It’s a common complaint regarding online dating for both men and women. She looks cute as hell in her Tinder photos. But then when you meet her on that first date you realize that she’s really overweight, or that her pics were taken a few years ago, or that she’s much less attractive than in her photos, or that her face is pretty but her body is anything but.
How do you prevent this problem?
Can you prevent this problem?
Is it really a problem you need to worry about?
I’ll give you my analysis, but I know other guys have a lot of thoughts and suggestions regarding this topic, so please leave those in the comments below.
Over the past 12 years I have been on online first dates that number well into the triple digits. So, I have a huge sample size from which to draw upon. I’ve also been talking about the topic of online dating with literally hundreds of men all over the world since 2009 and listening to their experiences as well. Given all of this data, I have extrapolated a few overall data points and possible techniques. They may or may not apply across the board, but I think they are at least generally accurate.
Here they are in no particular order.
1. This is usually not a major problem except for men who are extremely picky.
The issue of women showing up to dates not looking like their online dating photos is a problem and it is something I and other men have experienced. I’m not saying it’s not a problem and I’m not saying it never happens. Remember I said this as I continue with my analysis because it’s going to sound like I’m saying the opposite. I am not.
I am saying that this issue is not a big problem, nor is it a problem that happens all the time, nor does it occur with any statistical extreme if you have lots of online first dates. For example, if I were to place a guess, I would say that less than 5% of every first date I’ve had featured a woman who clearly and obviously looked much uglier than she did in her photos. There’s probably another 10% or so who looked a little less good than their photos presented but they were still easily hot enough to have sex with.
One of the reasons for this was actually my fault, since with that “ugly” 5%, I would go back to the photos I saw of her on the dating site/app and realize that she actually did look like her photos but I for some reason rushed and swiped/opened her anyway. Maybe I was wearing rose-colored glasses that day. Maybe I was just in a rush that day. Whatever. And I tend to be more discerning than most other men I talk to regarding physical appearance.
And, of course, sometimes this was not the case at all, and her photos really did look good and in real life she really did look bad. I’m just saying that sometimes this scenario is our fault, not the woman’s.
That approximate 5% figure doesn’t seem to conflict too much with what other men have reported. It seems to be something that happens infrequently but does happen.
The men who complain about this problem a lot I have found tend to be men who are unusually picky regarding physical appearance when it comes to women. These would include men such as:
- Men who only like really stick-skinny girls and literally refuse to have sex with any woman who weighs more than about 100 pounds regardless of how hot she is.
- Higher-income men who do hardcore sugar daddy game and expect nothing but perfect tens on every first date because they’re paying for it.
- Men from more upper-class social circles who are obsessed with only having sex with the upper 1% of women such as professional models, celebrities, actresses, wealthy heiresses, and so on.
- Men who work in the modeling industry and are thus “accustomed” to only seeing women of a very particular type, namely very tall, skinny, low-body fat, chiseled-faced women.
- Men who have blazing oneitis for a recent ex and only want to have sex with women who look just like her.
Based on my experience and conversations with a lot of men about this, if you find that you are “constantly” having a problem with women showing up to first dates who look “nothing” like their photos, you are most likely in one of those super-picky categories. As I’ve talked about on this blog before, the more picky you are about things like precise facial structure or specific body fat percentages with your women, the more work your dating life will be, and that’s just something you need to accept.
2. While this problem can be mitigated a little, it can’t ever be completely fixed.
I could give you several examples from my experience, but I’ll give you the one I thought of first.
Years ago, I was dating a woman who was my ideal physical type, meaning she was short, small, blonde, had decent boobs and a big ass. I found her extremely attractive both physically and in her personality and had a great time being with her. We eventually stopped seeing each other and, as 94% of my women do, she eventually came back to me after about four years. (It usually doesn’t take that long, but it did in her case.)
Since she was over age 33 she didn’t want to come right over to my place for sex, so I met her at a cheap Mexican restaurant instead. Not my standard system when I bring women back into my life, but as is often the case, women over 33 usually need a little more time to get to sex because of their sky-high ASD.
