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-By Caleb Jones
A few warnings first. If you are an Alpha Male 1.0 who is committed to a lifestyle of bossing women around and putting up with semi-regular drama because of it (because the control you exert is "worth the drama") then this article will make you extremely upset. The concept of temporarily kicking a woman out of your life rather than lecturing her or laying down the law is extremely uncomfortable for Alpha 1.0s.
Also, if you are a woman over the age of 33, you will also be very upset today if you continue reading, since you will view a soft next as abandoning a woman, which it is not. I shouldn't have to say this since this is a blog for men, but I know from the traffic statistics and my email that many of you ladies read this blog anyway.
Therefore, I will ignore any comments or email from any of you drama guys saying that a real man screams back at a woman or you women saying that soft nexting is mean. As always, this is a blog only for men who want to be happy. This is not a blog for women, nor is it for men who don't mind occasional unhappiness. You two groups are more than welcome to go read some other blog. You've been warned.
The soft next is the greatest, most powerful, and most effective tool in a man's relationship toolbox. Since women crave attention from a man more than anything else, the strategic removal of attention will transform a screaming, angry woman into a compliant, happy sweetheart, and do so with minimal effort and zero drama...if you have the balls to do it, which most men do not.
Summarized, the soft next is when you temporarily remove yourself from a woman's life, without any arguments or anger, and ignore any and all contact from her during that time frame (usually 24 hours to 7 days), because she gave you drama. It is not a punishment. It is not something you do because you're angry. It is a teaching tool.
After the soft next is over, you simply resume the relationship as if nothing happened. Assuming you perform the soft next correctly (and many men don't), you will be shocked at how nice and happy she is to you once the process is over, even if just a few days prior she was acting like a complete bitch. It's a nuclear-strength technique that works almost every time, in ways that will amaze you.
As a side point, when I use the word "drama," I'm referring to a very specific definition, which per the glossary is:
Drama – Any harsh negative actions directed from a woman to man where the man is the target of said negativity. Screaming, nagging, complaining, arguing, demands, crying “at you,” threats, ultimatums, the “silent treatment,” refusing sex because of non-medical reasons, all of these things are drama, and there are many others. Drama is not “anything negative.” Specifically, it must be harsh (sweetly lying would not be considered drama) and focused at the man (angrily complaining about her boss at work would not be considered drama).
If you want more detail on this definition, please read this. The point is that I don't soft next women because they're angry at their sister, or because they had a bad day at work, or because they gently bring a problem in the relationship to my attention in a calm tone of voice. The only time you need to soft next women is if they harshly direct their anger or frustration at you personally, either verbally or electronically.
If a woman I'm dating is standing in front of me hysterically screaming about her boss, her ex-husband, or Republicans, that's perfectly cool with me and she can do that all day. As an Alpha Male 2.0, I never tell women what to do; I have more important things to focus on. But the minute she starts bitching about me, now we have a problem. Per the 20 second rule, she has 20 seconds to calm down before she gets a soft next so I can get back to my happy life. As always, if she hates that, she can dump me and go be with a man who doesn't mind drama and unhappiness. (Beta males put up with drama and many Alpha Male 1.0s kind of like it.)
Fortunately, this never happens. To be clear: no woman I have ever soft nexted dumped me because I soft nexted her. Soft nexts increase attraction and desire for you, not reduce it. Responding to her drama, like arguing with her or screaming at her is what reduces attraction, since you're giving her the attention she desires. (It doesn't matter if it's negative attention; attention is attention.) When you're arguing with her, you're playing her game at that point, a game she is biologically designed to win and you are not.
The soft next is done a very specific way and can easily be done incorrectly if you rush it, or if you lack emotional control, or if you have oneitis. If you want specific steps on how to do it, you can either purchase my relationships ebook or look at a somewhat outdated list of steps here. Regardless, this is not an article about how to do a soft next; it's an article about specific times I've soft nexted women in the past and the results.
Lastly, I have to state that because soft nexting is a reaction to drama you are receiving from a woman, if you have to soft next women a lot, you're doing something wrong. You're either dating high-drama women (which is your fault), or you're dating women under the age of 23, who tend to be more disorganized and drama-prone (again, your fault), or your frame is way off (again, your fault), or you are causing the drama in the first place (your fault). Just be aware of this. I personally haven't had to actually soft next a woman in about two years, because I manage my relationships with women correctly, i.e. I have relationships that are happy and low drama, or else I don't have them.
