionally punishing when things ended. The bigger asshole you were the less likely the boomerang.
Don’t get me wrong, they can and still do sometimes boomerang but that is the single biggest factor.
One thought about boomerangs though. I have had well over 200 boomerangs in my life (I actually have no clue the actual number but it is at least that many) and I have yet to have an experience where it was as good as before. They are older. Not in as good shape. And you have already fucked them…many many times in some cases. More importantly there was a reason things ended. And people generally don’t change. What you will almost always feel after the boomerang is “Oh yea, that’s why things didn’t last.”
So I am as willing to accept an easy boomerang as much as the next guy but realize a new chick will almost always outperform any boomerang.
Boomerangs… I don’t think I’ve ever had one not come back. I’ve had old High School flames pop back up YEARS after. But you have to not want it. You have to not even be thinking about it. I’ve never had one come back while they were on my mind. If they did it would have been a mess. As stated here many times, you have to let it go. While you’re sitting around wondering she’s out getting some new D.
Dawson your right. On the other hand.. i really don’t think you can do anything to curve a womans attraction for you permanently simply by acting like a wuss. Pretty much every woman that i’ve stayed in contact with on a friendly or at times a non-friendly basis has ALWAYS come back to fuck me. As a matter of fact the ones ive acted like the biggest pussy around have been more likely to come back after i haven’t contacted them of course. Women will always be attracted to the man that they knew to begin with. When you start acting like a pussy, they leave. When you go back to being yourself the attraction comes back. The best thing about it is that its up to you whether you want to get them back in the sak at that point. We all really sometimes forget that its about what we want. What we want we get.
When you fall into the pussy trap they leave you there until you find a way to climb your ass out.
Remember it works both ways. Just think about when they end up in the cock trap..makes you wanna run dont it?
This was my text to her this morning….I haven’t had a verbal conversation with her in 3 months and my last text was week ago..This was my text this morning….
Me:
You have my vacuum . please drop it off and put it by my front door.
Her reply :
You said that you wouldn’t be ugly to me if things didn’t work out. That is a huge lie. I worked off you paying for my school. You had to have known that cashing a $750 check on the first week of the month, when my rent, car payment, insurance payment etc are due would put me in a bad financial position.I would never do anything like that to you. I’ll gladly give you back your vacuum and sound bar. Thank you for wasting two years of my life. Please stop contacting me.
P.S. – Just give you a little background. I was dating this girl fro 2.5 years and She decided to break it off because I wasn’t paying her enough attention, i was working too much, and she felt I wasn’t going to move forward an get engaged. We have been broken up for about 5 weeks. She started dating someone else and the guy she was dating was posting pictures on instagram of both of them.
I found a check in my drawer for $750.00 that she gave me in January for her college classes. i never cashed it then because I knew she was struggling financially so i was being supportive boyfriend at the time. I figured our relationship was now over so why not cash it and move on. She obviously wasn’t happy about it
I also don’t want the sound bar, just my vacuum:)
Any thoughts on what I should text back to her from the above reply she gave me this morning or if I should even respond?
Thanks
@ johnny017
These are her telling words:
This actually means, please keep in touch.
So, leave it where it is. Don’t contact her. When she gets in touch later, which she will, complaining that you haven’t contacted her, you can rightly say that you were respecting her wishes as expressed in her last text to you (which I would keep). 🙂
Ok, Thanks for the advice. That’s good way to look at it. If she brings back the vacuum is that a good sign ?
I also still have her as a friend on my FB page, should I unfriend her or leave it as is?
Thanks
@ johnny017
I wouldn’t do anything, (you mentioned Facebook but now your post has changed) even if you think it will make you feel better. 🙂
Vacuum cleaner????? Hardly the most important thing is it?? She will or she won’t. You can’t read anything into that.
Leave everything as it is and disappear.
By the way. I would also translate, “Thank you for wasting two years of my life” as, “It was a good two years but you didn’t blow fairy dust up my ass often enough.”
She almost called you an asshole. That’s what you want to hear.
She has someone else so she feels free to give drama to you.
And if you do get back together, for god’s sake don’t get engaged, or married, or move in. Make it clear what you want.
Good point, Thanks. She apparently didn’t get what she wanted so she moved on……LOL.
What is the usual time frame when she will come back begging? or do i need to reach out an initiate contact during a certain point in time?
Opinions vary but I don’t contact them first.
Ok, I’ ll go out and have fun and chase other women then. If she comes back around, then more fun for me:) Apparently, she wasn’t solid girlfriend material if she bailed on me and had no loyalty. She showed her true colors by doing this. I’m assuming most of them come back around eventually?
Thanks
Yes! 🙂
Yes! 🙂
Why are you looking for solid girlfriend material? If she was your girlfriend, then she had you in boyfriend mode. That’s a big no no.
She behaved the way the majority of women behave. It’s not her fault. Society has told her since she was 4 that she’s a princess and should expect to be treated like one. It’s not her fault. Men compound the error by putting up with this.
I’m assuming most of them come back around eventually?
Two weeks to two years, though she’ll do a fishing trip at about 2 months probably.
@Johnny017
OK I am going to call a spade a spade here.
You were being a dick and you knew you were being a dick. You didn’t give a crap about the vacuum. That was just an excuse to engage her.
Depositing a check after months 9 months was also a dick move. At a minimum you should expect she might have forgotten that check was still outstanding. Instead of asking her to drop off the vacuum you could have told her you stumbled on the check and wanted to make sure it was OK to deposit. That would have been a way to re-engage her without being a dick…although you SHOULD’NT be re-engaging at all. All you have done is validated her decision to dump you by being a dick. Way to go!
And Al, I have to disagree. She isn’t saying they were two good years and she damn straight isn’t saying please keep in touch. He was an asshole and she was understandably calling him an asshole.
You were emotionally punishing (and a dick) just because your ego was bruised. Own it and move the fuck on. If you want this chick to boomerang in the future (and I am not saying you should want that) I would put the $750 back in her account, rip up the check, apologize and tell her to keep the vacuum and that you put the money back. Before she even has an opportunity to respond, delete her off FB, Twitter, block her email, block her phone. It will actually bug her a little that she doesn’t get to say “thank you.” It is human nature.
You probably won’t take my advice but that is the best way to get this chick to boomerang down the road when the memory of your dickishness has faded and she recalls that in the end you were decent with her.
@ Dawson
All I can say is that in my experience, the more a woman huffs and blows at break up time and calls you an asshole etc. including, “never contact me again” the more likely she is to be back, quite quickly. You don’t contact them of course, but it’s something I like to hear from them. The more insults they throw, the better, though it may of course be an indication that you don’t actually want to bother with them again if it gets really bad. But it’s a good indicator.
When they disappear quietly, don’t say anything, and are indifferent, then there’s a good bet you aren’t going to see them again.
But experiences vary no doubt.
Ok, I’m trusting your judgement. Just to clarify, you would like for me to text her back, put $750 into her bank account and then tell her to keep the vacuum and unfriend her on facebook? Doesn’t this show that I’m giving her the power/control back in her hands?
I thought you suggested for me to go through the No Contact period until she reaches out to me?
What do you tell your ex who wants to have sex with you but doesn’t think “it’s a good idea” because she has in a NRE
@Johnny017
You need to undo (as much as you can) the damage you have done. So listen carefully here. Do things in EXACTLY this order.
1. Put back the $750 into her account.
2. Remove her from all forms of communication except text (because that is the last step)
3. Send her this exact text: “I really want to apologize for blindsiding you by depositing the check. I felt bad and re-deposited the money in your account and the funds should be available immediately. Consider the debt paid. And never mind about the vacuum. Keep it. Give it to charity. Whatever. I am really sorry things ended badly and that is probably my fault. I want nothing but the best for you. Be well.”
4. IMMEDIATELY block her number so you can’t get calls or texts from her.
Believe it or not THIS will give you back the power if you don’t pussy out and contact her before she contacts you (which she almost certainly will.)
It will feel like an itch she can’t scratch to thank you for being decent in the end and every time she looks at that vacuum it will remind her that ultimately you were a good guy. Her memories of your being a dick will fade and she will remember the better times.
It might take 3 months. It might take 3 years. I have had boomerangs happen as much as EIGHT years later. Move on. Find new girls to enjoy and spend time with.
People think that by blocking someone they won’t reach out them, but in my experience exactly the opposite is true. They try HARDER when you have cut them from your life. They will create a new email account, drunk text you from a friend’s phone, re-friend you on FB, etc. If they want to reach you it is easy as can be. If they aren’t reaching you it isn’t because you blocked them it is because they haven’t been trying.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it is ambivalence. You need to race towards ambivalence as quickly as possible.
@Al
This is not my experience. Some women do boomerang no matter how shitty you end things but in my experience boomerang rates are way higher (and better boomerangs) when things ended well.
But as you say, your milage may vary. 🙂
Ok, I feel like a weak pussy sending her a check back for 750. Since she still never paid be the additional 750 on top of that. Plus, She is also dating another dude already
Doesn’t it look like I’m being submissive?
She can be controlling as it is and likes to get her way …….lol
I have no problem blocking her calls, not answering her texts, and removing her on FB but As long as you are sure this will have her come back crawling, then it sounds good to me.
I see that Al had a different opinion
Please advise which one you feel will have the most success…..
@Johnny017
You were being a weak pussy by being a passive aggressive dick. The fact that she is dating another dude is irrelevant.
And you need to BLOCK her texts not ignore them. If you don’t see them you can’t have a weak moment.
Do what you want. No sweat off my balls either way.
Ok, I see what your saying. I guess I need to mail a check to her because I don’t have her bank account info and then send the text once I mail her the check?
It will probably take a day to get there.
She can manipulate and this seems like she will get satisfaction because she sent a manipulating text, but I’m taking your word for it 😉
@Johnny
If you know her bank you can get them to look up her account info for you. Takes two seconds.
Good luck.
Dawson, Are there any other suggestions ?
I’m still little hesitant on sending her out a check. Thanks
Nope.
I think I’ll just stop all contact with her like you mentioned in your previous email. She’s done enough damage to me that I never rubbed in her face. She’s obviously angry for several reasons and I was plenty good to her. She was the one that chose to end the relationship with me and move on. At this point in time, I don’t see the justification to send her a check. I’m sure she already regrets her decision to move on and maybe her feelings will change down the road. If she was loyal to me, she would of tried to work it out. My feelings may change tomorrow but at this time, I guess there is not much I can do but move forward. I haven’t seen her once ask me how am i doing or what i have been up too? It’s all what can i do for HER and beating me down constantly that I didn’t pay enough attention, and I work too much, blah, blah, blah, etc. Is she just full of anger and hurt? I never chased her after she sent me the break up email b/c that was her choice.
Hi Black dragon,
I really love your article. It gives me hope of getting my ex back. My case is different, I was the one who dumped her because her actions, her excuses for being not available to meet me, her sudden change of plans on Saturdays ( to go out with her other friends) were indicating that she is dating and sleeping with someone else too. So I told her that this doesn’t work anymore. she tried to call me a few times after but I didn’t pick up her phone calls. Since then, she has never contacted me, mostly because I gave her even a better gift of leaving her so she could have more time to be with her new lover. but I missed her so much!!! I really wish if she would call me. It has been about 4 weeks since I dumped her, and I haven’t contacted her since.