When I arrived she was already sitting at the table. She looked great. Small, beautiful, trim face, great cheekbones, the works. She looked just the same as she did four years prior. We ate a quick lunch and talked. I was excited to have sex with her again as soon as possible. When we paid for our respective meals (yes, she paid for her own food, just the way I like it), we both got up from the table to leave.
I was shocked at what I saw. For the first time in almost four years, I actually saw the rest of her body, since it was covered by the table we were using. Her ass, which used to be big but perfectly shaped, was now a massive, shapeless blob of fat. Her thighs were so thick that she almost walked funny. She had a new fat, flabby gut that was clearly visible under her shirt.
This woman had gained about 35-40 pounds, not good when you’re only about 5’1”. I’ve already talked about how the vast majority of Western women gain weight over time but that’s not the point of this story. The point is that even though she had radically gained weight, I absolutely could not tell by looking at her from the ribcage up. Her lower body was a glob of fat, but her face was perfectly chiseled, trim, and flawless, with a visible collarbone and everything. It was very weird. (And no, we never had sex. With that body it would have been difficult for me to get sexually aroused enough to actually have sex. We remained friends though. She’s a very nice person.)
Most women gain weight all over their bodies. If they gain 25 pounds, you can tell in their face and in their body. But some women are just mutants, and have perfectly trim, skinny faces regardless of the weight on the rest of them.
Other women are fantastically photogenic. My friends in the modeling and photography industries tell me that often the most beautiful women in modeling pictures are actually quite plain-looking in real life. Sometimes photos really do look different than seeing someone in real life.
The point is, no matter what techniques you use, if you go on enough online first dates you will run into women who don’t look as good as their photos. It’s a small downside of online dating you need to accept. If you absolutely hate that, use daygame or night game instead. Those are difficult too, but at least you can see exactly what you’re getting.
3. There are a few things you can do to mitigate this problem.
None of these things are sure-fire wins, but they will help put the odds in your favor.
- Date as young as you can (within your local laws of course). It’s just a fact that the younger a woman is the more likely she’ll look as good as her photos.
- In her photos, pay attention to any weird lighting or any filters she’s using. Filters have become the bane of dating in the last few years. (Thanks, Instagram!) Even super attractive women are using filters when they clearly don’t need any. If you suspect she’s using weird lighting or filters, pass.
- In her photos, pay attention to her collarbone. If it’s clearly visible, your odds are much better (though not 100% as I just demonstrated above). If she’s covering it or if you see her collarbone area but you don’t see a visible collarbone, this is usually indicative of higher body fat.
- If you’re suspicious, ask her to send you a live selfie. This means one she actually takes “live” and then sends you, not one she took weeks or months ago. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking for this. Women have asked me to do this and I’ve always complied with zero problems (which I recommend you do as well if you are asked). If we do it, they should fucking do it. If she refuses or gives you some excuses, pass.
- Extreme facial close-ups in photos are often indicative of other problems, even though one might assume the exact opposite.
- Obviously never meet up with a woman until you’ve seen a picture of her face. If none of her profile photos show her face (or only show it from a distance so it’s hard to see), ask her to send you a live selfie. If she refuses, regardless of the reason, move on.
If you guys have other things that have worked for you in the past, please let us know in the comments so we can all benefit.
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This is mainly a problem when a woman only has face pics on her profile as a lot do, so you get suspicious, in case she’s hiding something.
In that case, I politely ask for other pics that aren’t just a face pic and most women are ok with obliging (in most cases when I see more of her, I’m usually not attracted at all), while others can get bitchy and make bullshit excuses that they don’t have any pics, which is bullshit, as everyone’s smartphone has a camera on it to easily take pics.
With some women, you can just easily tell they’re a fattie from their fat face, but with others, their face is quite normal, but you wouldn’t know at all that they’re an overweight fattie, till you see their body pics and you’re disgusted by how fat they are, which isn’t common, but it does sometimes happen.
Me personally, I’m not into stick thin type genetic freak women who are on the opposite end, where their weird metabolism is such that they’re always really skinny, are flat chested as a board, they can eat whatever they like, they never seem to put on weight and they also don’t have to exercise at all.
There’s a few guys who are also like this, but not as many as women, as guys who are naturally skinny in their genetics, can bulk up by lifting weights. I like women who are in the middle, who aren’t too overly skinny and also not too overweight.