As I've said many times, the only reason a woman should be in your life is if she makes you happier than if she wasn't there. If this is not true, then she should not be there. The world would be a far happier place if men (and women!) followed this very simple standard. Unless you're raising small children who are depending on the two of you, tolerating consistent unhappiness from a woman in your life is just stupid. If that sounds harsh, let me remind you that 70-80% of divorces are initiated by the wife, not the husband.
Alrightee, let's get to the case studies. These are all real events that happened to me that are 100% accurate based on my admittedly foggy memory. All of them were many years ago (because again, I haven't soft nexted anyone in quite a while; I haven't needed to).
This was the very first time I had to soft next my Asian MLTR / OLTRish woman from several years ago. We had been seeing each other for about a year as FBs with virtually zero drama, and I slowly started to upgrade her to MLTR. One day, pretty much out of the blue, she must have been in a bad mood or PMSing, because she started bitching at me about some very silly stuff that I honestly don't remember. She was at my house, and I warned her that if she continued with her crap, I'd have to take her home. She continued her crap, so I simply said, "Okay, let's go." (She had no car at the time.) She got very quiet but complied.
During the ride home, she was more or less okay, but after getting home, she plastered a whole pile of insults against me on her MySpace page (yes, this was back in the MySpace days). Soft next initiated! This being her first soft next, I decided that 48 hours should probably do it. She sent me a text later that evening and I ignored it. She sent me a few more and I ignored those. She called me and I didn't answer. She proceeded to call me three more times (I think; my memory is hazy) and leave two voice mails. The first voice mail was very nice and she asked nicely for me to call her back. On the second voice mail she was crying, begging me to call her. Felt a little bad, but knew I had to hold out. I didn't respond.
She texted me one more time the following day. I ignored it. On the day after that, I texted her setting up our next meet for next week, acting as if nothing happened. She responded immediately, and very enthusiastically. A few days later we met up, she was happy and smiling as could be, and we had a great time. I never had to soft next her again for at least another year and half or so. This is more amazing considering she had non-stop drama with her boyfriend before me.
Soft nexts work.
Once I had an MLTR who was a highly educated woman in her early 30s who made almost six figures. One day, at her house, we were having wine (or should I say, she was having wine, since I don't drink). I started to undress her and she stopped me, making some excuses that didn't make any sense. This usually means there is a specific reason a woman has, but doesn't want to tell you. More often than not, she's ether upset with you about something or there's another man in the picture you're not aware of.
In this case, I think there was another man in the picture, but I wasn't sure. While I don't like not having sex, if a woman I'm seeing doesn't want to have sex with me, that's perfectly fine, since I'm always nonmonogamous thus I can always go get it somewhere else. This is very unlike men in monogamous relationships, where if the woman refuses sex, and eventually she will, it's a very serious problem in the relationship or marriage, often resulting in resentment, anger, cheating or divorce. As usual, absolute sexual monogamy is conducive to societal acceptance but not to long-term happiness.
I tried a few more times, she resisted, so I stopped. We talked for a little while longer, and I got up to go home. She wanted me to stay, but I said if she didn't want to have sex with me, it was perfectly fine, but I wasn't going to stay much longer. Per my usual standard, if a woman doesn't want to have sex with me because she's not feeling well or has some kind of medical issue, that's perfectly acceptable. But if she doesn't want to have sex with me because she's mad at me or because she's having sex with some other man, I see no reason to sit there with blue balls for hours on end. I don't do unhappiness, or friend zone. More importantly, I'm on a Mission and I have better things to do.
So I left. She was upset, and started hurling a few insults at me as I turned to leave. Uh oh! She was fine up until that point, but now...soft next initiated! I smiled and said, "I don't do drama. Have a nice night," and left. I decided on a three day soft next, since this was not the first time she got a little bitchy with me.
She sent me several texts on the way home which I ignored. The next day I heard nothing, but the day after she sent me a few friendly texts, which again I ignored. Soon she started calling me childish and immature for not responding to her. I simply smiled, knowing that the soft next was working and her attraction for me was building. (Men have trouble understanding the concept that a woman's anger and attraction often build for a man at the same time.) Again, I ignored her texts.
