-By Caleb Jones

“Marriage is like that show Everyone Loves Raymond, but it’s not funny. All the problems are the same but instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue everyone’s just pissed off and tense.”

The 2007 movie Knocked Up is one of those very rare times a Hollywood movie presents both genders accurately in terms of how they behave in dating and relationship situations. The first time I watched the film, and the few times I’ve re-watched it in later years, I’m always struck how well the screenwriters and director nailed it. This happens so rarely that Knocked Up is a real treat to watch (it’s a very funny movie also). Its accuracy completely fails in the last 15 minutes, when it becomes the standard Hollywood/Disney girly fairytale, but prior to that it’s good stuff.

I’m assuming that most of you have probably already watched the film at some point. Today I’m going to go through the statements and actions of the movie’s characters and present them in ways you probably didn’t think of when you were first watching the movie. All dialogue quotes below are taken from the movie verbatim.

(If you haven’t watched this movie before, that’s okay, you will still derive value from this article. And yes, there are definitely spoilers below, but hey, this movie is seven years old so that’s your problem.)

Married People and Single People

First you have the stressed-out, married, over-33 woman who is nervous when she goes to the club with her younger, hotter, single sister. Married Woman is distressed that she won’t be as hot as the other hottie girls at the club.

Once the two sisters, Married Woman and Hot Single Girl arrive at the club, Married Woman is pleased when a horde of needy beta males clumsily hit on her. She loves the attention and feels sexy.

Why? Because she’s married. Being married beyond the three-year mark is extremely boring, especially sexually, and this is exciting to her. She can experience a sexuality and joyfulness impossible in her boring monogamous marriage to Married Beta Male. (More on this marriage in a minute.)

On the other hand, Hot Single Girl does not like guys hitting on her married sister. She gets jealous and feels threatened by guys giving her sister attention rather than her. Since all women crave attention more than anything else, she cockblocks her. As soon as a guy hits on her sister, Hot Single Girl blurts out “She’s married.”

Married Woman immediately gets pissed at Hot Single Girl. She doesn’t want guys to know she married while she’s flirting with men (ah, monogamy). I wonder what her husband at home would think about that?

Do YOU know any married women like this? Heh.

But let’s continue…

The beta male hitting on Married Woman, being a guy, is horny and doesn’t care if she’s married, so he continues flirting with Married Woman, who eats it up. Hot Single Girl ups the ante and says “She has kids!” More conflict between the two women, and the horny beta still doesn’t care. (He’s casually responds “I love kids”, and eyes Married Woman sexily.)

Fun. See how accurate this all is? And we’re just getting started…

First Inaccuracy

Then the first of the only two big inaccuracies in the movie take place. The hero of our story, Loser Beta Male, meets Hot Single Girl at the club. Hot Single Girl gets tipsy and immediately starts escalating on Loser Beta Male, who is chubby, needy, dorky, ugly, and has zero game. She literally asks the guy to go to “his place” first, kisses him before he kisses her, and practically drags the guy to his house and has sex with him.

This is complete bullshit and does not happen in real life (barring the usual 1% exceptions to every rule). 9s and 10s do not escalate on betas who are 3s, even when drunk. But this is the only inaccuracy for the rest of the movie until the very end.

The Pregnancy

Hot Single Girl, who of course is Very Smart™ and Very Put Together™ and has a Great Career™ is shocked to find out she got pregnant from Loser Beta Male™, who has No Job™ and sits at home all day and Smokes Weed™.

Hot Single Girl does what most women over age 25 do when they get pregnant on accident. Does she get an abortion like she should? To avoid having a baby she doesn’t want that will completely screw up her life with a complete loser father? Nope. She decides to keep the baby and “keep it a secret”. How many times have you seen otherwise intelligent, educated, put-together women make this ridiculous decision that fucks up their lives when everything was going great for them? I’ve seen it a lot.

(It’s fine when a woman has a baby as a pre-planned event in her life. I’m talking about when it’s an accident and goes for it anyway.)

Even Hot Single Girl’s own mother pleads with her to get an abortion so she doesn’t destroy her life. Hot Single Girl says no. It’s Her Life Dammit™, and if she wants to completely fuck it up, that’s her choice. So she will.

During the entire pregnancy, from the very beginning all the way to the end, the purchasing of the baby stuff, the doctor visits, during everything, she constantly commands Loser Beta Male around, and he obeys like a little puppy. “It’s not my situation,” she sneers, “It’s our situation.” It doesn’t occur to her it was her decision, and hers alone, to carry the baby to term. Loser Beta Male would have been happy if she had an abortion. (So would she.)

Loser Beta Male is a real beta. She’s not used to betas, and he’s not used to hot chicks. At one point they have this conversation:

Hot Single Girl: You’re a sweet guy, right?
Loser Beta Male: I think I am, yeah.
Hot Single Girl: Don’t fuck me over, okay?
Loser Beta Male: I wouldn’t do that. Just so you know, I’m the guy girls fuck over. I’m that guy. So you don’t fuck me over, okay? I couldn’t take it.