Guys can be guilty of this well (that is, use very old pics), but it’s primarily ones with no game, because those who regularly read this blog, know you need to look after your health, fitness, diet and get very good pics taken for online gaming.
I rarely get online dates so I have no clue. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to do online dating with little success. My appearance is ok. Although I am 64. Online dating , seems to be a huge amount of time , for little payoff. Certainly that is true on the West Coast of Canada ( I live in Vancouver ) , probably true anywhere in the Western world ? I do associate with a few young guys. I asked them about their online dating experiences. They had the same experience as me: huge amounts of time – little payoff.
Does anybody know about the filters the woman can put on her profile ? For instance can she put that she only wants to see men from 25 to 45 ? So in other words if I try to send her a message I will be blocked ? Also , when she’s swiping , since I am out of her age category , she won’t ever even see my profile ?
As far as going for an online date with a woman that looks cute in her pics , and turns out to be a fatty , I wish I had that problem hahaha.
Regardless , if I ever do have that problem , thank you BD for informing us that it would at the most only be 5%. Good to know.
Ps: how do l get a damn online date with a cutie ( I have little money ) ?
Thanks again , BD
.. or should I just forget this online stuff and go to plans B & C ( street game & clubs ) ?
I think this problem has gotten worse. My last blitz of 25 first dates, 8 of girls were significantly worse looking to the point of me not being interested in sleeping with them (and I don’t swipe right on no body pics).
Face Tune and photo editing has become a default skill in a big city like mine for girls. I’m not *that picky*.
That said 30% of girls also looked WAY better. One girl was literally the most beautiful girl I’ve ever dated and I had no clue from her pictures.
Another girl looked hot as hell in all her pictures, I had access to her FB and pictures from literally that week. The photos didn’t look edited at all but she was dumpy in person. It was SO subtle.
We have a group chat and my friends and I checked the all debatable ones with each other. I think the meta has changed, coming soon to a city near you.
There’s nothing to do though, just bail quickly and be efficient. The only clue I’ve become suspicious of is any girl who mentions being into photography, be extra picky about photos from those girls.
Oh I’ve also noticed, a few of these girls have real pictures but really let themselves go in recent months. Like went from hottie to not in a short time.
Annoying but *shrug*.
I’d like to add one possible reason why you encounter ugly women. It’s next level self-deception (which I used to have when I exited my last monogamous relationship years ago and the women were a bit scarce first):
You go to a date with a woman and hope that she looks better in real life than in her pictures. That happens sometimes but I wouldn’t count on it…
I’ve experienced the same; most women have no problem with it.
With the ones that do, my favorite excuses are “my phone doesn’t work” (how is she using the app then?) or “I don’t have a phone right now.” Haha.
If you’re over 60 look feel free to forget normal online dating altogether and look into sugar daddy game.
Yeah, this is a growing trend and it’s irritating. Thanks, Instagram!
Like I said in the article, that has happened to me A LOT. Too many guys focus on the women uglier than their photos but they often seem to forget the opposite, when women are hotter than their photos.
A few years ago I worked with a woman who was super sexy as hell (at least to me), cute face, the perfect body type I love, etc. Hot as fuck. She later friended me on Facebook and I quickly perused her photos and found to my shock that she looked fugly in her photos. Not “less attractive,” but UN-attractive. Borderline ugly even. It was really weird. Like I was looking at a completely different woman. I would never have opened this woman on a dating app had I seen these photos, yet in real life she was hot as hell.
That’s an extreme example but it goes to show that some really hot women just aren’t photogenic and take really bad photos.
Yeah, that goes back to the whole concept of “Oh well, she’s not hot but she’s here. She’s on a date with me sitting in front of me, I might as well fuck her.” I’ve been guilty of that myself in the past before I caught myself and stopped doing it. I addressed that here.
Tim Garrison, I’m 62. Started online dating in greater New York area a few years ago…had no trouble getting dates with women around my age, up to about 10 years younger.
Moved back home to Atlantic Canada, and results are similar, despite much smaller dating pool.
However, my experience, and that of a lot of other guys…it gets a lot more difficult once the age gap gets more than 8 – 10 years. But if you are failing to attract women roughly your age, there’s probably something wrong with your approach.