My question:
since I was the one who broke up with her and I was the one who didn’t respond her phone calls, would your method still work? would you think that she would call me even if I was the one who broke up with her? I will follow your advice and will not contact her for more than 4 months. I am not even thinking to contact her ever since she was the one who cheating on me. but from bottom of my heart I still like her and wish her back! please tell me your advice!
Thank you so much! I really hope to hear from you!
best regards!
Jake
Hey dawson, I wrote her a page letter and then included the 750 check. I’ll keep you posted if/or when their is a response
Whats the next step? Should I block her from every social media site? I just want to make sure that I’m covering everything.
Thanks
@Johnny017
Dude you followed none of my instructions.
I told you to block her first on every form of communication except text
You didn’t do that.
I told you to deposit the money back into her account
You didn’t do that either…you mailed her a check.
I told you to then send her a text.
You didn’t do that either…you wrote her a letter.
Now you are asking me if you should do step 1 now that you ignored steps 1 – 4.
Hopeless.
@Jake
My advice is work on your self esteem. You want someone that treated you badly and isn’t into you. That can only end badly.
She cannot and will not respect someone that accepted her for cheating. If she doesn’t respect you, no way you can have a healthy relationship with her.
Become the type of person that people respect and admire…not for her but for yourself. Develop yourself interpersonally, professionally, physically. Have deep and varied friendships. See the world. Read.
She might come back and if she does resist the urge to fall back in with her. If you can keep from going beta, have sex with her if she comes back but that’s it. Anything else is just asking for punishment.
“She cannot and will not respect someone that accepted her for cheating. If she doesn’t respect you, no way you can have a healthy relationship with her.” And honestly, can you ever trust her enough to get back into it? Can you really? No.
Thanks Dawson, Your advice is deep and just. You’r right.
@ Dawson and @ Calm:
Only one thing I should add to this equation. She had never admitted that she was cheating on me and I did not have any hard evidence to prove that she was cheating, and I have never saw her with any other guy. but her action and absences, her sudden change of plans, and not haven’t sex with me for long, her text messaging to others while being with me, and not being available on most weekends (for different reasons such as being sick or her friends coming to visit,….) all indicated that she was seeing someone. we only had sex like once every 2nd or 3rd weekends. So I didn’t tell her that I was breaking up with her because she was cheating, instead I told her that this doesn’t work for us anymore. because we hardly see each other and she is not available often. She said that she would correct this situation as of next upcoming weekends. but that was not enough for me to justify her past action. I had already a broken heart as I could see that she was not honest with me enough. So I didn’t answer her call after and I have broken all ties with her since.
@ Dawson, I agree with you 100%. I have to work a lot on my self-esteem, my self belief, and more…
@ Calm, you are right. she can not be trusted anymore. Yet, we had so much memories together, That’s so hard for me to believe that I can not and will not see her one day again! even though I know that I should let her go.
Hey Dawson,
Should I just go complete No Contact for now? I think she has her mind on someone else since she told me to please stop contacting her.
@Johnny
Jesus…YES…NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN! LIKE NEVER. Is that clear? NEVER!
If she contacts you immediately escalate to sex. If she agrees to it and you feel you can trust yourself to not be a pussy again then have sex with her. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.
Got it. I never decided to deposit the 750 into her bank account. At this point, is that irrelevant?
What do you think?
I’ve heard some guys asked to either block on not block on Facebook. This all depends, can you handle them in their NRB or not if they get a new guy, if you don’t give a rats ass, then leave them on, I just hit the un-follow button and pay no attention to them ( I actually un-follow her and her close friends, so they become a non issue ) , the other bonus is they can see when other chicks are liking your posts and updates. The Boomerang I’m working on emailed me 8 times in 2 weeks because I blocked her, so I unblocked her and in my last email I escalated to the idea of us being intimate, and she went silent again, but liked my b-day status so I know she watching my page, that’s fine, I just hit un-follow and continue to like the posts of other chicks I’m interested in. The un-follow option is your friend, also by not blocking them your sending a message your indifference.
Dawson,
I was never an asshole. On the contrary, I treated her really well. I helped her with her work, experimented with food so that I could make her something amazing, gifted her lots of things. Anyways it all pointless now. She did say that she wouldn’t leave me and she didn’t. I did. I was frustrated because I wasn’t able to spend enough time with her. Anyways, it’s just that I was so emotionally involved that I still think of her. No contact though. Such is life, we love someone so dearly and yet that person doesn’t give a rat’s ass. I’ll get over it, I’m sure. It’s been 7 months, another few and I’ll won’t think of her as much. Thanks,
If I block my ex girlfriend from facebook would the make her angry or get her to come back chasing a little bit?
@ johnny017
Mate, this is a woman we are talking about. You have no idea how she will react.
Fundamentally, this blog, this post, is not about having one woman, losing her, and getting her back again. Although some of the techniques proposed here can be used to do that if you really want to go down that route.
It is about having a few women in your life and how to deal with them if they bail. And some of them will.
I am a firm believer in leaving the door open. BUT, you never chase them. NEVER.
To my mind, ‘unfriending’ someone is immature and childish. It’s like sticking your tongue out at someone in the school yard. Plus, you’ll never know what message it sends.
So with discipline, I repeat, DISCIPLINE, you can leave all the communication channels open. Why? For a start, I want to know how they are thinking. So I want to see their messages, emails etc. if they send them. But, IGNORE what they are doing, or not doing, on other social media.
By blocking, unfriending, liking or not liking etc. etc., you are giving them information which they shouldn’t have and it shows you up for being emotional and silly, rather than indifferent.
So, disappear, don’t say a word and just show your total indifference.
When they contact you, DO NOT react. Take plenty of time to respond (if you want to, you don’t have to) and respond with your brain, not your dick.
I know others don’t agree with me but there we are. But if you do this, you can at least get her back as an FB. Farting about on social media to try to score points is a waste of time. You should be out and about looking for someone else.
@ johnny017
Congrats son, you have gone from being an dick to being a dick and a pussy. What part of the instructions given above by @dawson was too difficult for you to understand.
Block the bitch everywhere. Pay attention to your account after a week or two to see if she’s withdrawn the money. Whenever she does, you at least know she’s got it.
Lastly, stop wanting her to come back. Give zero fucks at to what she does or with whom she does it. Just live your life on and be happy. U do know this bitch isn’t even in the top 3 billionth most beautiful woman on earth. You are a man, stand up and meet other girls.
@ johnny017
Use the un-follow button, its stealth unfriending, they never know about it, and her friends if you’ve added any of them. They wont show up in your feed any more. If you really want to test the Facebook unfriend, Deactivate your account, and see if she contacts you, when you deactivate its takes you off Facebook until you re- log and then restores everything. So Jonny de-activate your account and take a break from Facebook, if she contacts you and wants to be re added, say your taking a Facebook break, and when you re activate, un-follow her, and disappear, and start giving zero fucks about her, I know its hard at first but every week, meet a new chick doesn’t matter if you fuck then or not, just start meeting new ones and give zero fucks.
Hey just one question reading here.
It says in the post you should ignore the girl COMPLETELY, but then its stated that you should use social media later on to rekindle with her.
My question if I would like to rekindle with her in the future:
Should I keep her or delete her from social media, what impact diffrences would it make?
I mean ignoring her means deleting her from social media too I assumed, or it means just moving on with life and not give a fuck at all.
Regards
Josef
Having her on Facebook is irrelevant, ignore her post and don’t look at her page, un-follow her. If its to tempting to like or comment on her page, delete her, if you cant stand seeing her in NRB delete her, Facebook is a tool, like a text, it doesn’t matter if she on it or not, ignore her, if she checking your page out and liking a post or a pic, that’s a good thing, it means your still on her mind, but continue to ignore her until she contacts you. So here it is, I recommend not deleting her, unless she been the ultimate bitch, unfollow her and her friends, and ignore her, leave her the door to see how awesome your life is.
have you ever seen an ex girlfriend never come back around after she dumps you?
Johny
My wife is a ex boomerang, it took 6 years no contact but we had a nasty break up in our youth, I’m afraid with your story, and after what has occurred, you might need to wait a while, the key is you have to be a dominate male, or they wont be interested. The lady I was with was a close friend from high school whom I never slept with at the time but we were emotionally close, she contacted me 10 years later, we had a fling, then we didn’t talk much for an other 10 years, then we had a 3 year on and off fling, i’m now in full no contact again, as she is in NRB and has left her husband for a beta male who wife just passed away and he is promising all sorts of shit, she had a bit of an email tantrum on me when I deactivated facebook, I took this as a good sign that she need some visual window to me even if she is in NRB, one or two years she’ll be board of it. Yes some ex don’t, but any of the ones I had a close bond with, they did
Ok, Thanks for the advice and the insight. You advise to go No Contact for 4 months? if she doesn’t contact me prior to that, right?
johnny017
Ive read your story, and it sounded like you were a good guy with her ( probably to good ), and she was selfish ( but most women are selfish little creatures, the act of them boomeranging is a selfish one ), but emotionally punishing in the end, and that will be fresh in her mind. She moved on with some one else. So you’ll have to wait this out, if the new guy is a dick or super beta or not, hopefully her memories of you being punishing will fade and she will remember the good guy, Personally i wouldn’t contact her at all until she made some reach out to you.
Ok, will do. Looking back on it, I was very Alpha at the beginning of the relationship and then became Beta towards the last 6 months. I got too comfortable with her and let he make decisions that I shouldnt of allowed. I gave in with her towards the end. She had certain needs that I could provide to her, but I should of held back on a bunch of them. Dumb move on my part. She was probably testing me too. That’why , I’m kicking myself looking back on it…..lol
@johnny
Further to the above comments by od_dude, I would add that you shouldn’t be “waiting out” anything. Concentrate on MOVING ON from this person. Time to live your life dude. Focus on work. Travel. Meet new people, including women. What’s done is done. Put it behind you and have some fucking fun.
Put BD’s 4 month no contact window out of your mind. Yeah, it works, but only after I forgot all about the person and was seeing other women. Just an add to the rotation. And believe others on here when they say it’s not the same the second time around.
FORGET HER and go have fun.
@jonny
SJ is correct, my words wait it out went the write choice, what i should have said is dont expect anything from this girl at this point, given the situation she may or may not come around again, but if any boomerang happens its might be a few years away. As SJ says, you’ll need to be with other women, and dont worry about fucking them or not, i make friends with tons of women, make plans for for drinks, a party, a sports game what ever, if it leads to fucking great if it doesn’t what ever, i learn’t a long time ago, stop trying to fuck them, and just be a great, funny, confident dude around them, and they will let you know when they want to fuck, and if they dont other girls see you around lots of wemon, so its win or win for you, this will double your formers attraction , if your sucking eggs for months, you dont look like much of a catch.