See, Hot Single Girl, like most hot single girls, is used to dating hot assholes, not betas. She’s used to getting fucked over by all the players, jerks, and Alphas she’s accustomed to having sex with. Loser Beta Male is a beta, who is scared to death that Hot Single Girl will vanish out of his life with no explanation, which is what all the other women he’s been with have done. It’s a true clash of cultures and experiences between them.

As time goes on, the drama and orders in the relationship continue and intensify, as is typical. Hot Single Girl actually tells Loser Beta Male that he must support her, in all things, no matter what, even if she’s wrong. (Does that sound familiar to any of you, gentlemen? Hmmmmm?)

Bitching about his relationship to her, Loser Beta Male laments, “If I wrote out a list of things Hot Single Girl won’t let me do, it would be endless! Have I told her to stop doing anything? Ever? No!” Doesn’t get more beta than that.

Finally, while Hot Single Girl’s hormones go ballistic and her respect for Loser Beta Male is at an all-time low, they have a huge argument in the car while on the way to a doctor appointment. (It’s her car, and she’s driving, of course.) Hot Single Girl screams and complains about all the stuff she’s sacrificing. “My job! My body! My youth! My vagina!” Again, it never occurs to her that she chose to have this baby, when everyone else in her life (including logic and her own mother) warned her that not getting an abortion would be a bad idea.

Finally she pulls the car over and orders Loser Beta Male out. He obeys like a pussy and doesn’t even know where he is. Then she drives away, onwards to the doctor’s office.

Does he hard next her ass and never see her again? No, he’s a beta with oneitis. He angrily walks three miles to the doctor’s office to “support her”. And of course, she immediately starts yelling at him the instant he walks into the office.

Being Married

The movie also accurately features a married couple, Married Woman (who is Hot Single Girl’s sister) and Married Beta Male. One night, Married Beta Male meekly asks his wife, “So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?” Married Woman makes a disgusted look on her face and says, “Ugh! Sounds awful!”

Since they’re both way past the first three years in her marriage, Married Woman is now bored with sex with Married Beta Male, as is typical in monogamous marriages. Being the typical over-three-years married woman, Married Woman is stressed, bitchy, and high drama, and is on Married Beta Male’s ass all the time.

In a later scene, Married Woman says to him, “I want to rip your fucking head off because you’re so fucking stupid…you fucking dipshit!” Married Beta Male just sits there and nods. He doesn’t even fight back. Finally he responds, “I’m at a point where I don’t know what I can say.” She responds to him by calling him an asshole.

(Side note. Think about what would happen if, in a comedy movie, the genders in this scene were reversed. How would people react if a husband screamed at his wife and said, “I want to rip your fucking head off because you’re so fucking stupid…you fucking bitch!” And then the wife just nodded meekly and said nothing. And the husband kept screaming at her. Would people think that was funny? Would the audience accept such a scene? Would modern-day Hollywood even put such a scene in a comedy movie? Keep this in mind as we go on, especially when I make my final point at the end of this article.)

As a result of all this drama and lack of sex, while Married Beta Male loves his wife and his kids, he’s very unhappy, and the fire has gone out of his life. “”Kids love bubbles,” he says, “I wish I liked anything as much as kids like bubbles.”

Many nights, Married Beta Male lies to his wife, saying he’s going to work, when in fact he goes to see movies by himself or plays fantasy football with his friends. At one point Married Woman catches Married Beta Male red-handed at a fantasy football meeting (she assumed he was cheating on her…but he’s too beta for that), and even more drama ensues.

Being over age 33, aging also pisses off Married Woman, and blames men for it, and hates younger, more attractive women. Crying to her sister, she says, “My youth is over! Fucking men! I get worse looking, and he gets better looking! It’s not fair! Our babysitter is such a bitchy little high school cunt!”

Ending Inaccuracy

At about the last 15 minutes of the movie, it does what most Hollywood comedies does and switches to a bullshit Disney fairytale. Loser Beta Male instantly transforms into Responsible Father. He stops smoking weed, gets a job, starts reading baby books, starts making money, gets his own apartment, and becomes Responsible™. He mans up during the childbirth, kicking everyone out of the room except for him and her. It’s the first time he shows any strength whatsoever. See, he’s a Real Man Now™. Hot Single Girl has the baby, and her and Strong Responsible Father live Happily Ever After™.

Yep, complete crap. Like I said, the ending is where the movie falls down in order to satisfy the females in the audience. What really would have happened, that you and I have seen happen over and over again in real life, is that Loser Beta Male would have stayed exactly the same, they’d Try To Work It Out™, fail miserably, and Hot Single Girl would go on to live the rest of her life amid stress and constant financial problems as a single mother, trolling Match.com looking for a provider.

The Great Irony

The movie is over, but the story continued and got very interesting…

Shortly after the movie was released, the actress who played Hot Single Girl (Katherine Heigl) publicly denounced the movie as…wait for it…sexist against women. “It paints the women as shrews,” she said, “As humorless and uptight, and paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys.” Many women agreed with her.

Sure, the movie made the woman look bitchy at times and the guys look fun at others. However it never occurred to Ms. Heigl, as well as her supporters, that throughout the entire movie men were portrayed as sad, pathetic pussies, women were portrayed as smart and successful, and the women were in complete control of the men at all times.

Apparently that’s “sexist against women”.

Yeah.

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