”Huge waste of time”? Certainly not in my experience. Still a good number of cute and hot older women our age, who want sex with a man who knows what he’s doing.
Regarding the issue of misleading photos, my experience is very similar to Caleb’s…it’s only a minor problem, easily circumvented with the suggested solutions.
It may be a week, two weeks, or more before I can get some of the girls I’m talking to online to agree to meet up with me in person due to Covid19. How often should I be talking to these girls to “tide them over” and should the date pitch be a little different than normal?
Once every 3 days or so.
No, but you should be a little more understanding / less aggressive when they express (bullshit) fears about corona.
I’m writing a new article now about how to modify your dating approach when meet times are extended due to this kind of emergency.
Ive had a LOT of women who are fuglier than their photos and they know it when we meet. I am 50 and they have generally been in their forties. I have major problems asking for a body photo as they then come out with the ‘youre just after sex arent you?’ and refuse but still want to meet. I of course refuse to meet up if they dont send it. My apps are Tinder and Match ( I know, I know). I use Match as they have more body info like height and body type. Im not picky at all. I actually had to do 30 minute first dates as I was getting fed up with fuglies. I think my main problems was twenty more lines on their faces than their flawless faced pics, frumpy librarian clothes or fatties, even if they have glam pics. Thats what happens when you get older, they have more years of previous pictures to call upon! It is a HUGE time suck. I had to stop online and go night/social circle game for a while as it was getting silly. This is easy for me but its a much smaller pool and more of a chance that I’ll bump into previous girlies. Ill try online again, when my pool dries up. Give it a year or so to refresh…
There are many non-bullshit fears, the primary among them being “I often visit my (grand)parents to care for them, and given how severely the virus affects the elderly, I’ll make every effort not to become contagious myself”.
LOL epic!
On topic : women are self aware, usually. If she’s blazing hot with huge boobs you’ll see a bunch of pictures of her in a bikini or bike clothes or something.
If she isn’t, well…maybe she’s plain?
I dated someone a couple of years back who’s pictures were meh and looked just meh in most of her street clothes. However, I had seen her in spandex and realized that 1) her boobs were real and natural and enormous and 2) she was hiding them.
She had the nicest figure I’ve ever seen, but you had to get her naked to know because her clothes were not flattering at all.
This is one of the advantages of Daygame in that what you see is what you get. Lol!
Correct, that is the single big advantage daygame has over online dating; you see exactly what you get.
BD, I read that among the first disruptions from coronavirus was prostitutes. Many clients are over 60 and have been taking a pass.
Any insight on what has happened in the Sugar Baby world would be most interesting.
For old guys, especially old out of shape guys, that would be prudent.
I’m not in sarging mode right now (haven’t been in quite a while) but I’m pretty sure the sugar daddy world is a HUGE buyers market right now, with tons of scared old guys staying home and tons of hot, reckless, young girls who don’t give a fuck about cornoavirus and who just need help paying their bills scrambling to find new daddies to bang. The discussions I’ve had with both girls and guys in that world seems to reflect exactly that.
So any of you guys who have wanted to give sugar daddy game a try, damn, now’s the time.
The unassailable logic of this situation has forced me into facing a bitter truth. It’s not fear that they’ve fucked better dudes, it’s the certainty that they are currently or a least recently fucking a guy they are repulsed by. That’s something to get past.
This is exactly the moment to strike. In the last recession, I was the bug, and am frankly still paying for it. This recession I’m the windshield and am not even remotely worried. I’ve even had good heart to hearts with all the Boomers I love, because OK Boomer just went viral.
I can’t, in good conscience, use money the feds give me to recover from a recession on federal loans. I want to, but I think it would be better to put that money into the pockets of some of those who need it the worst.
At the same time, I’ve taken a year’s worth of dance classes, but I really need like 2-3 regular follows to take it to the next level. And all of a sudden, everything is closed…..
Holy hell life just got better.
In my experience it’s unpredictable if I will actually like any given woman innperson based on her profile pictures:
About 1/3 do feel as attractive in person as I imagined them to be.
About 1/3 feel drastically more attractive in person than I imagined them to be.
About 1/3 feel drastically uglier in person than I imagined them to be.
I will try the tip of exchanging a ‘live selfie’.