I received this email this morning from my ex…..Any suggestions how I should respond? Thanks
I have an interview today with a home health company for part time nursing work. I would appreciate a professional reference regarding working for Bentley, as it has no reflection on our personal relationship. Please let me know if you are unwilling to do so.
If you had blocked her email address like I told you to this would be a non-issue.
Block her email NOW and don’t respond.
Will do…. . I will get my I.T Tech to block it on the company server. Should I still respond since she worked for my company for 2 years and needs a reference for a potential new position?
johnny017
Lol dude, are you special or something? It doesn’t matter if she worked for your company her entire life.
Block this bitch with a quickness and don’t reply
Lol….i fucked up then. i replied with “absolutely, no prob”
Bad move, right?
I have blocked her now on everything
“Should I still respond since she worked for my company for 2 years and needs a reference for a potential new position?”
do you have a HR person or someone else, if so, forward it to her or him cc to her that its been forwarded to them to handle, then block her,
Dawson is correct, but she has a right to a reference if she was employed by your company and was a fair worker, remember you dont want to be emotionally punishing, you can be indifferent.
the boomerang i was working on caught me on Facebook chat last night, i didn’t even realize i had it on, she chatted to me for 30 mins, i just made some light comments made her laugh and was outcome indifferent, i then politely said i needed to run, i wasn’t going to pitch a meet, because it to soon, i still think she in her new relationship, anyways, i’m leaving Facebook chat turned off, if she persist on contact i will pitch a meet. Its interesting how this works, I’ve been no contact for month, except one email where she got upset that i had blocked her Facebook, but i hadn’t i just deactivated to see if she would care, i really wasn’t expecting to hear from her for a 6 months or a year
johnny017
why didn’t you wait for our reply, it would have been better to ignore her, or did what i said forwarded it to her supervisor on the job to deal with, a personal response from you, bad move.
Dawson, 200 boomerangs!! Boy, I want to see the contacts in your phone 😀 how do you even remember the ladies? No wonder they all would feel amazing since you can’t remember how it was with them 🙂 did they ever mentioned if they ever missed you, a little or a lot or not at all? Amazing life you live.
My bad, the email came in this morning and I just responded quickly, not putting much thought into it. If she decides to email me again , i will wait on your response.
I’ve cut off all contact , I haven’t had a verbal conversation with her on the phone in over 2 months and I haven’t reached out to her. I’m doing all the steps that you advise: Just ignore her. Don’t text her. Don’t call her. Don’t email her. Don’t Facebook her. Don’t “like” or comment on anything she posts on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or anything else. Completely vanish out of her life, like you were never there.
Like i said before, she is in a NRB now so I’ll just be non existent. That’s what you advise, right?
Thanks for the help
@johnny017
Stop lying, you haven’t blocked this bitch. It’s like you love pain huh?
You are playing games with yourself and you’re hurting yourself. This girl has no power over you at all. She wasn’t meant to your wife, soulmate or any of the garbage you read about. It was your turn to be with her when you were with her, she’s gone now, meaning its your turn to be with another girl.
The steps really is for moving on, not for getting her back. Forget about that whore, move on for real.. When you are well and truly moved on, she will reach out to you (they always do), escalate to sex pronto. I don’t even care how you tell her, just make sure she knows if y’all are to hang, you are gonna have to bang her butt-hole. If she doesn’t agree to sex, cut the conversation with a quickness and be no contact until she contacts you again, rinse and repeat step..
You biggest problem is that you are using your heart when thinking about this girl, stop it
Fuck me… I came back here after 2 weeks vacation in Europe and I see stories about vacuums, a dude being asked by an ex that previously dumped him to help her out… TOTAL INSANITY!
I bought my ex a freakin’ TV as a token of appreciation for LEAVING MY HOUSE! Since then, life has never been better. I decide who and when to take out a particular girl. Got 2 on rotation right now… I’m getting older ya know? 😛
After 8 long years, I am finally living on MY terms once again! Life is once again wonderful!!!
JESUS
Do you think my girlfriend will come back to me because when she left me for another boy because i was too controlling. On texts to her i called her a slag etc then in group chat her and her new boyfriend pissed me of so i said to him “bro i shagged your bird” and she messaged me saying you got no respect i think i just made her completely hate me since then iv got my phone back from her and iv had no contact whatsoever when i asked her on the day of breakup do you love him she said give me some time man by the way that dude is like an hour away from our town and shes only 16 she dont go out much besides school should i continue no contact and see how it goes
@ Aj al
Dude, if you fucking 16 year olds, i assume your under 18, please go out and continue to fuck as many as you can, there must be thousands of them with in a few kilometers of every neighborhood. And Yes when you walk away stop being emotionally punishing, name calling etc, fuck what part of this blog dont you guys read, Your response when they dump your ass is ” i’m sorry you feel that was, i enjoyed the time we had together, id do all over again, i wish you the best, blah blah blah, then you vanish, you dont text. you dont call, you dont happen to show up where they are, you dont like or comment on Facebook or twitter, you vanish and find other girls. You were emotionally punishing bad move, now leave it be, her new boyfriend will get sick of the commute soon enough, if she contacts you cool, if not why worry about it.
@ od_dude
Should i appologize for what i said then vanish
depends how long its been no contact, if its only been a few days then a quick text, Apologies for your controlling ways, thank her for the time you’ve had, and apologies for being ass, wish her nothing but the best. Then vanish totally, in time she will forget your assness and remember the fun times, then meet new girls, as BD says. Dude your young, you have time and thousands of options, all the time in the world, there will be way hotter girls in your life, trust me.
This is you best option to ever have want a chance with them again, if you run after them like puppies, they go further into being turned off, especially if they have a new boy. you have no choice.
I split up with my ex 5 months ago, we had an amazing and passionate 8 month relationship but towards the end of it i think i went from an alpha to beta and i feel she lost respect for me. When we broke up i made the mistake of chasing her for a few weeks trying to get her back what i regret now. Eventually she told me do not contact her again, I wrote her an email saying i would respect this. Its now been 4 months of NC and I haven’t heard from her in this time. I understand that i fucked up and should of walked away with dignity.
In the the last 4months I’ve been working out and have really improved myself. Ive been on a few dates and have slept with a couple of girls since. I go out with friends and have meet some beautiful girls. Im enjoying life now and don’t think about my ex that much. But that said i would still like to meet up with her just to see how she is. In an ideal world if i was to see her i would like it to escalate straight to sex.
So my question is should i contact her and if so how should i do it as i fucked up massively when we broke up. Should i apologise for how i acted or not mention it and just meet for a drink?
Any thoughts would be great to hear.
Thanks
@snowman
Are you blind? You know the fucking answer to your own question so quit being such a pussy.
Don’t contact her EVER and if you haven’t blocked her from all social media and other forms of communication do so now
Make her work to get back in your life and on your dick.
@snowman
in addition, I have advocated keeping them on Facebook, but the one I was NC, was liking my post and sending me Facebook messages, with no results, so If they are playing stupid pay attention to me games, block them fully on media except for text. After I fully blocked the girl, I got some lame ass email, how I’m not being there for her, and she would support me blah blah, this while she’s mounting some other guys dick. You really cant rationalise their hamster brain logic, so don’t bother, total block, take satisfaction if they are still trying to get attention, if means the new man isn’t really rocking them in sack, the NRE they are in is a weak one will fade faster. Like Dawson said in earlier post the more they whine at the end, the more likely they will rebound.
@Dawson:
Become the type of person that people respect and admire…not for her but for yourself. Develop yourself interpersonally, professionally, physically. Have deep and varied friendships. See the world. Read.
This is the crux. What type of books do you recommend to start with? I really want to get her out of my head. Thanks
The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged
Both by Ayn Rand
Hey Dawson, I started reading a self help book that my friend gave me about an year ago. 3 days of reading has already helped me. Don’t think of her as much, though that time is still a lot.
One question I have. Everyone on this board keeps on saying….as soon as she contacts you escalate to sex. How do you do this? After so many months without her, my feelings have subsided. Not disappeared but reduced. She has contacted me a few times but just hi hello, nothing more. I politely reply and end the conversation by saying all is well and hope same with you. How do I take a conversation from hi hello to sex? Thanks
@ George
Do you have any flirting skills? If you are politely ending the conversation immediately, you’ll never succeed. Sounds like you may already be in friend zone territory.
Depends on the girl, but in general, I like to be bold on text. Lots of girls love it. Earlier today I had to cancel on a FB cause a better option came up. I told her sorry, and “I can’t wait to rip that hot little jump suit off you next week.” She replied immediately “:))))) Tuesday?” My point is a lot of women love that stuff and it sounds like you’re holding back.
This is an EX. Who cares what happens? If she is contacting you, there is a reason why (whether it’s to maintain platonic connections with you, or otherwise). Instead of ending the conversation, get some back and forth action going. Be flirtatious. You don’t have to be a pervert, but flirt. If she’s receptive, you suggest she come over.
Dude, you’ll know pretty quickly whether or not she’s interested.
I received this email from my ex girlfriend this morning. . I need advice on how to respond? Is it really about the reference? Please advise , thanks
You should be contacted at work by Graystone Health for my PRN home health shifts. I started at Bentley Global around 3-13, and ended approx. 1-15.
Thank you for the reference.
@Johnny13 Yes I would say that is completely about the reference. Don’t respond, give the reference, and let it go.
Yes SJ, I feel I’m in the friend zone territory and I hate it and I can’t do it.
I rather not talk to her at all and that’s why I always politely ended all conversations. Fuck how do I get out of this mess? I’ll just stay calm and quite I guess.
George says
How do you unfriend zone your self? its simple, when they contact you and attempt to chit chat you on friend zone terms, you remind that you are not friends, and that you made them scream and orgasm many times in the past, you’ve had you fingers knuckle deep in their pussy, and they have sucked your cock, you and her aren’t friends and you still want that. They will most likely respond with well we aren’t that now, or they are with some one else, you then end the conversation wish them the best, then you disappear no with contact. If they again contact you in the future, you can be friendly and but you can escalate, because you’ve made it clear and they will know this, your aren’t going to be friend zoned, they might still be resistant, but they wont be contacting you with out expecting you to try or wanting you to try. If you get resistance rinse and repeat. Understand this isn’t a quick turn around, it cant take months, to years.
How should I respond to the text below? I was leaving the gym in my car after my workout and I saw my ex girlfriend on the sidewalk on the way into the gym and i honked at her.
A few hours later , i received a text ” Did you honk at me this morning” ?
I responded with “Yea, it was me”
She responded with, ” I see that you got your proverbial porsche status. I am happy for you ”
How should I respond?
Thanks for the advice
@George
First off, hopefully, you have options besides your ex who friend zoned you. If not GET SOME ASAP.
Personally, I wouldn’t announce “I don’t want to be friends” if she contacts you again. Make your intentions clear through ACTIONS. Casually ask her to hang out within only a couple of text exchanges. Suggest your place. If she agrees, set up the meet not too far into the future. Move things along quickly, but casually.
