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Whenever the discussion of monogamy not working and non-monogamy being a less-bad option is had, many men bring up all kinds of excuses as to why they would “never do” non-monogamy. They will usually blurt out some knee-jerk excuses without really thinking them through, like what their mothers will think, how they might get an STD, and so on.
-By Caleb Jones
I listed every excuse and objection to non-monogamy that anyone could possibly come up with along with their answers in this article here, and I strongly suggest you read that article if you have concerns about non-monogamy. I also wrote a separate article addressing the concerns men have about OLTR Marriage and open marriages here.
But…
Rarely are these concerns what men are really concerned about. Usually these weak objections are smokescreens for the real concern men have about this. Often these men don’t want to actually verbalize this concern because they don’t want to look weak, or needy, or like a beta, or like they have oneitis. So instead they toss out a bullshit irrational or philosophical objection about “What if everyone did that?” or how sex really isn’t that important or some other nonsense.
But you and I know what the real concern is, don’t we? It’s simply that this guy couldn’t emotionally handle it if the woman he was dating, or his girlfriend, or his wife actually ended up having sex with another guy.
I’ve addressed this concern many times and in many ways over the years, but I’ve never devoted an article to it specifically. This is that article. This is the official and comprehensive answer to the concern of “OMG she might fuck another guy oh nooooooo!!!!”
Here we go...
1. Not all women will automatically have sex with other men just because they are in a non-monogamous relationship.As I discussed in great detail in The Unchained Man, women follow a completely different sexual pattern than men. Most men stupidly think that women view sex just like men. In other words, that women are horny as hell 24/7, thinking about sex all the time, and will leap at the chance to fuck other men as soon as they’re given permission to do so.
No. That’s how we men view sex. But women don’t. While there are some women like this (I’ll address them in a minute), most women are not. Instead, women go through phases in their lives where they are very horny, and other times where they barely want sex at all.
I have vast experience having many multi-year-long non-monogamous relationships. In addition, over the past ten years I’ve communicated with thousands of men who have as well. From all of this data I can tell you for a fact that approximately 10% of women in FB relationships and 50% of women in MLTR or OLTR relationships will not have sex with other men even if you’re having sex with other women. They don’t want to. Either they’re going through a phase where they aren’t interested, or their ASD is very high, or they’re older, or for various other reasons known only to the female psyche.
Granted, this does leave 90% of women in FB relationships and a remaining 50% of women in MLTR or OLTR relationships who may have sex with other men at certain times in the relationship (though not consistently). I’ll address those in a minute.
The point here is that just because you would love to have sex with other women all the time does not mean that the woman you’re dating would love to have sex with other men all the time.
Dude. You’re projecting. Women are not men. Their behavior patterns are very different.
2. Older women are far less likely to have sex with other men.I have said repeatedly that men should not have a girlfriend (monogamous or non-monogamous doesn’t matter) until he’s 30 years old, shouldn’t move in with a woman (legally married or not doesn’t matter) until he’s at least 35 years old, and shouldn’t have any kids until he’s around 40 years old and has accomplished most of his financial/career goals.
I have also said that no man of any age should get into a really serious relationship with long-term expectations with any woman under the age of about 25. Less serious relationships with women under 25 are perfectly fine; I have several FBs who are well under this age. But a serious relationship with long-term expectations with women these young is usually a recipe for disaster. Read this for more details.
This means that if you do this correctly and aren’t stupid, the few women you’ll have in your life who are very serious (serious, long-term girlfriends or wives) are going to be a little older.
As I’ve talked about in great detail, the older a woman gets, the more her ASD grows. This is a real problem when you want to have sex with her on the first or second date, but when it comes to having sex with other men in a non-monogamous relationship, this ASD actually helps you, since because of that very same ASD, she is far less likely to actually have sex with other men outside of you.
Because of her ever-growing ASD, she’ll likely consider things like that as immature, gross, and/or inappropriate for her to do. She’ll tolerate you doing it because you’re a man, and as all high-ASD over-33 women know, men are immature barbarians. So, if you do it she’ll roll her eyes and accept it (provided you're managing the relationship correctly of course), but she has no interest in doing the same.
I’ll give you just one simple example. I’m in an OLTR Marriage that is sexually open. Both me and my wife Pink Firefly are allowed to have sex with other people. Of course, I regularly have sex with my FBs on a weekly basis. However, Pink Firefly is a quiet, reserved, ASD-filled, decently high-Disney, practicing Christian (meaning she actually goes to church and shit) and full-time preschool teacher in her forties. Do you really think she has any desire whatsoever to hit up Tinder or her local bar to go bang dudes? Do you really think she would enjoy that kind of thing? Do you think she would consider any of that appropriate for her?
The answer is no. And that is typical for women her age.
You’re going to spend most of your life well beyond age 35. This means that any serious women in your life are likely also going to be that age or older, at least for most of your life (again, unless you’re ridiculously stupid and marry a 19-year-old). The odds are overwhelming that these women are not going to have any interest in banging other guys just because you’re doing the same with other women, and most other Alpha Male 2.0s will report exactly this. (It's it a 100% guarantee? No. There are no 100% guarantees in life. But the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor, particularity if you take my relationship advice and manage the relationship correctly.)
3. Young, hot girls are going to have sex with other men, but you shouldn’t be in serious relationships with these women in the first place, so you shouldn’t give a shit.
Older women probably won’t have sex with other men in non-monogamous relationships. However, it is certainly true that if you’re seeing a much younger woman (under the age of 25 or so) she will probably hook up with other guys and do so with glee. Double this if she’s really good looking, and double that again if she’s very extroverted and/or has a large social circle.