After three days were over, I sent her a text out of the blue. She waited several hours to respond, and responded politely but coldly. I told her we should meet up at her house this weekend, and she agreed, though coldly.
That Saturday night, as soon as I walked into her house and talked to her for about ten minutes, she started ripping my pants off with no prompting from me, and gave me one of the best blowjobs of my life. She couldn't tear her clothes off fast enough, and we had off-and-on sex for three hours. From that day forward, she was always nice to me, I never had to soft next her ever again, and she never resisted sex ever again. Quite the opposite; she was insatiable.
Soft nexts work.
Let me repeat: this was a very intelligent, high income, college educated woman in her 30s, lest you think that soft nexts only work on young women or dumb women. No, they work on all women, of all ages, including women in their 30s or 40s. Older women play this stuff a little more cool than the younger ones, but it still works. Assuming you're doing everything else right in the relationship, no woman, of any age, can resist the power of a properly executed soft next.
Years ago I was dating an MLTR in her 20s. She was extremely intelligent, Ivy League college educated, and multilingual. She was at my house one evening and she did not have have a car. We had been seeing each other for quite a while with no problems. My nonmonogamous EFA was very strong and we never discussed anything like exclusivity. While in my bathroom, she rummaged through my trash can and found a used pregnancy test. I know she rummaged through the trash, because I had made sure other trash had covered the test when I threw the test away.
She walked into the living room where I was relaxing. With a horrified look on her face, she said, "I don't mean to be a snoop, but I found a used pregnancy test in your bathroom."
"Yeah," I said nodding, and continued to drink my water.
She had a fucking meltdown. She started screaming, ranting, and insulting. Soft next initiated! I shrugged and calmly told her I didn't do drama. She fumed, grabbed her cell phone, went out into my back yard, called up one of her friend zone guys, and started screaming and crying at him about how horrible I was (though I couldn't catch most of the conversation; I was too busy working on a business proposal). Again I will repeat that I never acted like a boyfriend in any way and we had never discussed exclusivity or monogamy in any fashion, so I knew she was just being irrational.
Eventually she came back in, red-faced, and continued to throw drama at me. I used my standard soft nexting line, "Would you like me to take you home?"
She thought about it for a few seconds and said yes. I said, "Great!" got up, threw my coat on, and walked out to the car without another word. She silently and angrily followed.
In the car, I turned on a top 40 music station to reduce the odds of her saying anything on the way home. With a soft next, it's very important to keep your mouth shut once the next is initiated, or else you'll just make things worse. Thankfully, she was quiet during the ride.
Halfway there, she called her friend zone beta male and arranged to meet him at a restaurant. She then asked me to drop her off there instead of her home, which I did with a happy smile.
Once there, I dropped her off, and her friend zone bought her dinner while he listened to her complain about me for several hours. (This is one of a friend zone's many jobs, listen to women they want to have sex with complain about the men they're actually having sex with.) Since we hadn't had sex yet that evening, on my way back home I texted a different woman, an FB, and had sex with her instead.
Since the drama was particularly egregious, I decided her soft next needed to last six days. Normally it would have been longer since I don't tolerate these kinds of outbursts, but this was her first offence, so I didn't want to go too crazy. I knew that if she ever pulled this shit again, the next soft next would be two weeks, if not longer. She didn
't contact me for about three or four days. When she finally did, I ignored the texts. She got the point quickly and stopped texting, but resumed two days later. A day or two after that, I texted her out of the blue like nothing happened. She was so excited she could barely contain herself. We met up that evening, had a wonderful time, had great sex, and she spent the night. She went on to be one of the longest, happiest, and most important MLTRs of my entire life. To this day, many years later, she remains a good friend.
She didn't contact me for about three or four days. When she finally did, I ignored the texts. She got the point quickly and stopped texting, but resumed two days later. A day or two after that, I texted her out of the blue like nothing happened. She was so excited she could barely contain herself. We met up that evening, had a wonderful time, had great sex, and she spent the night. She went on to be one of the longest, happiest, and most important MLTRs of my entire life. To this day, many years later, she remains a good friend.
Soft nexts work.
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