If she says no, shrug it off, IGNORE any texts/contact she makes going forward unless it’s clear she’s begging for your dick, and continue seeing the women you are (hopefully) already seeing.
How should I respond to the text below? I was leaving the gym in my car after my workout and I saw my ex girlfriend on the sidewalk on the way into the gym and i honked at her.
A few hours later , i received a text ” Did you honk at me this morning” ?
I responded with “Yea, it was me”
She responded with, ” I see that you got your proverbial porsche status. I am happy for you ”
How should I respond?
Thanks for the advice
johnny@13
why the hell did you honk at her, your not listening, its no contact period, the honk was to get her attention.
Her comment was condescending, you are friend zoned,
I’m a dumb ass….lol What should I do now ?
SJ, OD_DUDE, thanks for your advice.
Wow, so I fucked up twice now 🙂 as Dawson said, I blocked her from every corner. She reached out to my friends and was asking about me. So I unblocked her and then she reached out to me about 5-6 times all hi hellos though. I killed that too. Man, I fuck up at all stages.
Now I wait for another hi hello from her. Man, anyone would give up by now. Let’s see if she reaches out to me? If not, I will reach out to her in the weekend with a question asking for some advice. Will keep you posted. Txs
Im 51 years old . My problem is women in general are not attracted to me for some reason and Im not sure why. Im 6 1 225 lbs lean muscular. Im at worst a decent looking guy and look 10years younger than I am. Im very intelligent,funny as hell and make good money. At this point I pretty much accept this is the way it is. Every once in a while I get lucky and find some gal who’s really interested in me that I really like. When that ends its very hard not to screw up and chase them because they are so difficult to replace. I cant just go fuck other women because its such a fucking chore to get a half way decent one in the 1st place. I found the best thing to do is get completely away from women for awhile otherwise I get so demoralized it effects other aspects if my life. Its cool to know there are guys out there who know how to do this stuff on here. Go get em
George
im in a No contact play right now, this girl has left her beta husband, moved in with another beta, who is also giving her a job, how lame is that, she was emailing me crap last week, that they were just friends blah blah, and she needed me a as a friend, the classic ill friend zone you and keep you as a back up, i remind her we aren’t friends and that the way it is. Anyways i’ve totally blacked her out, blocked her friends on FB as well, every form of contact, except and crappy Hotmail account, is her only access now. That’s it, i now walk for 6 to 8 months period or more, she has to get through her NRE period, which will burn fast, as they are moving in together to soon, she already a cheater and trying to stay in contact with me, and now hes her boss, that will break soon enough, as they are both selfish and needy. Its all about just understanding their new situations and forgetting about them and finding new girls.
HAHHA as I’m typing i get an email, its been a week, just ignore them, if you were good to them, made them cum, and treated them emotionally well, while being Alfa ( i admittedly became too Alfa 1.0 in the end and even admitted my feelings, and got frustrated when she said no, but what ever ), they come back eventually, there egos cant handle you walking away like they were nothing.
George and johnny
Her email to me was a pouty, “I guess” this was her response to my block email a week ago, i know dam well she saw it long before today, and has been sulking.
Last week, she wanted to be friend, i reminder her we have been sleeping together on and off for 3 years, i wished her wellness and happiness, i’m sorry you dont want to be with me again, i loved our time, i hope you life turns out great.
Now she has had multiple opportunities to see me the last 6 months and flaked, her “I guess” comment is her attempt to manipulate, i know this, there will be no response, zero, do not play into it, be confident you were awesome to them, go let them have some shitty beta sex for a while, they will be board soon enough. I suspect she been with this other guy for at least 4 months, and it would appear its already boring. I said before if they are playing games and then they are board, and the NRE is a weak one. The more Dominate you act to them, the better
Thats my problem. Im guilty of shitty beta sex.
@George
You’re missing the larger point. DON’T WAIT for anything from her. Live your fucking life, dude. If she comes back around, good for you. If not, oh well (shrug). You’re entirely too hung up on this woman. MOVE ON.
And why are you reaching out to her this weekend for advice??? I hope that was a typo. DO NOT CONTACT HER. If she contacts you, suggest a meet. If (when) she says no, ignore her forever, unless she literally says the words “I want you to fuck me.”
You are right SJ, I’m all hanged up on this girl. I was never like that. In fact I was loud, roudy, confident, bold, never gave a fuck about any chick when I was in school or even when while working till I met this lady. Even fucking guys used to run away from me. Don’t know what voodoo she did on me 🙁 turned me into a chicken.
But, time to demonstrate what mental strength is to her! I have seen her a few times at some social gathering, she seems to be having a ball whereas I sulk. Fuck me. Time for repairs. Good to have people like yourself who drill into our heads. THANK YOU.
George
Once they dump you, you have no choice, you scorch earth their asses. There’s no crying or begging to get them back, women are not these empathetic creatures we think, We as men are conditioned to feel empathy to a woman crying, they on the other hand see us a week if we cry to get them back, they friend zone you and find a more dominate male, its genetic conditioning, even the nicest among them, is needy, self conscious and needs external validations, they will flirt with your friends behind your back, they will stay in contact with their exs, they will justify that they are just friends, this is not me downing on them either, I’ve just learnt what i’m dealing with, they are emotionally childish for the most part, they honestly think the NRE is love. This why Blackdragon contacts them every 6 to 8 months his is more detached and is just playing on their weakness and neediness, till they are ready to cheat again and get there egos stroked, as long as you provide excellent sexual services to them and sound emotional connections, they come back.
I don’t get this! Do these girls suffer from short term or long term memory loss? While I don’t forget anything, not even their voices while they were having orgasm, they just forget everything, fucking everything! I have to move on, no question about it. Thanks sj, od.
George
“While I don’t forget anything, not even their voices while they were having orgasm”
they aren’t the same as us, they think so differently, they can make a life changing decisions base on a mood at the time. I don’t even try to rationalize it any more.
@ George
Neither. If they are even half good looking, they can click their fingers and have 27 men queuing up to take your place. It’s as simple as that.
This enables them to get over you FAST! Whereas for you, it’s not so easy. BUT as always, if you REALLY had something together, she may get in touch with you. She may not. Who knows? Who cares? Find someone else.
this is true, but in my personal experience, I’ve witnessed most of these men to be Douche bags. Many times I’ve seen women ditch the decent men in there lives only to get used and tossed later over again by losers, and their stock falls as they get older. They are hard learners
Hi,
I read the original post and read few comments but I thought I would ask.
I was in relationship for 3 years and we got in argument and she decided to break up since she didn’t like that I never introduced my kids to her and all that. it has been 2 months. at first I begged and pleaded for 2 weeks and I went NC for a month then beginning of september I sent her Hello text and we texted back and forth for awhile and I ended it. few weeks later I wrote her and she stated she is doing awesome. and that was all I got. I have been writing whenever her friends told me to text her because she is wondering why I don’t text. so I texted and the results are not that great. last week I passed her car and I acted like I didn’t see her. she followed me and exited freeway. an hr later she called my partner and gave her a bogus referral. My partner thinks she is trying to do things to keep her in my mind. I have been going NC for 3 weeks now. Have I messed up? or do I wait another 3 months and after 3months do I contact her? or just wait for her to contact me?
Thanks in advance.
johnlee
Ignore her, if you were good to her, she will contact you. You cant beg and play games with women, they either miss you and reach out or your SOL, you cant do anything but walk away until they decide. As for fucking up, there’s no exact set of rules, except walk away until they start the contact. then fish them out during the contact and escalate to meeting them, and then escalate to sex after that. What’s your end game here, sex or to continue the relationship, if its to continue the relationship, every one has said the same thing, its just not the same second time through, but who knows every one is different.
Having one argument seem like a shitty reason to end a three year relationship, what in her head.
That’s what I’ll do ignore. I was just wondering when she called my friends if she was trying to reachout. I am looking to reconcile.
Yes calling your friends, is her way of reaching, if they where your friends not hers, but its typical female game playing. I tend not to respond to it.
Once contact is made escalate to reconciliation, but do not put your self in the friend zone, ei chase, stay connected, contact them all the time the usual stuff that never works.
Yes, she called my Co woke and gave her a bogus referral after she saw me. Thank you for your comment. I will just keep NC
Hey guys I am not sure if this was brought up here or not but just thinking of this since I ran into my ex today. Havent spoken with her for more than a month by now and I became very beta (too caring) and she left me saying she still wants me in her life etc. I told her no thanks and moved on but im still curious how eventual meetings should be handled most effective if I would love to have her back in rotation a few months or years later.
Today I waved and said hi and she said hi and I barely looked at her and walked by doing my thing, I know the post suggest to ignore her completely did anyone try to actually just look into the girls eyes, smile a bit and just walk ice cold?
I can easily say that my oneitis has dropped alot and looking back at my past actions I feel a bit pathetic and im seeing another girl now which im totally indiffrent with and its working like a CHARM. Ive learned alot from reading this blog and doing my own analysis but anyway my post here was regarding this subject about ignoring the girl.
In eventual meetups, is waving/saying hi and smiling allowed or should it be complete ignoring during real life meetings aswell? I know it sounds wierd to ask for this since if I totally moved on I would care at all, but im still young and I want to improve myself in every possible way and knowing how to deal with women in order to make them boomerang most effective is always interesting.
For me, being indiffrent seems to have doing wonders though but since there is people here with YEARS more experience then me I thought I would ask how you guys do it during real life meetings with women that dumped you or moved on. Treat them like ghosts and say absolutely nothing, or smile/say hi and walking on.
Best regards
@ Joshua
This happened to me. Caught in the confined space of a small shop. So yes, I smiled and winked and walked out. I have to say that mine wasn’t really a controlled response – it just happened. But I still waited for her to contact me, which she did, a short time later.
There are no certainties in life though. But, out wait, out wit is still the way to go.
On the side note they all do come back. My ex from 18yrs ago started contacting me a month ago and now calling 1-2 times a day and wants to meet next week. My other ex who we broke up 8 years ago will comeback every 6mo to 1 yr just to see if we can work things out and we just end up hooking up. My other ex from 4 yrs ago spent the night last night at my house. I am meeting new girl on Saturday. Talking to a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years. She is way hotter than my recent ex but I’m just looking to hook up since she has too much drama with her ex.
@ Rob
Just checking in to see if anything is new with your situation. It’s been about a month since you posted – have you seen her again, was she friendly if you saw her, is working in the same place with her getting any easier?
In my situation, I saw my ex last week for the first time in two months. She was presenting me an award in a room of fifty people with our VP and most of our senior leaders present. It was a surreal experience to be standing next to her – with both of us smiling and being cheerful – and then to remember that after the meeting she would be walking away and not calling me to talk about her day, not texting me to ask me out for dinner, etc. I thought that I was ready to start being completely confident and indifferent towards her, but I was clearly wrong. Still, I had no choice but to attend the meeting in person. She even called me to make sure that I was coming – but only in the manner of a very caring boss who wanted to make sure that her employee was celebrated for his award in front of “all of the right people” in the organization. Honestly, I miss her more now than ever – but the hole that I am in is deeper than ever too.