Yes, most of the hot younger women I’ve been with, both now and in the past, were indeed having sex with other guys, and sometimes even other girls. Many of them, perhaps even most of them had full-on boyfriends they were cheating on by being with me. (Monogamy doesn't work, guys! Get it through your fuckin' heads!)
But once again, you shouldn’t be in serious relationships with women like this in the first place. FBs or lower-end MLTRs with women like this are perfectly fine. Wonderful, in fact. But if you’re 34 years old and are shocked that your smokin’ hot 19-year-old FB fucks some random guy at a party, you shouldn’t be surprised.
More importantly, you shouldn’t care. And if you do care, if you really, really, really care deeply about what a friggin’ 19-year-old teenager you’re banging is doing in her spare time, then my friend, you have some serious neediness issues you need to work through. It’s not about non-monogamy or women having sex with other men at this point; it’s about you and your neediness issues.
By the way, if you’re dumb enough to get into a committed, monogamous relationship with a young, cute girl, guess what? SHE’LL FUCK OTHER GUYS BEHIND YOUR BACK ANYWAY. I have said numerous times that women under the age of about 23 are functionally incapable of sexual monogamy even if they promise it. Do you realize how many women this age I was having sex with who had boyfriends they were cheating on? Haven’t I said many times that one of the dumbest things’ men do is get into monogamous relationships with young girls and then expect them to never cheat?
Sexual monogamy is not in the cards for young, hot women no matter what kind of relationship you have with them. Accept it, or never have sex with any women this young.
4. Even, if in the worst case scenario it actually happens, you get used to it very quickly. The only reason it’s a big deal to you is because it hasn’t happened to you yet.
Let’s take the worst case scenario and say that you’re a super jealous guy who tries non-monogamy but you go out of your way to screen for a woman who is less likely to have sex with other men (screening is a huge mistake in my opinion, but let’s go with it). One day you discover that she’s had sex with another guy.
Are you going to feel jealous? Yes. Are you going to be upset? Probably. Will that be a happy day for you? No. You’ll probably even go all Alpha Male 1.0 and start a bunch of drama with her that will cause her to leave you. (Then you’ll whine and cry on my blogs like a little bitch and ask about how to get her back.)
Let’s say a few weeks later it happens again, maybe with the same woman or maybe with a new woman (because the first woman dumped you when you bitched at her about it).
Are you going to feel uncomfortable again? Yes. However, you notice that the discomfort isn’t quite as bad as the first time. Oh, it’s still bad, just not as bad.
But since you’re intelligent and rational enough to know that monogamy doesn’t work at all, you stick with it and keep going with it. And it happens a third time, then a fourth time, again, either with the same woman or some new woman you’re dating.
By the fifth time, something weird happens. As soon as you find out, you just sort of shrug. You don’t really care, and you just get back to what you were doing. Then you stop and catch yourself and realize how weird it is that you barely care right now when the first time it happened just a few weeks ago you were ready to kill someone.
Wow. What a difference. It’s like night and day.
That’s exactly how this works most of the time. Most guys quickly stop giving a shit about this stuff, particularly in less serious FB and MLTR relationships (which is what you should start with if you're new to this world). That’s what will probably happen to you as well, if you just stop being a terrified little bitch and give it a chance.
All of the above points were minor sub-points. I’ve actually been leading up to THE point, THE answer to the “But I can’t handle it if she fucks another guy” concern.
Ready?
Here it is:
5. THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE TO NON-MONOGAMY DOESN’T FUCKING WORK YOU IDIOT!
Whenever any guy says or implies that he won’t do any sort of non-monogamy because he just can’t handle his women possibly having sex with other men, the unspoken but implied second half of that statement is that he’ll just stick with monogamy and somehow he’ll make that work.
But he won’t. Because he can’t. Because monogamy doesn’t work.
As I’ve analyzed in great detail at this blog and in my books over the past ten years, with mountains of science, stats, history, and psychology, human beings, men and women both, hate sexual monogamy, particularly past a time frame of about 6-24 months.
Long-term sexual monogamy, or Disney monogamy, doesn’t work at all. You’ll either get divorced or one of you will cheat. Marriage is fine (I’m married myself), having kids is fine (have two myself), but being sexually monogamous to just one person for the rest of your life won’t fucking work and you know it.
Serial monogamy is an inconsistent lifestyle of forever ups and downs. Sometimes you’ll be happy and just as often you’ll be miserable during your frequent arguments and breakups. This kind of lifestyle might be okay for a few years in your twenties or early thirties, but going through frequent breakups and looking around for a new girlfriend every two years is not going to make you happy in your forties, fifties, or beyond. (I already addressed all the points of pro-serial monogamy people here and here.)
And don’t even try to come up with a “you can fuck other women all you want but she can’t ever fuck other men” scenario. That won’t work long-term in the Western world; Read this.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column_inner][/vc_row_inner][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner width="3/5"][vc_column_text]So, if you never want to do any sort of non-monogamy because you just can’t handle the woman perhaps having sex with another man, great. I want your specific plan for exactly what you’re going to do over the next 40 years of your life to maintain long-term happiness in your relationship life with women. If you can’t articulate this in very specific terms, then you’ve just proved my entire point. Monogamy doesn’t work in the long-term, you know it doesn’t work, but you don’t want to try any other system, so you’re going to just stick with a system you know doesn’t work.
Not smart.
Assuming you want women in your life, you’ve got two choices:
- Stick with a system that is guaranteed to not work for you in the long run (monogamy).
or
- Use the alternative (non-monogamy, there are 14 different kinds) that might, maybe make you emotionally uncomfortable for a little while until you get used to it and won’t be nearly as bad as you now fantasize.
The choice is yours.
Choose wisely.
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