One red flag is when the position the camera high, like above their head and take the pic looking down on their face and body as they look up at the camera. That is purposefully done to hide their true size.
It’s a pretty reliable sign that they’re on the bigger side IME.
Ah, I remember when people on these platforms would speak of the so-called SIF (secret internet fattie) lol.
Don’t understand the logic behind it, but obviously they must do it for a reason. There are most definitely guys who fuck them, and get into relationships with them who otherwise wouldn’t.
I don’t know why anyone would care about this. Put it this way, you meet her and she’s BETTER than her pictures are, but she smells BAD.
What are you gonna do? You gonna bounce.
I’m totally prepared to say “look, you seem real nice, but I don’t see this working. Let me get the check, and take care” at any time.
Dont waste time and energy worrying about boogeymen that never need to be a problem if you don’t want them to be.
Totally under your own control.
The problem is that angle has now become a societal norm and even hot/skinny girls are doing it.
BD, I read through the sugar game parts of your Younger Women Manual.
Here’s my thing: I don’t pay for sex.
However, the government is giving me money I don’t need, while the ladies on sugar baby sites clearly need some money.
Plus, the government needs my help, darn it. LOL
And I do have one other problem. I’m over a year into dancing, and I rotate way too often. I need to dance with the same partner(s) for a while.
Paying bored college girls $50 of government money to teach them how to swing dance sounds like a damned fine way to ride out a quarantine.
Esp. since my kitchen is better than their mom’s.
Despite the coronavirus, Tinder/bumble hasn’t been shut down.
Proof positive that these apps are solely for women to stroke their egos… As if you needed any more.
If it hasn’t been added here, one sure fire thing is a woman who has a LOT of photos.
This is most normal women.
You can check the dates on the photos as well.
If a woman only has a few photos, it’s almost a guarantee that she is a fake or doesn’t look like that anymore.
Especially if her profile picture is from 2017-2016 or something like that.
Forget bars and clubs. Street game yes. But, if you can’t get laid by picking a woman up in person you won’t do well on dates either. As you get older “game” (looks matter but not as much with older women) becomes even more important if you’re trying to hook up with women 50 . And by game I mean everything blackdragon lays out for the date and in person interaction. For women younger than 50 you’re going to need some money and look a lot younger. More money and more looks the younger you go.
I’m 50 and I know other guys in the 60’s who are literally are buried in pussy. From late 40’s to 60’s. One in particular is short, fat, and bald. But he’s youthful in personality. He has some money. Not rich but he has a Harley, takes trips, works out, has a fun life and most importantly he carries his short little fat ass as an alpha male… he has a big personality. He doesn’t give a fuck that he’s short, fat, bald, and old. he climbs his old little ass on that loud harley and slays it. Women love him. He’s fun and living life to it’s fullest. I’m not saying go get a harley. That guy could be driving a honda and get laid. It’s his game. Oh and get testosterone therapy. You turn women into all you can bufftets and they will love it.
AS far as pictures. It’s bad. Especially when you first start out. I’ve been suckered a few times but eventually you learn to be a detective and sniff that shit out.
Women who are dishonest about their pics will slow play you most of the time. They’re hoping that you will get into them as a person and not care as much when you meet up. Best thing to do is learn to make women shit or get off the pot in regards to first meet. If they hesitate or give any excuses move on. I also do some facebook or instagram lookups but many times those are doctored also. Literally best thing I have found to is press them for a meetup quickly but there’s no guarantee. A woman can literally lose or gain weight, transforming into a different person in months. You see this with divorced women all the time. Get depressed lose 60lbs and then gain it back over night. So yeah… are no fool proof methods.
A photographer friend once told me that how pretty a person looks in a picture depends mostly on how angular their features are, not how actually pretty they are IRL.
The psychology of this goes further, a woman with a sharp-featured, angular, bird-like face will always not just look prettier, but also smarter and more interesting as well: but only on a photo: IRL men prefer soft, baby faces on women.
I used to reject a lot of pudgy faced women in OLD, mistakenly thinking they are fat, whereas in fact they just had round faces on a perfectly fit body. And inversely, I met with several sharp-faced women, who seemed slim i their pics, but actually just had slim heads on a pudgy body.