On the recent set of postings about Boomerangs, I’d also like to add another example. My girlfriend in 8th grade – who I lost agonizingly to a 10th grader many decades ago – has begun writing to me. She is divorced and “fondly remembers” all of the great times we had together – and she is hoping that we can meet for dinner at some point. I have no interest whatsoever in rekindling – the years have not been kind to her – but it blows me away to imagine that a Boomerang from over 30 years ago is coming back! The fact is simple: unless you committed some heinous, unforgivable act towards her you will eventually be remembered positively by your Boomerang. If she is a) currently not in a committed relationship, b) seeking some companionship AND c) you creep back into her mind (by your doing, her doing, or by happenstance) she will come back! Astonishing.
I send a birthday card and Christmas card every year to a girl I went out with over 20 years ago. The relationship lasted about a year and a half and was great as far as I was concerned. She dumped me when I wouldnt commit and after that I did every dumb thing you could think of chasing her and trying to get her back. I absolutely am not interested in her now but it would be nice to say hello or get a card. You would think after all these years of no contact I would get a simple card. I know she gets mine. What do you guys think?
@Gary and others with similar decade-long-pondering questions over breakups/life
If you’re honestly concerned about not receiving a card from a girl 20 years, a text/a carrier-pigeon message/or flowers then you need to have a long hard think about life! I can barely remember a girl from 2 weeks ago because I’m living my life, dating girls, having fun and if they aren’t in my reality now or their behaviour isn’t aligned – screw them. It’s about moving forward, hotter girls, better clubs, new hobbies, bigger adventures or whatever you’re into. 20 years is just ridiculous. Wake up and smell the coffee. Life is ending 1 second at a time – people always say if you were dying with Cancer what would you do with your life? Well, we are all dying, as morbid as it sounds. I certainly wouldn’t consider a girl from 20 years ago, she certainly doesn’t care. Its about mutual respect, appreciation; a girl that ‘gets’ you. If they don’t contact you (move on). For you. Just like I don’t lose sleep when the Starbucks guy from last year wrote the wrong name on my cup. Let it go…
When it’s over with a girl from 2 weeks ago, 2 months ago, or 20 years ago. Its OVER. Completely. Done. Erase and start living your life. Pretend she doesn’t exist. A simple text ‘I really enjoyed my time with you, and wish you all the best’ always gets the hamster skipping well. Then vanish. Months or years down the life if you were a decent chilled fun guy they may contact you when lonely/horny – and then you make it really difficult for them and escalate shamelessly to sex, otherwise vanish again. The end.
No revenge, no winning, no proving them wrong. Its about being better not bitter. I wish all my ex’s the best. I still know in my mind they’ll never get the best without me – but it’s their life. Let them go. The best advice I can give any guys in this situation, as I was myself, is grow some balls and own it. Accept they dumped you, probably because they thought they could do better and you were ‘ugly’. Think about that for a minute or two: laugh and then consider that you’re no worse off than before you met them. Its a win-win, you got laid and had fun experiences, and found out their true colours they weren’t into you for whatever reason. The reason doesn’t matter. Closure is a myth. The fact they dumped you is closure. They probably couldn’t give the real reason anyway. Consider it unfinished business. They always come back and start as if she’s a new girl. But don’t wait for this point – Relativity fucks with reality (i.e. the girl will only contact you again when you forget about her and don’t give a shit if she died). Then, the second you forget, genuinely, they always call. Then play it cool. And run with it.
Walk through my city of London, or New York or Paris for half a day and you’ll realise how many attractive women there are in the world. Some small town girl with mediocre looks is literally a grain of sand in the beach of babes. Think big picture all the time guys.
This is the real game and if you aren’t rolling your own dice, or loading them in your favour. You will lose.
Amen.
RealTalk says
well said brother, you dont need closure, and chicks moods change like the wind. Who cares, there so many others. BD already explained it, they all eventually stop being FWB to have the make believe world of a monogamy with a beta.
@whitedragon,
Congratulations on your award. Ask for 10% bonus and 2% increment in salary. Year end is approaching quickly 🙂
I have moved on, at least that’s what I tell myself everyday. There is another woman in my life but it isn’t the same. As Dawson said in one of his posts above, if you see her just say hi Michelle and keep moving. I try to avoid her path completely. I can hear her talk during meetings and am sure she can hear me too. Realtalk, sj, oddude, calm, al, Dawson, jesus…everyone says of moving on which is very true. My feelings for her have subsided. If she were to ask me for dinner tomorrow, I don’t even know how I’ll react. Maybe indifferent, not happy not sad. That’s another thing…even if she ever boomerangs, which is very unlikely, I don’t know how to make love to her since there aren’t many feelings left. Another thing that pisses me off….how’s she having fun in her life when she can clearly see that I am upset. And I can’t fake being happy honestly. If I am sad, I am sad. I can’t be cracking jokes and laughing out loud. When I was happy, fucking people 50 feet away could hear my jokes and crack up. Also, I have started reading some self help books. They are very helpful.
Boss, I definitely don’t like these times. Very stressful and even more painful to know that it isn’t ending anytime soon. I picked up sketching to divert my mind but alas, I can’t even draw a free hand straight line 😀 suck there too 🙂 life was good with her, no doubt but as RT says….grow some balls and move on. Forget her. Easy said then done! Good luck dude and at go get that raise 🙂
Rob
Unfortunately your in a harder situation, you work with her, and have to see her, this is why i avoid the work place relationships. And brother we’ve all been in the hard place, dude the chick i was with happen to be my first high-school crush, its been a thirty year on and off, even through marriages, now she shacked up with some other douche, who’s paying her way, in the end yes i loved her, but she wants to be taken care of, I’m not prepared to do that.
I’m not sure what your doing to move on, but one thing i do in when I’m in these situations, i take that hurt and loss, and pour it into the gym, every set i do i channel any pain into personal growth.
You ask “how’s she having fun in her life when she can clearly see that I am upset”, women are extremely unsympathetic to men, I’ve said before, you and i are conditioned to run to there aid when they are crying, women are not conditioned to feel empathy for you when your hurt, unless that woman is your mom. Listen to Billy Joel’s song “she always a woman to me” its sums them up nicely, there not bad, there not good, there just women, they run to their own agendas. And brother one day you’ll be with someone, and you will know why it didn’t work with her, trust me, it just takes time.
Peace
this is for all my brothers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI3MwwWYC3Q
“She’ll promise you more than the Garden Eden,She’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleed’n”
Od,
I do p90x3 5 times a week for an hour (2 sessions) & the song is so true. Thanks
RealTalk’s last post should be posted as the end to this conversation. 4 years of college can’t get you that type of education. Well said, RT.
Jesus
I split with my girl about 3 months ago, we were together just over 4 months but we really clicked fast and both fell for each other hard. Anyway towards the end of our relationship particularly the last 2 weeks she became extremely distant towards me, cut a long story short i accused her of cheating and broke things off. I did have a bit of evidence to assume she was cheating but wether she did for sure I’ll never know, but i broke up with her because i knew she was gonna break with me, was kinda like a defence mechanism ya know.
I gotta be honest i didn’t handle it very well at first screaming and shouting at her, calling her names and turning up to her house in a rage to collect my stuff. Went a month no contact, she didn’t once try to contact expect the first day we split to say that she knows I’ll never get back with her but to please understand that nothing happened. I pretty told her to fuck off and called her a liar.
After 1 month no contact i called her and had a quick chat, asking how she getting on etc and if she wanted to meet up for a drink on the weekend. She said she’ll see and when the weekend came she txt me to say sorry she couldn’t meet me but never gave a reason why, i tried to txt her a couple of times that night after but she would give very vague, sometimes one word txts back before finally saying she couldn’t talk anymore and gave me in her words a ‘final good bye txt’ i sent one jokey txt after but she didn’t reply, it was then i decided i would never contact her again and if she really wanted to talk to me she’d have to make the effort cuz I’d be dammed if I’m gonna be chasing after 1 wench forever.
When we first split up she blocked me on social media, thought nothing of it but after a month of my most recent contact with her i for the first time really started getting over her and not giving a fuck what she does anymore then notice all of a sudden that she unblocked me.
Only reason i noticed this is because she got pictures of me and her together which I’m tagged in on her fb which when she blocked me disappeared off my fb. But one day i notice the pics on my fb pop up of me and her together with me tagged. Tbh i thought she would of deleted them and probably have a new boyfriend by now but from looking at her fb it seems she hasn’t, or if she has she’s keeping it quiet!
Do you think this is her in some way trying to get my attention again? There’s no chance in hell I’m gonna be contacting her, i got pride and I’m not putting myself through it again to be turned down. It’s been just over 3 months since i actually seen her and 2 months since we spoke on phone briefly but for the first time since the split I’m really starting to enjoy my life again and feeling more social but her unblocking me has got me thinking does she wanna meet up again, what do you guys think?
I’m not bothered either way cuz I’m moving on and enjoying my life but i still miss her in a way, she gotta make the effort tho idgaf!
sounds like you went totally beta in the end, get some balls and get over that shit, makes you look like a pussy, I understand its hard when your wrapped up in her.
She is playing games, girls like to play ” please pay attention to me, but don’t want you to think I want you to pay attention to me” don’t fall for it, it will just drag on to endless Facebook crap and she will stay in your head, which is what she might want but you don’t. You walk, you ignore you move on you get over her, its only when your over her, you can truly be indifferent, then when they come back through real contact, phone, text or email, you escalate to a meet, then to sex, if they resist, you walk again, its simple.
I am over her thats the thing, I was just wondering why she unblocked me. i will in no way be contacting her, i’m enjoying being single now, i just found it strange she went out of the way to unblock me, i mean you have to make a concious decision to do that so she was obviously curious as to what i was up to.
Anyway i keep most of my fb private so only friends can see all my stuff i only make certian things viewable to the public. when i found out she unlbocked me i deliberately made certain posts public, like one about my night out the weekend and jokey pics i put up, and just silly things like girls liking it i know she would notice cuz she used to go mad about girls my fb when were together so i thought i’d play a few mind games of my own fuck it lol.
Checked my fb again tonight and turns out she has reblocked me, i have in no way tried to contact her and nor do i care (i mean that) but for her to re blok me again after blocking obviously means she been thinking about me. haha i’ll just let her carry on, i actually feel like i got the power back a little bit. if she ever does contact me properly by phone i will escalate straight to sex no doubt cuz thats all i’d want from her now anyway.
Let her twist in her mind games, she obviously still a child
“mind games of my own” that’s beta shit, be ALFA, we don’t play mind games, because its energy we would rather put into making us better, when ever I’m even letting some tart back into my head, I go to the gym, or head to a driving range and smack out some 200 plus yard hits, all things that make us better and ultimately happy.
I do feel better, i’m happiest i been in a long time, i’m not pining for her to come back or even contact me i’m just telling you my story. you can keep on trying to call me pussy beta all you like mate cuz at the end of the day i’m happy and isn’t that the main thing to be if you are alpha? i admit i was beta at the end of the relationship and for probably about a month after but i been reading through all BD blogs on this site and its helping me a lot. i still got a lot to learn but i’m enjoying this new way of thinking.
she was about 9 years older than me (in her mid 30’s) but she had so many childish ways, you can see that from the way she acting with this blocking and unblocking on fb having this break has helped me to reflect on all that stuff i didn’t notice when i was in NRE. don’t get me wrong we got on 80% of the time, she was good in the sack and we shared the same humour and used to cry where we’d laugh so much. but with it tho came the drama, silent treatment and extreme jealousy etc. if only i knew about some of the stuff on here back then like soft nexting etc things might of been a little different. ya live and learn tho eh! 🙂
“pussy beta all you like mate cuz at the end of the day i’m happy” I’m not calling you any of these, I’m telling you not to be these 🙂 there’s a difference :). Sound like you are on the right track, this blog and Dawson Stones have done a great deal from many of us. She will be back btw, the more childish they are, the even more likely they will, their little hamster brains cant stand the thought of you disappearing like they were nothing, when she gets through her ego, and has some lame sex and drama with some one else, she recall the good times and start creeping back.
Stumbled across this and it makes great reading – both the original post and Real Talk’s addendum.
And I realise now that I must have been a bit of an alpha all my long life without knowing it ’cause this has always been my policy and it does work – often. I’ll go on to that later but first I’m just wondering why, as BD says, some might find this hard to do?
If I get dumped there’s NO WAY I want to contact the ex – two possible reasons (1) If I do have feelings for her then I really don’t want to know what she’s up to, or (2) If I’m not that bothered my pride says “Be my guest. Go and find some lesser being and hope to God he does for you what I did…doubt it!”
Recent case – really good relationship for 2 years then she went from besotted to odd and distant in the wink of an eye. Not my fault she says – “It’s me not you” (Too right it is!). So saw it coming and took the dumping when it came with good grace – upset but she doesn’t know that. I just said “fair enough – please block me on social media and I’ll do the same. Have a great life with whatever you choose to do”.
Upset of course and I missed her – but, arrogant or not, really felt it was her loss.
So – two ramifications and it’s good news.
First – It’s amazing how things come out of the woodwork once you get her out of your life. A work colleague saw I was a bit down and asked me if I’d like to spend an evening or two with her…turned out GREAT! Then an old FB (another ex who came back) whom I’ve known for years flew over from the States specifically to go on holiday with me and “cheer me up”…turned out GREAT!
Second – You’ve guessed it. Ex contacts me after a couple of months. “I miss you. Can we be friends?” I hope you can guess my reaction – (NO F****** WAY!). Told her politely no, but happy to have a genuine go at re-establishing relationship. She was unsure so I said a polite goodbye again and reset the clock. Might hear from her again…might not…either way I’ll deal with it as and when.
My message is just man up and take this advice – it is ALWAYS right and always will be. You will get peace of mind at the very least or, chances are, she might drift back into your orbit. And before you ask, no, I am no square-jawed Adonis. I am pushing 60, balding and could not be described as tall. You just have to be yourself and be strong. I truly adore women but you just cannot let them rule your life or destroy your happiness. Move on.
I’m just thinking, as i was the one who dumped her does it lessen the chance of her ever getting back to me? Not that I’m particularly bothered but be interesting to hear from people who been in same situation. I dealt with the break up pretty bad at first cuz even tho i was the one that broke up it felt more like the other way around as she distanced herself that much it pushed me to it. I broke with her before she broke with me but i dealt with it completely the wrong way flying off the handle.
I did reach out to her after 1 month no contact (mistake i know) and chatted on the phone for ten minutes and she genuinely sounded happy to talk to me. So i pitched a meet for a drink that same weekend and she said she’ll see. Anyway the day came and i heard nothing until about 1am she sent a txt saying sorry she couldn’t meet, I’d gone out and had a drink by this time as a pretty much given up hope of her meeting up so I tried to ring her to talk but she wouldn’t answer only replying to my txts wishing me the best and to please not contact her again.
It’s been 2 months since that night now and 3 since I last seen her, i am over it now but having the break made me realise that the reason things ended the way they did is MY FAULT, i always blamed her before but i know it’s me because i acted too beta towards the end and reading through BD blogs made me realise that.
That’s the only thing that angers me more than losing her cuz i really don’t care about her anymore, it’s the way i acted.
I wanted her to come back honestly. But, after reading so many posts so many damn times, now I want her back on my terms. I went from alpha to beta, my mistake. Didn’t know any thing about all this else wouldn’t have made all the mistakes that I made. I am not chasing her anymore. She has to or else oh well, nice knowing you. Thanks everyone.
I received this email from my ex today……. How should I respond?
I had a salsa moment in the kitchen today. Pumpkin caramel all over myself and the kitchen. You would have laughed and called me a klutz.
Wtf is a klutz? Tell her you’d strip her down to her bra and panties and slowly lick the pumpkin caramel from every inch of her body. 😉
Excellent reply!
No matter how you respond, this is clearly a sign of renewed interest. Recalling a fond memory and calling attention to her personal habits and her body all indicate that the ball is in your court.
Ok, I haven’t heard from her in over a month
What would be your recommendation on the response?
johnny@13
I had a salsa moment in the kitchen today. Pumpkin caramel all over myself and the kitchen. You would have laughed and called me a klutz.
this is great, tell her you would have laughed, but would have loved helping her clean up too. Subtle flirt not over the top yet.
I’d get to the dirty talk asap
Nars-ass-sis bolox says
no dude, its like fishing, you have to let them run with the bait for a bit, then reel them in, yank to hard, you can break the line, but escalate to sex fairly quickly
I responded with : lol . I would of loved to helped you clean up too.
She responded with: “They offered me $65/hr to go to Denver for 13 weeks, plus pay my housing and licensure. ”
“I was going to ask if you would watch my dog, but I think Amy is going to help me this weekend. ”
Should i bother responding?
Fuck that! More like watch her dog while she goes and bounce of some geezers pole. Tell her you got plans that weekend.
Your response was shite as well, too boring, should of wrote something more jokey, something to make her laugh. Fuckin cheek of her after not speaking for that long and straight away she’s asking you favours! Pfft!
@Johnny – Yeah she was fishing to see if you’d watch the dog. Which you should NOT do.
Should i bother responding to the email or don’t respond at all?
Thanks
If you want to keep it on a positive note you could respond back with something like “Sounds like a great opportunity, have fun.” I think you missed this window to escalate. Keep in mind though, you don’t NEED to respond to every message sent. Myself I’d hold off on a better indicator of interest that didn’t get followed up by a veiled request for a favor.
Ok. Thanks for the feedback, calm
Johnny@
you said the right thing, didn’t matter what you said had you escalated sooner or not, she was just fishing for a favor. If she was looking for more, after the clean her up remark she would have mildly flirted back, like ” well i was really dirty” or something like. But two things you did right, you hinted you wanted more, and you aren’t doing any favors unless shes mounted you, then end.
Should i completely delete my ex girlfriend from facebook?
Thanks
Johnny
depends on your situation, I just did that, but it was because she was liking my wall posts, and sending me chit chat messages with no results, so I blocked her, which sent her into a rage, but still wont see me, she just wanted me to keep paying attention to her. Alternatively, you can unfollow her, and set her as an acquaintance, then set your pics and wall post to “can be seen by friends but not acquaintances”, its like blocking with out them really knowing, but you can still see her page, which you may or may not want, because I think your still pinning and hoping she will come back, id recommend the unfriend or block, you need to get her out of your mind, and that means distance and time.
I’d like some advice if any are willing to chime in. I’ve been NC for almost 7 weeks now. The Ex, after a seemingly being head over heels in love, up and left out of the blue 3 days after getting back from our vacation. We even made love an hour before she took off. Was completely blindsided and have had a difficult time since. Allah said before leaving was “I’ve given too much of myself’ and 20mins later, was gone.
She has had several relationships that did not work out for various reasons but the common theme in all was that the men pursued and chased desperately for months, even years after they broke up. They were all so wrapped up in her that they couldn’t seem to continue living without her and they expressed that. I, on the other hand, just walked away because I would never lower myself to that level. I miss her terribly but refuse to contact. All her other relationships were on/off for their duration so breaking up and getting back together has been a pattern for her.
Should I give up hope as she is a notoriously stubborn woman? I’ve moved on and focussed on myself but still think about her constantly. Any advice would be very much appreciated…
I received this text message from my ex-girlfriend this morning….
I know that I am a terrible communicator, but I’m asking you to take a little time to talk this week.
Let me know when you are free
How should I respond?
Thanks
Steamboat
I’ve been in the same situation your in now, I’ve had a desirable woman wrapped up in me, unfortunately they are really wrapped up in their own neediness and insecurity and not really you, the fact she would walk right after you laid her should tell you shes screwed up in side, something tells me she wants to control the relationship and you weren’t about to do, you have done that absolute right thing, walk and focus on you no matter how painful it is. She will be back if you were good, don’t let them have that power, the moment you become beta, she will discard you anyways.
johnny
Agree, but try to get her to meet in person, if not at your place, then at a pub when you can escalate. there are many ways you can approach the conversation, but what ever she says, make it clear in context, your not interested in friend zone, and if she’s not mounting your not wasting a minute of your time on her. Establish your dominance, if your not fucking me, someone else will be.
ok, thanks for the advice od_dude.
what type of text would you send to her?
johnny
pitch a meet at pub for drinks, a fun atmosphere you can get her a few drinks and flirt, and see where you can escalate it to, but be fun and outcome indifferent. You don’t have to fuck them the first night, but hint that your expecting this to lead to something and quickly, every girl is different, you’d know best if she into sex fast or wants a bit of play first, I’m only saying this because she was a relationship not a fuck buddy. If you get the I just need you as a friend speech, make some reason why you need to cut this short, and reset the clock until she contacts you.
od_dude
Thanks for the insight. In hindsight, the last month or so, it was really hot/cold and it all happened as soon as we decided to move in together. Once the dynamic changed (something she had never done before) it was like she was looking for a way to get out. Vacation was great and 3 days later, after a normal morning including groceries and making love, she literally disappeared. That’s been the hardest part.
Her Ex-husband was always lurking and showing up unannounced like a stalker and constantly messaging her. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I really am at a loss for words as to how it went down but each day that passes, it hurts just a little bit less.
I was good and she did/said things she had never done before and I really thought that she might be the one I was supposed to find. Now it feels like it almost didn’t happen. Closure would be nice but I know that doesn’t really exist.
In my heart of hearts, I think she might one day reach out but another part of me thinks I will literally never hear from her as long as I live….so strange. Thoughts?
@ od _dude
This is steamboat’s comment:
It is so true.
Why did you move in together??? Bad move and completely unnecessary.
What?! 😀 The One eh? ALL relationships are temporary. If you can turn this woman into one of several women in your life, then fine.
The men having trouble in this post seem to have found this post and are constantly asking “how can I get her back?”
While you wait, PLEASE READ the archive of this blog. All the answers you need are in it.
Thanks Al – you’re probably right. Moving in might not have been the best but was her idea, she chose the place and was ecstatic up until we actually started living there…slowly you could see she wasn’t comfortable. Maybe she was trying to force herself.
Bottom line is she’s been chased her whole life by guys it didn’t work out with…months and years later and all of them were the same, to a T. I walked away and never looked back and can respect myself for that even though it’s been extremely tough.
7 weeks in now and I know I’m doing the right thing as far as that goes. I would like to see her again but she would need to reach out or it’ll never happen…
Steamboat
just Google “left husband and for another man” you find a bunch of chat forum of women, who post all the same shit, ” I never thought this would happen, ive been married 10 years and then omg I met the man of my dreams” blah blah, you dam well know the man at home is paying bills stressing out keeping his family together and she just getting swept in by some douche who’s selling her the bag of magic beans, their fucking idiots, so when you say “I was good and she did/said things she had never done before and I really thought that she might be the one I was supposed to find” , they have zero loyalty for long, they believe there own fantasies, they get board easy. I don’t want to sound cynical but dude, as Al said its all fleeting,
The men having trouble in this post seem to have found this post and are constantly asking “how can I get her back?” this is the truth, Al is saying and BD is saying all you can do is get them back as a FWB and nothing more, try to turn it into a relationship, but its already failed, if you do manage to get them back, it will be a prolonged dysfunctional failed relationship regardless
Thanks od_dude
It’s a bit different as she divorced the ex husband 10 years ago. Since then, he’s been in and out of her life and constantly in the background somewhere always telling her that when she’s done with the current relationship, he’ll be waiting for her. He’s become her family as the relationship with her own is almost non-existant. I actually don’t know for certain what happened or where she went the day she took off but that would be my guess. Every person she was with since her divorce 10 years ago was completely enamoured with her and chased, cried and pursued for months and years after the breakup. Maybe a part of her likes the validation of someone chasing and expressing that they can’t live without her.
I also think you’re right that even if an ex comes back, chances are slim to none that it can be anything but a physical thing seeing as how the relationship part didn’t work to begin with. I guess I’m more curious about whether or not she’ll ever get in contact with me again because I definitely won’t. I’ve moved on but it would be nice to know that she regretted walking away the way she did when there really wasn’t a good reason to do so. It’s definitely been a long 7 weeks but things are looking up.
@ Rob
A few days ago, she IM’ed me to ask a few questions that I know she could easily have found answers to by checking an earlier email or asking someone else. These were her first IMs to me in about six months. Yesterday at work, I saw her coming down the hallway and I walked toward her, meeting her right in the middle of the hallway in a quiet spot. We started talking about work and slowly she started to mention personal things like what she’d been up to on recent weekends, her trip to Europe, etc. It was just like old times – these were the first personal comments she had made to me in about six months. The whole time she kept smiling and her body language was great – not a hint of animosity or wanting to get away. I decided to end the conversation before we ran out of topics but I suggested that we talk later in the week by phone about a few work items – she smiled and said “of course.”
My question for everyone is, how should I proceed?
I received your email and you are to know that i do not use any of those fake powers u see on internet .i use African Powers which is the strongest and powerful magic. The potency against this spell last long and it has no bad or negative effect, So my dear i have never cast a spell for any one that will not work i have done it for a lot of people in different country . the spell work in the way you want it …
Whitedragon
you have to be really careful with this one, you work with her, every thing BD says about working relationships is true, this has been doubly hard on you because you’ve had to see her every day, and like you said before she didn’t give a rats ass when you were hurting, i’m not sure why you’d want to put yourself through that again. A little bit of chit chat in the hall doesn’t mean much, you still need to wait for her to reach out to you, let her call you or text you. Don’t call her. She might be warming up, but dude you need to let more happen.
@whitedragon.
Like I said earlier, ask for a raise and bonus 😀 she’ll LOL and will be confused. Rest, I’m hardly an expert on this stuff, but getting $$ can never be a bad idea 🙂 good luck dude.
@Whitedragon
This is a no-fucking-brainer. You don’t fuck someone where you work. EVER.
You have already done it so don’t be a fool and do it again. If you or her ever leave your company, escalate to sex but in the mean time be friendly but don’t even consider going back in.
This is my situation, I’m with a girl for 4 years and we have a son together whom I love and would do anything for, even stay with his mom with no physical attraction to her. ( she is very good looking but very very boring.) So I met a girl who works at a bar beside my site. We hit it off and started texting a lot. She told me she had a bf to which I said I didn’t care. We continued talking and planed to meet up. That day Her bf asked her if she was going to cheat on him, because she was in the shower to long so she told me she can’t doit but really wants too… The next couple days she starts msging me again and continue our flirt texting and eventually we meet up the following week. We both had a great time and fucked in the back of my car. Over the next two weeks we text a lot ( probably too much) and meet a few times for drinks and really great sex, also a couple very illicit txt sessions with pictures and dirty talk from mostly her. Then we met again and again had a great time and great sex. Every time we fucked she’d say something along the lines of she wants to break up with him…. The next day I got a little drunk and started texting her as we did a few nights before. She seemed into it. But sent me a message much later that night saying her bf looked at her phone and read the Msgs and broke up with her . She asked me to not txt her for a while. To which I apologized for fucking up her life and told her I wouldn’t msg her. Two days later she sends a msg saying her and her bf and going to try to work things out and to not msg her again. ( she also said that he asked what my name was and she lied and told him another name, but in our last few Msgs that he allegedly read she wrote my name) so being caught may have been a lie. Or he’s really dumb.) I said ” I wish I could tell you I wasn’t sad, I was starting to really like you, thanks for being straight with me though “. She msged back saying ” of course, I really like talking to you. I just feel like I owe him a decent effort, maybe I’ll see you around :)” I didn’t respond to that msg and it’s been a week+ since, She went from wanting to break up with him to trying to make it work when she got caught I did really like her and want to continue to see her Will this method work for me in the situation I find myself, or should forget about her and get over it?
@Roche
The reason why she went back, is because the breakup wasn’t on HER terms. Plain, and simple.
Roche
You had a fuck buddy, that was perfect, unfortunately she got busted, you said the correct thing, apologised for messing her life up and said you enjoyed your time together. Yes walk and let her deal with her shit, text her in a couple of months, act indifferent and ask her if everything is alright, of course you don’t give a shit about her relationship but it looks good to act concerned. If all goes well she’ll be a fuck buddy again, if not, find more. So to answer your question YES this method will work very well with you situation, stick to it give her space, I predict she text you shortly, a few weeks or a month, particularly If she likes the sex
Is it even possible that she just decided she can’t cheat on him anymore and wants to be with him.( she did complain about him often when we were together but also kept telling me she feels bad cause he’s “such a nice guy”)
Is it possible she will just forget about me as she is younger( 7 years difference) and has a lot of friends. And I don’t use Facebook or any of those things so she won’t be able to look me up on there?
and wouldn’t any girl with any sort of a brain probably just delete my number to avoid temptation, never to be heard from again? I really hope she didn’t as I would like to get FB situation going as I’ve never had one before. I’m good looking and a very good talker when it comes to woman and professional situations. Though I do wish I could be more outcome independent but I am finding myself thinking about it a lot and wanting to msg her ( I would never let her see that even before reading this blog, being the important part. I think)
( she did complain about him often when we were together but also kept telling me she feels bad cause he’s “such a nice guy”) He became a Beta.
Read the whole blog, women generally cheat on their betas. And don’t you be a Beta and start messaging, she’ll come back, just be patient and go find other women to flirt with, and remember if you got together with her, and became a beta, she’ll cheat on you too, don’t ever think your special for a minute.
Oh fuck, I wouldn’t actually msg her, I just keep thinking about it. and I don’t think I’m special just know I’m better than her man. Maybe I was a bit cocky when I think back on our meets, I wish I read all of this long ago
I had a boomerang. I met her in 2000. We were together for 5 1/2 years. I never spoke to her out of her name or was emotionally punishing to her. We broke up in 2005. She married someone else that treated her like crap. called her names, hit her,stole money from her,alcoholic, he made is career off workmans comp,etc. You get the picture. She even has a 4 year old daughter by him. After 10 years she finally dumped his ass and boomeranged back telling me how she screwed up. Her exact words in this text shortly after we were back together read ( I know I can be moody, and I know theres a lot going on right now. And I can only hope that I come out of this a better and stronger person. But the thing that amazes me is that despite all of my mistakes and all the pain I caused you you still love me. I am so happy and lucky to have a caring loving and strong man in my life. You are the most selfless,sweet man I have ever known only your father could come a close second. I love you with all my heart and promise I will spend the rest of my life making up for lost time. I only want you to be happy as I am. I promise to give my entire self to you. I love you.) We started seeing each other again this past february. I received this text on May 5th. She cheated on me and said we need a break on July 23rd. Her new boyfriend is going through a divorce. She moved him in and she also had to find him a job. LOL. This just goes to show you never really lose your girlfriend. You just lose your turn. No doubt she will be back eventually.
charger446
Dude lol, ive seen this so many times, omg so many times. They come back to what they know is fair and good, but then there low self esteem screws it up again and again, and they run back to drama and an emotional charged shitty situation, lol. Its like this, if ever their in a good place, not a beta man place, but a fair place, where the man stands up for him self and calls them on their shit, but at the same time treats them decent, they cant cope with it. The moment they can’t feel sorry for them selves, means they have to look in the mirror and take responsibility for their own fucked up mess, so they sabotage it and run back to a place they can feel sorry for them selves, LOL. Charger, I’ve had three women come back and leave again to go be with a douche, it just comedy now. And yes they crawl back again, some times a year later, some time 10 years later. But in the end she cant handle healthy, healthy means its her fault her life is a mess and that unacceptable, so she will now spend years fixing her new boy friend and crying to her friends how caring and giving she is, but its not her fault she a caring and giving person. LOL.
charger446
Read Dawson stones blogs too, hes bang on. My current wife, who’s a boomerang, she said all the same shit, and still messed our marriage up, we are together for our kids, but I’m just done, I keep my friends with benefits on the side now, and have given up on monogamy. When my kids are older we will go our ways. I’m sure she will boomerang again in 10 years, but who cares, just take it for what it is, your turn again. LOL
When she told me we needed break I actually went beta for one day. When she text me the following day my response was. (You were right we do need a break. We are too confrontational towards each other lately.) This actually fucked her up. She expected me to chase her or she wanted some type of drama. When we were together there was no drama. This is too boring to most woman. I never initiate contact. Since than she has either text or called. She even tried to friend zone me. My response was.( You know my feelings towards men and woman trying to be friends. One is always trying to fuck the other one.) She has also called me for other stupid reasons. The key is to never show any kind of emotion when talking to them. She actually swung the conversation around saying. Your looking into my boyfriend too much. My response was. (It is what it is. You do whatever you want. I will do whatever I want.) Next conversation she says, but we have plans for the future. My response. ( No way to predict the future.) I am still very good friends with her mother. Her mother even watched my house and took care of my dogs a few weeks ago when I went to las vegas with my friend. My friend is on his 2nd marriage. He has been married for less than a year. He has not been laid in about two months. Every time we hang out she gives him grief. My best advice is never become dependent on a woman. I would never buy a house if I cannot afford it on my own and have it in my own name only. Never have joint credit cards or car loans. I feel it is ok to move them in if it is going good, but when the shit hits the fan show them the door. I believe if you do it any other way you are setting yourself up for disaster. If my ex comes back around I will hang out with her and fuck her again. She will determine how long it lasts. When she leaves it will not effect me. My married friend thinks I am nuts if i see her again. My response was (I have banged her what maybe fifty times or more. She owes me $200.00. Thats only $4.00 a fuck. Your spending a hell of a lot more than that and not even getting laid.) Lol.
Hey BD. You were right. My ex girlfriend came crawling back after 2 months. I guess it didnt work out with the other guy. She came over last night and i fucked her 3 times, but i dont want to get in relationship with her. I obviously dont trust her and look at her as the same way as before.
She wants to hang out again and cook me dinner. I just want to keep fucking her. What should i do because she is getting emotional and telling me she loves me , blah, blah
I need some advice ?
Thanks
@Johnny13
Dude, venture around on this blog a little bit. What’s one of the common themes on here? DO NOT GET ONEITIS. The way you’re talking, you have no other options. Get more options and you won’t be asking all these questions on here about “what to do next” etc.
Have fun with this ex, and even treat her good. But MEET SOME NEW WOMEN, too. You’ll think about and see this girl less which will make things BETTER between you two.
Guys that have been following my case over last 8 months (since getting dumped). Little/No contact for 5 months and only initiated by her! Key development today – interesting how it links to what Blackdragon said, and ‘problem’ many guys will have on ‘boomerang watch’:
Met ex for the first time today after 8 months, her idea so I met her in a coffee shop. Acted cool etc but she actually started gaming me – asking why I wasn’t maintaining eye contact, shit-test stories, denial about events, random sob stories, scarcely bringing up details about us etc. Wasn’t expecting that after so long (all subtle) – Lost frame kind of calling her out on general bs etc – not related to us though just general life shit by her – so couldn’t really implement BDs escalate to sex part at all! She didn’t show any overt interest or IOIs and she kind of kept the meeting short, maybe by logistics, wasn’t sure.
Basically, I wonder if sometimes they just don’t boomerang for whatever reason. Maybe in NRE but didn’t ask obviously. She wanted to meet so presume not. Wondered whether I need better frame control or just a better location for this, I don’t know?
Anyone had anything similar – as kind of feel it was a very uneventful meet after so long; maybe thought it would be more extreme (like massive interest or massive bitch mode). Or, do we just implement file-and-forget until she suggests evening drinks (hop, skip and jump into bed) scenarios… haha
I went for a drink with a couple of friends tonight and bumped into my ex for the first time since we split up (6 months ago). She was with a group of friends, mainly male. I didn’t know she was at this bar until one of my friends told me she was asking after me.
I didn’t read to much into and carried on enjoying the evening chatting to girls and enjoying myself. When i did see her i went and said hello, smiled and immediately walked away and carried on having a good night. Five minutes later she left with one of the guys she was with. I’m sure she left with other person knowing i would see them leaving together.
I know this girl still has feelings for me and i want to meet up with her and create a situation where we can escalate straight to sex with no bullshit.
Should i contact or not?
snowman211
“Should i contact or not?”
did you not read the blog and all the follow ups, You don’t contact them for 6 to 8 months minimum, if they contact you, you chit chat, pitch a meet, then escalate to sex, if they resist, you restart the timer again.
“When i did see her i went and said hello, smiled and immediately walked away and carried on having a good night. Five minutes later she left with one of the guys she was with. I’m sure she left with other person knowing i would see them leaving together.”
If she asked for you, and you acted way to nonchalant, then you lost your opportunity to escalate, and the fact she actually left quickly after, sounds like you pissed her off.
Honesty, she has your email, cell number etc., she could easily reach out, id wait for a real contact, but every situation is different. Since its been six months, you might fire a quick text, and say i’m sorry I didn’t get to chat to you that night, maybe we could meet for quick drink, then see where that goes. that is if she genuinely asked for you that night. Your call, but if there resistance reset the timer.
It’s was a difficult and awkward situation, so decided it was best to just say hello and keep it simple. She did ask after me but at the time didn’t want to read anything into it.
Thanks for the advice, it has given an opportunity to initiate contact. Will leave it a bit and see if she does reach out. Also found out she is still single. Not that it really matters but would this effect getting in contact? As I imagine that she doesn’t want to look lonely or desperate…
@Snowman,
You aren’t listening to any of the advice.
You don’t get in contact first. Ever. Whether its a monday, her birthday, asking after you to friends, her pet dog has died. She has your number and if she wants to contact you with any ounce of gina tingles she has left – she will.
The best thing you can is wait to get contacted. Period. Otherwise all you’re going to do is look desperate and ‘melt’ when she sees ‘Snowman’ is still contacting her…
Harsh words but you’re acting in scarcity and its not what women with options look for.
Need some advice on this situation. If you read my previous post a couple up on this page you will see my boomerang. I have not called, text or anything unless she initiated it. This goes for the past 10 years. I am still friends with her mother. She will watch my house and take care of dogs,fish whatever I need when I’m out of town. Anyways I have no relatives. Pretty much on my own. Her mother called me up and wants me to come over to her sisters house ( exes aunt) for thanksgiving for a while. Being that the whole family likes me and knows she is a fucking idiot (ex) what should I do. I personally can show absolutely no emotion when i’m around her. I believe the reason we broke up is because she cannot manipulate or control me, but her new boyfriend she can. If I don’t show up it may look like she has some kind of control. The way I’m looking this whole situation is if she comes back around and I fuck her fine if not no big deal either. Her mom don’t give a crap what she thinks either. Would you go or make some kind of excuse why you can’t make it. I do not want to look like a little pussy who does not want to show up because of her.
charger446 says
hang out with your own family not hers, if the mother wants to be around your place with out her, that’s fine. Otherwise disappear like a fart in the wind, you need to keep her wondering. Her stupid relationship will fail soon enough, she cheated, he cheated, he’s doesn’t have a job, and is going through a divorce, the whole thing reeks of extreme neediness and selfishness, there’s zero chance that will last any stress test, disappear in the mean time, and don’t be at that dinner if she is there.
RealTalk , Snowman
Black Dragons advice is after six to eight months its ok to fire a quick outcome independent text to feel the water, ( like hey how’s it going, or saw someone that looked like you, I almost said hi, etc. ). Snowman its your call its been six months, but if she responds cold or indifferent disappear as fast as you can and reset the timer.
I’m going to leave it up to her to make contact. If I was to bump in to her again then would make more effort to create a situation where we can meet.
I think otherwise RealTalk is right, she could see it as being desperate.
Alphaish man turned Omega – she bolted
Hi guys, I need to get this off my chest. I guess I know the answer already but your inputs will help. I am a 32 year old 6 feet tall lanky Indian. This is a slightly longish post, but I believe the length is essential to give you the contxxt
I weigh 149 pounds. Skinny, right? But behavior wise I have always been an alpha. I have a baritone and power full body language. I am from Mumbait, he biggest metropolitan town in India. I was working as an hr manager in a private firm in Mumbai.
There was also a 36 year old woman who was an AGM in HR department – two grades above mine. I resigned from that company in July and was serving my notice period. During this period, we went on 3 to 4 dates and we kissed. On the first date she said that she had a bf that was now an ex. Then I joined another company in Pune a city 175 kms away from Mumbai.
We texted back and forth and she used to eat up my cocky funny humor. On one weekend I went back to Mumbai, we met kissed and made out. She kept on insisting that I give her flowers. I did not. After her constant insistence, I couriered her flowers after a week. We texted till a week after she received the boquet but her interest level had dropped.
So on a Thursday, I what-sapped her that we should watch the Martians on the coming Saturday. She was online on Whats App throughout the day but didn’t reply. A day later she replied sorry I already have plans. She did not suggest an alternative date or venue. I didn’t reply to that. I changed my Whats App pic.
This pic had me sitting with two very attractive girls. I presumed on seeing this she would get nervous and contact me. But she didn’t. After 5 days of this I panicked, coz she was online all the time but not initiating any contact. I whatsapped her’ I miss you. Gimme a kiss’ till a couple of weeks earlier, she used to reply enthusiastically to such texts. This time she saw the texts but did not reply.
I absolutely lost my mind, and like a fucking omega rang her number yesterday. We normally never call each other, just text or meet up. As expected, she did not pick up my call but replied ‘ will call you later’.
I also got to know from my ex colleagues that she had a big fight with her ex bf on phone recently. I am wondering if the have got back together and he is fucking her.
I knew heartistes commandments and trp quite well but behaved like a fucking loser to get closure.
Also, I am skinny and have a dark complexion. I don’t gave any plates to spin. I am maybe a 5 or a 6 on the looks scale, but this incident apart, I my behavior and body language is very alpha like.
Advice, people? Is she ever going to get back to me? Is she fucking her ex bf? My ego has been trapped because I behaved in a very desperate manner, something that is just the opposite of the behavior I displayed when we started out.
Thoughts and advice please. I would not mind if you ripped my game or lack of it to shreds.
I would prefer a bit of insight into where I fucked up. I know ‘Go and spin plates’ advice, but frankly, I need to know where I went wrong.
Nishith, find another girl in your new town and forget her. Simple. I have lost ex too in the past due to me loosing frame, but no point crying over spilled milk.
“Advice, people? Is she ever going to get back to me? Is she fucking her ex bf? My ego has been trapped because I behaved in a very desperate manner.
This isn’t Alfa behavior, your Ego is Betaizing you.
Here’s the first thing you do, go stand in the Mirror, if you think your a 6, fuck that, tell your self your a 12, that’s what Alfa’s do, doesn’t matter what you look like, your a fucking 12, i dont care if your dark skinned and skinny, then shave your head and work out and be the 12. Second who the fuck cares about one Indian girl, what is there a billion people in that country, i’m sure there hotter more available women, you have some of the hottest women on the planet in that country. Never give a woman the satisfaction of ever knowing they got to you, dust your self off and move on, stop worrying or how you fucked up, and start thinking your a 12 dammit and it was her that fucked up.
Thanks, Lee and od_dude.
Sure my behavior has been weak and unmanly. W
I have seen an alpha friend of mine maintaining no contact with his gf when she started giving him shit for a month. But after that, he initiated contact with his ex and told her how much he missed her and stuff. And sure, the girl bolted, never to look back again.
Now, the same guy has multiple girls simultaneously and his game has automatically become very tight.
What is over is over. But I wanted to know this for the future as well.
How does one maintain abundance mentality when one has only girl in hand?
And, od, please throw some light on what specifically I could have done differently in this case.
Was her repeatedly asking for flowers a shit test? and when I eventually sent her the flowers, did I fail the test? She then found no challenge in me and therefore lost interest?
I am not asking this to get her back. I am asking this to understand shit tests better in my future relationships.